Hello fellow GYE members!

I'm on my journey to 90 days, currently holding in day 17.
Yesterday I experienced something remarkable that I'd like to share with you all. I found myself feeling the familiar feeling of taavah, but it was missing it's edge. The part of the taavah that sort of says, "therefore, you have to do something," was missing a little bit. 

Usually I, and I would guess others as well, tend to relate to the taavah and the feeling of needing to do something about the taavah as one unit. But this experience showed me that I can feel the taavah, and not need to do something about it, I can just let it be. And you know, it wasn't so bad!

In fact, it felt kind of good! Throughout these last couple of weeks I have had so many moments where I've said to myself, "Ah! I feel good! I feel clean!" Like I just took a much needed shower. But there have also been times where my desire was through the roof, and believe me I didn't feel too good then. But this experience yesterday was something different, I was able to feel the cleanliness of staying free from the aveira, while simultaneously feeling the taavah.

The Chazon Ish is quoted as often having referred to the great taanug of overcoming the yetzer. Not just feeling good about yourself because you overcame the yetzer, but while the fight is raging, feeling good overcoming the yetzer. The Gemara tells us that l'asid lavo, the yetzer hara will appear to both the tzadikim and the r'shaim (albeit differently) and they will both cry. Why must the tzaddikim cry? About what will they cry?
Rav Moshe Shapira Zatzal explained that the crying of the tzaddikim means that they are reliving the experience of the yetzer hara, and this is necessary for it is only possible to experience the tremendous oneg that is in store for them in the most profound way through experiencing it's contrast with the darkness of the yetzer.
Perhaps this lends some understanding to that taanug the Chazon Ish spoke about. If when overcoming the yetzer we can simultaneously access the sense of kedusha that we are maintaining by not giving in, we can experience an extra strong kedusha literally while feeling the taava, by virtue of the contrast to the taava itself.

May we all be zoche to strive for kedusha, and to always feel the joy of kedusha while overcoming out taavos!

You write beautifully. Keep on writing and inspiring! Hatzlocha.

Hello everyone.

I'm feeling very conflicted right now. 

For the last 3 weeks I have been clean, helped by the Taphsic method. I made a shvua three times, each lasting one week. Today completes the week of the third shvua, and if I don't 'renew', as of tonight I will no longer be bound. I am currently under some pressure, I am moving, and we all know how stressful that is. I feel myself tempted to act out, and there's a part of me that's waiting for the shvua to be void so I can do so 'safely.' I really really don't want to! But there is a part of me that does.

The conflict is as follows: The last time I posted here I was full of positivity, inspiration, whatever. So I have this feeling like ' You can't show weakness, now you have to be that inspired guy. '  (Do you know what I mean?)

Now I know that this is utter nonsense. I'm here on this website first and foremost because I have a problem, and if I can't admit that, I'm shooting myself in the foot. 
Still, there is a part of me that feels like once I make myself vulnerable, I'll no longer be able to share those more positive feelings that I'm sometimes blessed to have, because that would be hypocritical.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm finding it difficult to see this forum as a safe place to express both sides of the struggle, the underdog fighting for my life side, and the victorious clean holy side. Does anyone relate to this? Or have other sorts of thoughts about it?

P.S. Thank you to HHM for the kind response. I really appreciate it. I have just been doing some reading around the forum, and I am moved by the sensitivity and support that I have seen in your responses to different peoples posts. 

B'chasdei Hashem, writing that last post helped me to straiten out my head a little, and I watched a really awful video from 'emergency turn off.' I just made another week long shvua, so the imminent danger of 'safe' acting out is not longer there.

SimchasTorah, 
Thanks for that post. I know what you mean very well. As much as we try to be honest with ourselves, it is hard to admit to having both sides of the equation, sometimes just minutes apart of each other. It's especially hard to admit to falling in to a rut after having a a nice clean streak, like I did this week.

SiTo

I just read your first post. I never thought of putting it in that way. 

I myself was just feeling strong desire, and just reading your post helped me put it into perspective, and much more manageable, so thank you.

I want to point out something regarding your second post. You said it's way too potray your good side here but not your not good side. I just want to add, as I have heard from dov, the truth is we don't even see your truly good side. I don't know your religious state, how people look up to you in real life, how your family respects you.

What I'm saying is, you caught on quickly that a forum has limitations. Hopefully it can be a stepping stone for you to open up and take to real (safe) people

Thank you for that response. It makes me feel encouraged that what I wrote actually helped someone. 

About what you said about the limitations of a forum, and it's function as a stepping-stone for real life opening up - do you mean that the main function of the forum is in fact to start opening up to others regarding those things about ourselves that we're not so proud of?

Either way, that sounds like a good idea. 

I was just reading the GYE handbook, I'm up to the part that begins discussing the 12 steps. The first step is admitting that I am powerless in the face of my lust addiction. I would love to do that. I would love to open myself up to Hashem and say, "Hashem, it's all just a farce. I'm no one, I have no power, everything I have is from you, please take me back into your arms and support me." I would love to let go of the painful prison of gaava, of self. 

On the other hand, I feel afraid. I feel afraid that admitting powerlessness is a cop-out. Something that I can use in  the future as an excuse to act out. Is this a real concern? Please veteran steppers, share your experience and wisdom.

Also, how do I know if I've admitted powerlessness? Is it enough to just say the words? (Of course not.) How do I achieve a recognition of powerlessness?

Anyway, here goes. I am powerless in the face of my addiction. When an opportunity for looking at porn arises, I am totally in danger. There's nothing that I can focus on that is sure to stop me. I am totally at the whim of my yetzer. I am not even guaranteed to try to resist. Even if I just spent hours (literally) meditating on how bad it is, how much it cuts me off from Hashem's Torah, how horrendous the punishments in the next world are sure to be, still, the moment I'm left alone with a computer that has no filter, with no one to catch me (that I can see,) it all goes out the window. 

I don't fall b'poal often. But that's just a technicality. It's because I try to make sure that I won't have the opportunity. I don't have the password to my wife's computer. On mine I have webchaver. And recently I have been doing taphsic. But fundamentally, I am always falling. It's just a technicality that I don't. 

Anyway, that was my attempt at admitting powerlessness on the forum. 

P.S. A closing feeling: The second Beis HaMikdash was destroyed because of sinas chinam. We all know it. The root of sinas chinam is a sense of being separate from each other (Maharal Netzach Yisrael.)
The root of sensing ourselves as separate from each other is sensing ourselves as a self-contained, self-sufficient existence. In other words, gaavah. The more I (and you) can admit my faults, especially when I can admit them to you, the more I can recognize that I am not a self-sufficient entity. And the more I can learn to love my brothers. And the closer we will be to bringing about the rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash, BV'A.

Great post once again. I cannot tell you whether you are a powerless addict or if you just have a really bad habit. That's something you should probably discuss with someone, not over the forum

Regarding if the forum is to start opening up to other SAFE people. Yes I believe it is a major benefit of the forum. Please see my thread in my signature and you will see my journey in that area.

The forum has other benefits too. Like good jokes

Anyway I suggest you listen to Dovs talks particularly his ones about honesty, although truth be told almost all of his are about honesty.

Thank you Hakolhevel, I listened to some of Dov's talks, and read some of his responses. They are great. 

very informative and interesting story and post! good luck!