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Towards 90! Just watch me!
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: Towards 90! Just watch me! 3950 Views

Re: Towards 90! Just watch me! 16 Feb 2019 23:13 #339002

  • gavif
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DAY 90 (at least in accordance to my count) !!!! 

So when I wake up tomorrow, BH it will be day 90! I have not updated my count as I am uncertain whether in accordance to the rules of the chart that my count qualifies. About 40 days ago, I started stumbling with very mild content (nothing near explicit), but thank God, with the help of a few people I messaged to help me and of course Hashem, I did manage to pull away before anything major was view, or any acting out ocurred (though I think according to the strict rules of the chart, this would be considered too long a period of viewing). Either way, this mini stumble was a tremendous feat of the power of my free choice over the moment, and definately was an overall victory over my Yetzer hara - in my eyes, quite the opposite of a shameful experience, but rather one which proved to me that no matter what, even if in the moment it seems that all hope is lost, our God given power of free will is always present, ever ready to turn any potential sin, into a heroic victory. Thank God, I did continue forward, coupled with the momentum of the many successful days prior to this incident, and thank God, it is now 90 days. I actually have a few counters and thus after this incident, I reset my 'light content' counter, which is now on 41 days, but my 'mast****' is at virtually 90 days, and my 'p***' counter thank god, is at 319 days. 
I do recommend this approach, that being to have seperate counters so that even if r''l one stumbles in the one area, one need not lose hope and act out fully, in all areas. I don't see this struggle as an all or nothing - as something that is only worth it provided we stay perfectly clean in all aspects - I see each area of our free choice exercised as immensely valuable, and worthy of its own recognition.
In fact, each streak, no matter how long, be at even a few moments, is something to be cherished - each moment of free choice exercised, is not lost, but set aside as an invaluable treasure. Each moment where we pick ourselves up and start again, is not in fact starting again, but continuing the journey from where we left off - provided we try tune in to the subtle life lessons and opportunities Hashem presents before us in these moments, for even deeper understanding of ourselves and thus the world in which we live. Life is not an all or nothing, but a constant journey of ups and downs. It is not this count of 90 days that I am proud about, but the hundreds of counts before this accompanied but the hundreds of times where I decided that yes, I will invest again, that yes, I will persevere. I view the 90 days as merely the cherry on top of the cake, the cake is the mighty tumultuous war that I have fought over the past nine years. And, in no ways is the war over, but quite the contrary, I have been, yet again, promoted to a higher position, one which will require ever greater awareness and strategizing. This promotion, however, I am aware of, where as in the past, it was not always easy to see my regular and progressive promotions.

I realise a potential flaw in simply counting to 90 days - that being that one can become comfortable and falsely believe that the biggest part of the struggle is over and that now he can tone down his efforts a little. In my understanding, this is completely incorrect. No gaurantees are present for our future, especially in areas of such paramount challenge. The yetzer hara develops in accordance to the individual's development - there is ALWAYS a more advanced, deeper level to achieve in each of the areas of self-development. One need not look further than Tanach and the gemora to see the extent of struggle that was present among the greatest of our leaders (see the GYE program for examples of this). I do not plan to loosen my efforts. Much of my accomplishment has been from the grace of Hashem, and without Him, I for sure would not have achieved the milestone. In my understanding, the moment that we become haughty to believe that we are the sole reason for our success and that we now are in complete control, is when our strength greatly wanes. This pursuit is to be accompanied with humility - humility for our humanity and fragility. Humility towards a higher power. 

Certainly, now, I do not have the time to post fully about all that I have learnt along the way, and my plan for the future in terms of the battle that lies waiting  - seeing it is super late at night, and that I have a super busy week ahead. But certainly I hope to post soon, BH, the more intricate details. 

Thank you to everyone who has helped me and continues to help me. 

Blessings to all.  
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