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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Momo's journal 10855 Views

Re: Momo's journal 08 Mar 2009 10:01 #3610

  • the.guard
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You can find transparent-non-see-through laminating paper in any store that specializes in school materials, like note-books, paper, posters, writing utensils, etc.. I'm sure there's one in your neighborhood. Without the laminating paper, you will be able to see too much and I doubt it will help much.


I really felt that my dovening and learning were much better than in the past, thanks for being clean for 2-3 weeks.


I'm always amazed to see how true the words of Chaza"l are that call this area "Yesod". When the foundation is strong, everything else can be strong.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by gibbor120.

Poetry! 09 Mar 2009 09:18 #3648

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Hi,
GUE, not only have you inspired me to stay clean for 3 weeks, you've also inspired me to write poetry.
I was thinking of this idea yesterday and it helped keep me going during a challenging time I had. I expanded on the idea and wrote it down today. I bring it here not to "show off", but perhaps to inspire everyone out there. Perhaps if someone is feeling weak, you can remember some of this poem and it might strengthen you as it did me.
It's called "I will not disappoint". Here goes:

I will not disappoint
I will not disappoint my soul by listening to the Yetser HaRa instead of her.
I will not disappoint my ancestors who risked their lives to remain pure and true.
I will not disappoint my GUE friends who believe in me, pray for me, and cry for me every day.
I will not disappoint Mashiach who is waiting for me to do Teshuva in order for him to reveal himself.
I will not disappoint my wife who prayed many prayers, and shed many tears begging HaShem to help me untangle myself from my depression, and reestablish a beautiful relationship with her, and only her.
I will not disappoint HaShem who has been patiently waiting for years for me to remove myself from the world of Tuma, return to Him, and affix myself to the world of Kedusha. 
And most important of all, I will not disappoint myself.
I will not disappoint, and therefore, I must not fall.
And Heaven forbid if I fall, I must pick myself up and continue onward.
Last Edit: by bsdtov.

Re: Momo's journal 09 Mar 2009 13:33 #3654

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Beautiful! I think this would make a good Chizuk e-mail one day!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Day 24 (Day 18 of the stricter count) 11 Mar 2009 06:32 #3676

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Hi everyone.
Yesterday I finished my 23rd clean day (17th day of the machmir count).

Today I'm feeling very empty and alone. I guess it's a let down from Purim. I miss being with my family. It's much more boring at work. I know, Baruch HaShem I still have work so that I can bring some income for my family. Being employed in today's market is a ness. But, still feeling empty and alone.
Last Edit: 11 Mar 2009 10:25 by .

Re: Momo's journal 11 Mar 2009 11:43 #3679

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Today's Chizuk e-mail might help!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Day 16 (day 22 of the original count) 12 Mar 2009 00:21 #3696

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Momo wrote on 09 Mar 2009 08:30:

I don't know if anyone besides GUE is following my progress in my blog, but since I won't be posting tomorrow (Purim), I didn't want to go for 2 days without posting.

(I am curious to know who checks up my blog each day and who is rallying behind me...)

Anyway, even though yesterday had it's challenge, thank G-d I finished the day OK, and so far completed 15 days (21 days of the original count). Baruch HaShem, blee ayin hara, still going!

A word of warning to everyone, if getting drunk, always be conscious not to stare at the women attending the Purim seuda, or speak nivul peh (inappropriate language). We must attain a level of holiness while drunk, not the opposite. We must keep focused on our goal.

I wish everyone a happy Purim!




I read every new post on this entire forum. I'm sure there are others who do this as well. We are all cheering you on, even though you can't see us or hear us.
Last Edit: by .

Sorry everone... 12 Mar 2009 12:27 #3710

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I am sorry to disappoint everyone who's been following my blog (especially Guard, Elya, and Anonymous), and I'm sorry to disappoint my Neshama,  but I fell today. What happened was the urge was soooo great, and the Y'H told me that after having been soooo good for 24 days, I deserve a break. 

Anyway, I'm proud of the 24 clean days I had (forget about the strict count I've been keeping). I don't remember ever having gone so long. I don't think I've ever beat 2 weeks, besides the 10 months I was clean when I was cloistered in Yeshiva in Israel, but that doesn't count since I wasn't in the real world and wasn't challenged by the Y"H.

So Reb Guard, please when you get a chance, update my chart entry as a count of zero clean days, with a previous count of 24 clean days.

I hope to pick myself up and start over right away. I'll post once I've had a few clean days.

I think the key now is to feel remorse but not guilt. Guilt holds us back and knocks us down. Remorse is the path to Teshuva. How is this done? How does this sound: I will not feel guilty because I am human and have an addiction. However, I will feel remorse since my action interrupted my journey to living a pure lifestyle.

I sincerely pray that my falling doesn't demoralize anyone out there or cause anyone else to fall. That thought really scares me. All I can say is this: For people starting their count, first hit at least 24 days before even considering falling. For people who are beyond 24 days, first beat your past clean record, then speak with me.
Last Edit: 12 Mar 2009 12:44 by .

Re: Momo's journal 12 Mar 2009 13:32 #3711

  • Mevakesh Hashem
wow!
What a holy Neshama!

what does he do when he falls?

He doesnt slump into depression and say "screw it!"

He doesnt blame anyone else!

He doesnt run away from Hashem!

He doesnt hide from his friends on the forum!

No! He feels bad!

No! He takes responsibility!

No! He cries out to his father in heaven!

No! He begs his friends on the forum for help and advice!

What a holy soul.

Momo, falling is human. Getting back up again is where you distinguish yourself as a real Eved Hashem!

Get up Momo, we all love you and support you in your struggle.

We are not here to judge you. We are here to help you!

Cant wait to see you back up on the chart!

Chazak V'Ematz!
Last Edit: by .

Re: Sorry guys... 12 Mar 2009 13:41 #3713

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Thank you Mevakesh for your beautiful words.

In the past, after having made an effort and lasted 1.5 to 2 weeks at most, I would fall into despair and give up trying for months and months.
This time is different. First of all, I made a much greater and more real effort and lasted 3.5 weeks. Second, and most important, I am determined to pick myself right back up.

I am wondering how do you balance between guilt (which is bad) and remorse (which is good)? How do we accept ourselves without condoning the behavior? 
Last Edit: 12 Mar 2009 13:42 by .

Re: Momo's journal 12 Mar 2009 13:45 #3715

  • Mevakesh Hashem
Yes, determination is key!

You can contact me privately, and we can try to work on a better plan for you.

I dont think guilt is bad. If you mess up, feel guilty! It will help you moving forward!

However, the key is not to let the guilt derail you.

Chazak V'Ematz!
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Re: Momo's journal 12 Mar 2009 15:26 #3718

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as far as being 'cloistered' in yeshiva, i did it in yeshiva in israel, too, right after bekius shiur....there is only one thing to say - either we let the yetzer hara (addiction) control us, or we seek treatment so we can learn techniques on how to defeat it!
Last Edit: by .

Re: Momo's journal 12 Mar 2009 21:14 #3734

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Wow Momo. That was a GREAT clean streak! 24 days! Imagine how many thousands of times you said "no" to your Yetzer Hara in the past 24 days before he won you just this once. You are beating him by FAR, and you deffinately have the upper hand. Make sure to be HAPPY about this.

I have no doubt you will learn from this fall and figure our what caused it, if there are any new "breaches" in the fence, so to speak, that you can close up for the future.

It is brought down in the sefer, menucha v'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhin, that a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a zaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight.  We like to think of success in terms of results.  But we know Hashem looks at our efforts. 

Your getting up again will inspire others. Also, people will learn from your honesty and the power of accountability.

We are honored to have you on our forum, fighting along side us all to give Hashem pleasure.

Did you see that you were mentioned twice in the Chizuk e-mail right after Purim?
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Momo's journal 12 Mar 2009 22:33 #3741

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Momo wrote on 12 Mar 2009 12:27:

I sincerely pray that my falling doesn't demoralize anyone out there or cause anyone else to fall. That thought really scares me. All I can say is this: For people starting their count, first hit at least 24 days before even considering falling. For people who are beyond 24 days, first beat your past clean record, then speak with me.

Demoralizing??? are you kidding?  Chas V'Shalom.  You are SO inspiring to all of us here.  To see someone bounce back up immediately with fervor is unbelievable chizzuk.  If anyone here ever has a thought, Chas V'Shalom, of enetering into the bad zones of life again, he will quickly remind himself that Momo did it and he did not like it. It is not worth it.  Momo jumped back up.  Momo regretted and felt remorse(not guilt  ) for falling.  If that is how Momo felt, it is not worth it. You stand as a reminder how bad it really it is.  Our brains make us forget how bad it really it is.  But you reminded all of us here:  DON"T EVEN THINK OF IT!!!! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO MOMO!!!  Momo, in your great zechus, many souls can be saved from falling again.

Momo, I have no doubt that you will gain new insight from this fall and rev up new strength to fight the menuval again.  You will come in with new tactics and you will eventually endure.  Your perseverance and  determination will stand with you at all times, as you daven to Hashem to help you through.  You will stand victorious one day as you transform all the tumah in your past life into kedusha that will accompany you in your new life.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Momo's journal 14 Mar 2009 19:38 #3758

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On March 10, reply #43 on this thread, you wrote that you are feeling empty and alone, and it's probably a let down from Purim. I responded there (reply #44)  that TODAY'S Chizuk e-mail might help.

That very day, I sent chizuk e-mail #427 (which can be seen on this page - scroll down) which mentioned you twice, once; that you are feeling a let down after Purim, and then I also brought your poem!!

I was hoping it would give you strength. A shame you didn't see it, because you fell soon after.

But we have to believe that what happened in the past was meant to be, to learn from and grow from. Only the present is in our hands. U'bacharta Ba'chayim!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Momo's journal 14 Mar 2009 19:41 #3759

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I updated your chart. Tonight is 2 clean days. I ussually wait until 3 days for the chart, but since you got up so fast again and are so determined, I am trusting you'll make it to 3
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by .
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