Rabbi Yechiel Spero wrote the following, which I think is awesome:
I saw in a beautiful Sefer, Emunah Bacharti, a beautiful thought. There are three terms
that we need to think about to help us build our own self-esteem.
The first, "K'acheirim". We always want to be like someone else. We are never satisfied
with who we are. A person needs to look at their own strengths and own weaknesses
and realize who you are and what you are capable of being. If you are constantly looking to be like someone else, then you can never be satisfied with who you are.

The second, "L'acheirim". Often we decide to live our lives for others.
We live our lives to see what others will say. We don't even live our own lives, we are so busy
living lives for someone else; to please someone else while we end up being quite
unhappy and dissatisfied.

The last word, "M'acheirim", from others. We sometimes lack the self-confidence
to make decisions on our own. Instead of doing what we want to do it,
we only end up doing what someone else tells us what to do.

These three terms, will help us be true to ourselves. A person should not belie his own truth.
We need to know: who I am, what my kochos are, and not to constantly question
if I am a good and capable person.

If you look at the roshei teivos of these three words, it helps us understand it a little bit better.
The acronym for the three words, spells the word "Kloom". You will end up being nothing
if you are constantly trying to please others, be like others, to only take advice from others.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave us kochos. Don't second guess yourself. Don't beat yourself up.
If we can build our own self-confidence, we can become truly great people.

Have a great day!

Singularity wrote on 27 Feb 2017 09:46:

(That was a beautiful vort from Rabbi Spero, YTH! Thank you!)

YosefTikunYesod didn't answer the question, and neither was that Rosh Yeshiva, who was answering a different question and was not asked for the actual process a person can go through that will help him know this. Siyata diShmaya is certainly needed with all our endeavors, and every oveid Hashem knows that. The challenge here is always the same, and is brought out beautifully by a fuller consideration of Rabbi Spero's words.

Many of us have been subject to beguilement by charismatic leaders, or tried to fit ourselves to a peer group. The Novi Yeshaya laments people performing mitzvos because of shame, peer pressure, or to impress. Yet these are challenges we all struggle with and are all working on. However, the other side of this coin is recognizing and admitting our moral frailty, the way Rav Dessler does:

Rav Dessler explains that a person suffers the greatest shochad (bribery) of all by his own ego and fears. I see Rabbi Spero's comments referring to that, as well. And this leads me farther from self-reliance, not closer to it. For this reason the gemara recounts the beautifu story of Rabbi Yochanan who lost his chavrusa, Reish Lakish and then got a new chavrusa to learn with. But the new chavrusas only said things that supported his views and made him feel comfortable. Rav Yochanan then responded in exacerbation, "How I miss Reish Lakish who would always show me the other point of view (40 or 60 versions of it, actually)! What do I need you yes-men for?"

Now that was a man who was free to really learn new things and grow! 

One of my good friends told me that the most important quality his 12-step sponsor has is that "He is not me."  This was wise. Our objectivity is skewed, as Rav Dessler discusses at length in Michtav m'Eliyhau. So thank G-d I have friends who are not yes-men. Along these lines the Ba'al Shem Tov taught his chasidim to realize that things they hear from others are to be understood as messages from G-d, for good or ill, and to be taken to heart. The way to do that without becoming nuts is a skill, but definitely possible for most people to do.   

Even Bill W, a Christian who espoused AA - a secular spiritual program that by definition has no Torah and needs no Torah because it's not about religion - strongly discouraged AAs who pray and sincerely report they 'feel G-d answered me' from confidently trusting their intuition. Though in the end we must all decide for ourselves, as Rav Spero so beautifully put it, objectivity and clarity is not achieved in private. The Netzi"v writes that this issue was why the Rashb"a achieved more consistency in his writings than the RMB"M did.  

Telling us "We are always going to be the best judge of what is best for ourselves," is an oft-used recipe for disaster that AA writings refer to and that our Rabbis were aware of long ago. 

I am glad that that we are able to share ideas that work for us with others, even on this special thread...chaveirim

Dov, I am always amazed how you analyze a subject and explain your position on it intelligently and where disagreeing, it is done softly; almost apologetically. Your disection of the above issue is extraordinary.

I went swimming again, which was great...
and even used that guy's private mikveh again too.

While I was in the pool, my goggles kept leaking water in the left eye, 
which was really quite annoying. I kept playing with it and adjusting it,
and even changed it for my son's for a while. Later, I'll have to buy better ones,
maybe that cover my whole face including nose, for the next time I go swimming, but whatever.

My main point is that I "caught myself" ripped off and threw the goggles, and just had fun in the pool
without the stupid goggles. HaShem gave me an amazing opportunity to swim and enjoy myself
and recharge...and I almost let a stupid, little thing bother me to the point of not fully enjoying the
experience. Boruch HaShem, I caught myself, removed the bothersome goggles,
and went on to have a fantastic time! And I'm writing about it here, because it is a big lesson for life.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 28 Feb 2017 11:33:

Very strong of you.

Most of us are waltzing through life with the wrong pair of goggles ;-)

Thanks.
That's true.

I was very upset recently that I negotiated a bad deal for something. Instead of meeting in the middle
between my offer and the seller's rebuttal, I ended up SOMEHOW getting confused
and offered only 50 less than his rebuttal. So, he immediately agreed,
and bing, bang, boom, it was all over, before I realized that I paid 150 more than I really should have.

What was I thinking? Why didn't I negotiate better and offer to split the 300 difference,
and end up paying 150 less? My wife said: "drop it, it's done, let's continue having fun; it's not a big deal."
She really didn't want me to talk about it anymore or harp on it and ruin the rest of our evening out.
So, with super-human strength, I stopped on a dime and didn't talk about it anymore. Unbelievable!

I didn't even want to bring it up here right away, for fear that it would keep me "holding onto it"
when it's healthier to "let it go."  Well, guess what happened? Literally ONE day later,
the Rav of the night kollel says to everyone (about 15 of us) that some rich guy really values our learning, and just told him that he wants to give 300 to everyone here! That's never happened before.
HaShem was showing me, as if to say: "Hello. I'm HaShem. I take care of parnasa.
You just keep learning and growing and working on yourself.
Don't be upset about the 150 you think you overpaid. Here's double that...which is exactly the amount of 
your original offer to the guy the other night. I love you! And am watching over & taking care of you."

Amazing, huh?!

---------------------
p.s. now that I am rethinking it, I will actually end up paying 50 less than my original offer,
since the seller agreed to knock off 50 from the price. I guess that takes care of dinner too!

Thanks for the amazing share Yosef!!

Beautiful, and very inspiring!

B'Hatzlacha!

pretty impressive.  nice to see the Yad Hashem so clearly.

It sure is!
I wish I saw it every day!
He is always there. It's just that sometimes He makes it more clear,
to anyone who can "see".

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 01 Mar 2017 14:54:

Yoh. That's epic stuff.

18 days = chai bahem.
Slowly but surely I am getting there...
and I'm starting to even enjoy the process.
Have a good Shabbos.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 03 Mar 2017 12:28:

Enjoy it. Enjoy every win. Enjoy a beautiful שבת!

Celebrate a "lively" Shabbos!

Warning - Crazy story ahead:
So my wife has not been available/muteres for a LONG time. 
This Shabbos she is. Friday night is going to be amazing!
Then, later that night, she tells me she's very tired and would prefer tomorrow.
We'll send the kids out to play with friends and it will be much better.
Fine. The next day, I'm in a great mood. I slept around 10 hours! I make a big coffee and get ready to daven. I'm the 3rd to arrive in the minyan. I have a great davening. We start to have a great seuda.
And then BOOM - during the meal she "starts" being passive/aggressive with me, 
which she knows drives me nuts. She starts acting not normal and refuses to have a normal conversation. 
After arranging all the kids to be out of the house, so we can finally be together,
she gets up to leave herself! And walks out! I'm sooooo upset that I open the door and call out:
You're a  moredes! (not a good move, I know) Unbelievable!
She picked a fight with me, and escalated it, and used it as an excuse to leave
and avoid being with me! WOW.

I now have the WHOLE house to myself, for several hours, VERY frustrated, 
emotionally and sexually...

And now HaShem (and l'havdil, the malach called the yetzer hara) both sit back
to see what I am going to do...
How will I react to this VERY difficult situation I was just put in?

First, I think: well, that's it, I'm going to masturbate big time! What choice do I have? It's her fault!
I didn't want to do this. I wanted to have normal relations with my wife! 

Then, I take a step back and think: wait a minute. Think it out. I'm being TESTED. 
This is so obviously a setup! 
I have an opportunity now to show HaShem that I love Him and restrain my tyvahs.
I don't have to give in to them! Masturbating is actually the worst thing I can do now.
I can choose a WAY better reaction than that. I will give her the space she needs,
and not even follow after her to the few likely places she went to. Instead, you know what?
I'll take a nice nap. That's right, even after sleeping almost 10 hours the night before.
I proceed to take a several hour nap!

I wake up rested and feeling better, and my son, who just came home, asks
if I would like to have shalosh seudas at a friend's house. Mommy is already there.
He was put in charge of gathering everybody up...and giving me the message that
she is sorry things got out of hand, and is willing to accept an apology AFTER Shabbos is over.
If I can meet those guidelines, then we can all have a great shalosh seudas together.
Unbelievable! O.k. this is fine with me. 
I'm married long enough to know that's about the best apology from her that I'm going to get!
So, I take it. (Rav Simcha Feurman says in his chosson shiur 14, I think (which I recently heard),
that we have to be smart and accept any overtures toward shalom from our spouse, however, and whenever they happen).

I passed the test, Boruch HaShem!
We had a good time at our friends' house. She was warm to me the whole time.
After Shabbos, I apologized to her unconditionally...I'm not stupid!
And then, after everyone went to sleep, we had the best sex in probably 3 years...
and snuggled afterward for about a half hour.