I learned pretty quickly that I screw my life up. But I still have a hard time giving my life over to hashem

Picking myself up once again.
I have a good understanding of how I fell, and have taken steps to succeed in the future,
with what I'm calling the Holy Incentive Plan. Everybody has to find what will work for them,
individually. And I know that this will work for me.
--------
Big siyum in our house over an entire Seder of Mishnayos, representing about a year of hard work,
Death of an acquaintance who davened in my minyan, under 60 years old.
Fell hard, twice...after resisting for several days, and several hours shas nisayon.
All 3 things happened within a 48-hour period!
------------
Thought of starting another thread, with today being day 1.
But, I don't know, maybe it belongs all here,
as this is all part of my journey to break free.
Yeah, I called it "going for 90 days (Feb. 20)"...and stumbled a few times.
Maybe I can get rid of the "(Feb. 20)" in the title.

Sorry to hear. May you be matzliach in the future!

shas nisayon?

By "shas nisayon" I mean the following:
I tried to set up the incentive system before falling, which may have really helped, but couldn't.
A few days later, I had a strong urge, almost resignation, almost acceptance that it is going to happen now.
But then, instead of just giving in, watching explicitly usser things (porn) and masturbating and wasting seed, I instead wrote 2 different support buddies, and distracted myself for several hours. This is a willpower win...says R. Shafier, even though I eventually fell hard. I didn't fall right away. I lasted quite a few rounds, and took some pretty good punches. Wife being usser "forever", guy in my minyan dying, etc.
I checked back repeatedly, hoping to be talked off the ledge. Neither wrote back or helped.
I could have posted here. In retrospect, that would have been smarter. I also could have emailed a few more people too. But I didn't think about it, and it is kind of embarrassing to be so vulnerable and say that I'm about to fall. Not blaming anyone, just explaining.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 14 Feb 2017 14:37:

Just wondering if you're part of a GYE mini group?

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 14 Feb 2017 13:58:

Please don't start another thread. You're going to succeed at reaching your goal. That's why you're here. When you do succeed and people see that you had to fight, that it didn't come easy, they won't be able to make the excuse "he was different, by me it's just too difficult".

 To update the title, edit the title in the first post on this thread.

I'm wondering the SAME thing!

I just emailed a couple of the guys.

There used to be about 6 or 7 of us who would regularly comment on Group 196.
Then, there were 5 or 6 of us.
Now, it seems that nobody is posting there. Perhaps it will totally fall apart.
I would like to at least continue to email a few of the guys. If you want to email me, send me a private message with your email address.
Alternatively, you can just post on 196.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 14 Feb 2017 14:49:

We just started group 201. Let's see if it takes off, if not, I may convert to a 196er...

Did you do anything this time that was different?
Did it feel different in any way?
You say you fell twice.. in a row?
How did it feel like watching and then playing... Did it feel any different?
Did you trick your computer into working late night?
What can you do differently next time...

bb0212 wrote on 14 Feb 2017 14:48:

POWERFUL words! Thank you!!

More importantly...
You need to analyze where it started...
What happened a few days ago...
So you were getting all horny... wife was ossur... you need to analyze what you went through over those few days that brought you to fall.
Were you more lax with your eyes? with your fantasies? Outwardly you were on a real high (over here) - was that the case inside? Remember that its the emotion behind the action that we need to focus on and nurture and repair.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 14 Feb 2017 14:55:

You're welcome. I saw a similar post somewhere in this forum, not sure where  from who. I'd love to give credit where it's due

That's a lot of questions:
1. Did you do anything this time that was different? (not sure what you mean, but I did meet someone)
2. Did it feel different in any way? (same answer, but I don't think so)
3. You say you fell twice.. in a row? (Once late at night, and again when I woke up late)
4. How did it feel like watching and then playing... Did it feel any different? (not sure what you mean)
5. Did you trick your computer into working late night? (turned it on until 3am...no trick, just stupid)
6. What can you do differently next time...(incentive system, better support, reach out to more people)
7. What happened a few days ago? (couldn't get the incentive in place, wife said she is still usser and can't go to the mikveh, big stress pulling off this siyum, organizing all the food, all the people to confirm they could come, and most importantly, doing all the learning to make sure there actually WAS a siyum, guy in my minyan dying, standing a few feet from the body for a solid hour during the hespedim, carrying the mitah, morey heter getting in my head saying that I should just give in now before the incentive starts, almost nobody writing on the thread, difficulty starting Kodshim, house leaking, etc.)
8. Can you analyze what you went through over those few days that brought you to fall? (just did)
9. Were you more lax with your eyes? with your fantasies? (no)
10. Outwardly you were on a real high (over here) - was that the case inside? (I've been completely honest with my feelings and quite open about everything)
If you clarify some of these, I'll be happy to answer them.
Thanks for caring!

Going "cold turkey" on all the streaming videos again. This time with some real support
from someone who did it...and says it's a crucial component to long-term success.
So this is really day 1 for "the whole package". Watching hours of streaming videos,
which I could never justify to a Rav, where there are inappropriate scenes and
inappropriate women's attire, is, after all, a little incongruent with calling/counting that a "clean day".
The problem is that I have unfortunately developed such a strong bad habit, that I haven't gone more than a week without watching anything in a very long time. Success will probably be quite difficult. I need to break that unhealthy attachment to them.

My first two questions were regarding the fact you have been 'active' on the forum for the past few months...
3rd question...the second 'fall' sounds interesting.
4th question... What did you feel while you were doing it.
5th question... Based on my personal experience with these things the moment you changed the clock settings on your computer was the moment you really fell. The rest was just on autopilot.
6th question.. What if you decide to masturbate and eat your chocolate bar afterwards? What if there is no one around you to support you again when you need it? What if more people just make you more annoyed?
7th question....What will happen when you finish Kodshim?
I don't know why but I used to always act out within a few hours of a funeral or really bad news...Actually i'm beginning to understand now a bit more about that.
8th question...What if the morey heter never go away? (they sound interesting by the way)
9th...... So the streaming videos and seeing light sex on the screen with flesh and beautiful women is not part of it you think?
10th question....To who?

One new question:



What will happen if hes not able to give you the support when you actually need it.