During this time of character refinement (shmiras ainayim) I have put into practice many new habits. They have helped me drastically, looking down in public places and the journal being the most significant ones. I have never succeeded this far before and I feel so encouraged that with Hashem's assistance, this will be no different than other ploys of the yetzer hara. Blessed are you Hashem, Who strengthens the weak!!!

I pray all are continuing on in this great challenge. May the Almighty cleanse you with hyssop and create a clean heart in you all. Amein

I have very seldom had much of a desire to look at porn, unless of course I speak about it (though brief as it is). But the difficult part is going into public places. It feels like I would be better off just closing my eyes as soon as I leave my house. But I think what makes it so difficult is not wanting to miss anything. That curiosity to just take a peek. That then is what I see to be my battle, to set my focus and stay the course. May Hashem, blessed by He, empower me to do so.

I decided the other day to take on the partner program. I felt it would be good for me (and hopefully the other). But, it seems that my not being Jewish may be a hindrance. Be that as it may, Hashem, blessed be He, has and is doing the very thing I desire more than any, creating a clean heart in me, and renewing my mind. During this time I have taken on many new and wonderful habits. May Hashem, blessed be He, let me see just the smallest glimpse of Himself that His beauty alone stills my desire.

Bless Hashem!! 50 days!! He is so very faithful and shows such mercy that my mind is in awe. I suppose it was for such a time as this that He brought me to this place of emptying myself before Him. I feel such a freedom in my soul and a joy in my spirit that I cannot but declare His glory and Majesty. Blessed is Hashem, the Most High and Eternal One. Exalt His name all you His people for He is your deliverer. Lift up your voice and call out to Him and He will rescue you. Lift up your eyes to heaven and cry out to your God, for he is a powerful redeemer. Holy is He. AMEN!!!!!!!

It's been a while since I've posted anything, but, I have been keeping up with "On the Way to 90-Days" to help give me a little more encouragement to see in a tangible way how far I have come. Bless Hashem, it has been 76 days! And oddly it feels like its only been a few.

This group has been a great encourager for me and I thank Hashem for leading me here. I pray that He strengthen everyone to be victorious over this vicious passion that has been our slave master. Keep your windows shut that Hashem may open the windows of the Shamayim and pour out His spiritual blessings, and His shekinah in our homes, and fill it with Shalom Bayis.

A member blessed me a wonderful book, "The Garden of Purity". The insights and challenges the author presents are wonderful things to meditate on throughout the day (as well as Torah). I would recommend it highly to those who sincerely, which I am confident all here are, desire personal holiness. 

A thought to consider: If one becomes  infested with pests, only a fool would allow them, and their filth and disease, to abide with them. The exterminator must come and "clear them out" in order to be healthy. 

It seems that the one who is a slave to his sexual lust, and who is addicted to porn and other sexually immoral acts, is really struggling with what they do when not performing these acts. When we do not close our eyes to the curiosity of how sexy and hot the girls around us are, those acts are inevitable. It all begins with guarding our eyes. Ultimately, the focus isn't to stop looking at porn, it is to stop looking at what triggers our desire for porn.

Lust is a powerful passion the yetzer hara uses, yet if we will train ourselves to shut our eyes to the forbidden when out of our home, I am confident our struggle in secret will, with Hashem's help, become less and less of a weapon for our evil inclination.

Just speaking out loud to myself.  

Baruch Hashem!!! 90 days!! 

I was amazed to see how easy avoiding porn was with the filter and my wife being in control of it. But guarding my eyes has been the challenge. I know this will be a lifelong fight unless, Hashem willing, I have no more desire to look on any women other than my wife. May He perfect our souls in this world.

In reading the book "Garden of Purity for Men" he makes a huge deal about personal prayer, that is, prayer beside the regular daily prayer, and spending at least 30 minutes of it on this one issue, lust. And not just lust for other women, but women including one's wife. He says that when we lust for our wife we are not loving her or seeking her welfare, but rather our own. Lust, in general, is what he encourages the reader to address in prayer. That Hashem would remove it from him completely, and that he would be filled with love for his wife and not lust.
I can attest to the validity of a great deal of the author's insight from what has happened in my life since I have truly decided to fight, with pleading for Hashem's help in prayer, the evil inclination. I recommend everyone read this book. Clearly, this battle is not a simple and pleasant one, but as someone has told me, "you haven't resisted sin to the point of shedding blood have you."
I think, from my past experience, we, more times than not, do not take extreme measures concerning this sin. How serious are we about our personal holiness? What tools that Hashem has provided are we neglecting? I have spoken to some who say they don't have time to spend 30+ minutes in prayer. Really? Priorities must be considered. We put filters on, create, and keep the password ourselves. Is that really the wisest way to handle that? Surely, most on this site have someone they trust? Rabbi, friend, family, etc. Why not let them set the password and keep it? If we aren't able to get on a site, maybe it's Hashem's will? As I said, how serious is this to you. Are we willing to take extreme measures to guard our eyes and our personal holiness?
May Hashem assist us to do whatever it takes to triumph over this yetzer hara.

Been a while since I posted. I have been keeping a personal accounting of my days, though.

To think that I would have made it this far (138 days) was unfathomable to me in the past. But, for whatever reason, Hashem's will permitted me to and empowered me to, finally truly deal with my yetzer hara of lust. 

My biggest struggle has not been to stop watching porn- of which I thought was the issue- but rather guarding my holiness outside of my home and in other arenas. That I found to be the trigger that started the fire within me. I never really understood before writing about my day's actions and thoughts, that looking at other forbidden women  is what lit the fire of lust within me. I never realized that lust is the problem. And to allow myself to lust for even my wife leads to things that bring great shame. Though I am still progressing on this journey of emuna and transformation, I find that if we do not strive to increase good traits along with suppressing the bad, we will forever remain beginning again. And the very thing that must increase is love for Hashem and humanity. For without it, my mitzvos are not true mitzvos. The greatest of all according to Torah is "you shall love Hashem your God with all of...." And if we do so and strive to increase in this heavenly state through prayer and Torah study, there will be no place for the yetzer hara to raise up.

O may Hashem grant us to merit such a state.

Amazing! You are a true Ben Noach!

Though I can admit that I am not enslaved to porn, after going over 160 days without partaking in its poison, I began to lapse in guarding my eyes, which lead to allowing things I know I should avoid, and ultimately to viewing porn again. Though it has happened only about 9-10 time within the past 2 1/2 - 3 months, that is 9 or 10 too many, with even 1 time being too many.

It is amazing how quickly things happen when we let our guard down and don't cling to our Creator and fear of heaven. But, thank Hashem that He is patient and merciful. May He grant me to ever keep Him before me.

Carnal pleasures are such a powerful weapon of the yetzer hara. To take things that are natural and turn and pervert them into unnatural acts is an amazing feat. And to think that we know it will harm us rather than do us good, and we still do it, is an even greater feat.

The hardest thing I am experiencing in my life, with all of the distractions in the "civilized" world, is to keep Hashem before me. To surrender my heart/mind completely to him at all times is a great battle. But, I have seen it is possible, though in short spurts. I know I must look to my help and not my foe. I must focus on the One who can deliver in my weakness and lift me out of the pits unholiness and pollution. Purge me from all uncleanness that I might dwell in Your courts. You are my help and my defense. My hope in the valley of despair. Let Your name be sanctified in and through me O' Great King. Blessed be Your Name.

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have once again fallen into the trap of opening the door to allow porn in again. It's sad that once there is but a crack it busts the door down and enters in as a robber to take possession of the home. You come to found out that he has given you a drug you have now become addicted too. It wasn't my desire to let him in, I only cracked the door. Yet, here he is, enslaving me with his poison. Though he may try to prevent it, freedom is but a call away. There is one who will send deliverance and cleanse your dwelling of all of the filth that this enemy has brought into your home. 
Though I call out, it feels as if it is in vain. He is not coming. I fall once again to satisfy myself with his drug. Then I am told to be patient, He will arrive, wait and guard yourself with the words of life. You will be free, do not be discouraged. 
Blessed be Hashem! Though I have allowed this deceiver to dwell in my home, I know my redeemer will free me from his slavery.

I can't believe how easy it is to give in and how hard it is to resist once you taste of the addiction but one time even after over half a year. I know my problem and the source that stirs up this lust is looking at women. Still, I find it so difficult to not do this. Not only is porn an addiction, looking at women is a habit that is just as difficult if not more so. I have put off being involved in the group for a long time. That was extremely foolish. God forbid I do such a thing again. The journey continues.