Hardest night this streak by far. I was:
1) feeling the effects of being in a place of pritzus for extended periods
2) feeling the effects of not learning in a structured way for an extended period
3) suffering from a broken guard for my eyes. Too many immodest things went into my eyes and I couldn't look away anymore. It was too hard.
4) Upset at being slighted and yelled at by people unfairly.
5) Hungry, sullen and frustrated because my stupid transportation got delayed for five hours and everything was going wrong, and I just wanted to go back to yeshiva so much, and instead I was stuck.
6) Tempted and became
completely infatuated with some really pretty girl nearby, who I brazenly started talking to and flirting with, even though there were frum yiden around.
7) Unable to sleep once I did finally get back to yeshiva hours later.
I was on the verge of acting out after letting my mind unwind in bed, and had planned an elaborate fantasy to act out with (while imagining this pretty girl) some sexline operator, and was on my way to a quiet place where I could be as loud and uncensored as I wanted to be. I told myself that I would go do it if I first called Silent Battle, and just tried talking with him. He didn't pick up. Then I told myself that I had to say the Big Book Prayers, and I did all of them, and really thought about them, and realized that I was being a control freak again.
Hashem obviously wanted all this to happen to me, because otherwise it wouldn't have happened. Baruch Hashem, he gave me a real challenge to overcome by reaching out to Him for help. I saw the humor in the transport situation, thought about how nice certain aspects of my trip were, despite the fact I missed Purim in yeshiva, how I got to make many kidushei Hashem, and how much more I would appreciate being in yeshiva once I was back. I also reminded myself that I am high up on the 90 Day Chart® and it would be so bothersome to start again. A lot of people read this thread and they're sick and tired of me messing up all the time
. I don't want to let anyone down, and especially don't want to let myself down. The rest of this campaign has been so easy; one hard night will get me?! I don't need that beautiful girl - I'll get a nice Jewish girl, who will be better for me anyway. I also read over some encouraging texts that a GYE friend sent me when I was telling him how much I was being tempted by that hottie.
I then took some melatonin, and went back to sleep. I am feeling better now, although I am still thinking about that pretty girl. I can't seem to banish her from my mind. What a body. Maybe I'll try Dov's technique by Maariv tonight, and pray for her. I'm definitely just thinking her as my personal sex toy instead of as a nice, respectful girl who is out of work, but looking for a job in family therapy, moving in with her boyfriend in Arizona, and has all the hopes and dreams that any normal American girl has. She just happens to be stunningly beautiful while doing so. I'm such a sucker for girls like that. I have such a hard time being outside yeshiva. I really hope I forget about her soon. I'm holding by Day 53 today, still, despite all the slipping. I didn't fall, Baruch Hashem. Help keep me afloat, Hashem! I'm unstable!