Keep on rocking, my friend.

I've been very antsy lately. Under a lot of stress, but holding up. I'm in a place of pritzus and zuhama, and it's hard to not be affected by everything around me. I am returning to yeshiva tonight, so hopefully that will be good. Help me make it back in one piece and remain pure!

Hardest night this streak by far. I was:

1) feeling the effects of being in a place of pritzus for extended periods
2) feeling the effects of not learning in a structured way for an extended period
3) suffering from a broken guard for my eyes. Too many immodest things went into my eyes and I couldn't look away anymore. It was too hard.
4) Upset at being slighted and yelled at by people unfairly.
5) Hungry, sullen and frustrated because my stupid transportation got delayed for five hours and everything was going wrong, and I just wanted to go back to yeshiva so much, and instead I was stuck.
6) Tempted and became completely infatuated with some really pretty girl nearby, who I brazenly started talking to and flirting with, even though there were frum yiden around.
7) Unable to sleep once I did finally get back to yeshiva hours later.

I was on the verge of acting out after letting my mind unwind in bed, and had planned an elaborate fantasy to act out with (while imagining this pretty girl) some sexline operator, and was on my way to a quiet place where I could be as loud and uncensored as I wanted to be. I told myself that I would go do it if I first called Silent Battle, and just tried talking with him. He didn't pick up. Then I told myself that I had to say the Big Book Prayers, and I did all of them, and really thought about them, and realized that I was being a control freak again.

Hashem obviously wanted all this to happen to me, because otherwise it wouldn't have happened. Baruch Hashem, he gave me a real challenge to overcome by reaching out to Him for help. I saw the humor in the transport situation, thought about how nice certain aspects of my trip were, despite the fact I missed Purim in yeshiva, how I got to make many kidushei Hashem, and how much more I would appreciate being in yeshiva once I was back. I also reminded myself that I am high up on the 90 Day Chart® and it would be so bothersome to start again. A lot of people read this thread and they're sick and tired of me messing up all the time . I don't want to let anyone down, and especially don't want to let myself down. The rest of this campaign has been so easy; one hard night will get me?! I don't need that beautiful girl - I'll get a nice Jewish girl, who will be better for me anyway. I also read over some encouraging texts that a GYE friend sent me when I was telling him how much I was being tempted by that hottie.

I then took some melatonin, and went back to sleep. I am feeling better now, although I am still thinking about that pretty girl. I can't seem to banish her from my mind. What a body. Maybe I'll try Dov's technique by Maariv tonight, and pray for her. I'm definitely just thinking her as my personal sex toy instead of as a nice, respectful girl who is out of work, but looking for a job in family therapy, moving in with her boyfriend in Arizona, and has all the hopes and dreams that any normal American girl has. She just happens to be stunningly beautiful while doing so. I'm such a sucker for girls like that. I have such a hard time being outside yeshiva. I really hope I forget about her soon. I'm holding by Day 53 today, still, despite all the slipping. I didn't fall, Baruch Hashem. Help keep me afloat, Hashem! I'm unstable!

This trip of mine really threw me off kilter. I need to renew my gedarim because I'm slip sliding. Last night and this morning was fine; I just need more good time of not slipping to get myself back on course. Still good though overall.

Continued Hatzlacha!

Thank you very much. I renewed my vows today - - that's cute. Renewed my vows, like I'm married to Hashem or something. I guess that's the goal.

Honesty, Fearlessness and Humility. I got to get that back in my veins. So far so good - I think that I'm back to normal again hopefully. Have a good Shabbos everybody!

I believe in you. Please believe in me. have a good shabbos.

I believe in you too, man! I really want to do some searches on Google, the kind of search which gets me titillating stuff. Fortunately, my neder stamps that with a $100 knas, so I'm not going to do it, but I'm still lusting for it.

I'm still struggling with pushing the boundaries of my nedarim, touching and thinking inappropriate things, but stopping before anything happens. It's so annoying that this is happening. I need to not lie on my back at all; that's the main problem. I'm craving that high because I'm triggered. I need to let go completely and remember that even lusting a little bit is a pernicious thing. Hashem, please help me keep it together and not lust anymore today or tonight.

Someone, who I respect a great deal, wrote himself the following reminder of what it is like to fall:

"It wasn't geshmack at all. It was awful. It was disgusting. It was stupid and infantile. It wasn't satisfying ... it's so much better not acting out, and living in happiness without guilt."

Forget about today and tonight.  Try for 5 minutes.  Then for 10.  Then for 20.  You get the picture!

Made it to Day 59, one day short of tying my all time record. This is a hard battle. I won so many battles this time around, and lost today. What happened? Technical violation of my neder leading to a full breakdown. Why did that happen? Same old damn reasons - pushing the boundaries too far and messing around on the edge of the cliff too many times.

Well, at least this shows that I can make it this far. Before I made it to 60 last time I didn't think I could make it that long, and this streak was better qualitatively than the last one. Well, here's to trying again. I have to restart because my neder is still active and I'll blow even more money if I act out again.

It's funny how I made it through that horrible night and basically slipped on a banana peel today.

HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  WEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

dust off, dust up, get up, and GO!!!!!

Leave the past behind.

For me, after a fall, I don't try to figure out why I fell off the cliff.  I find it is much more useful to try and figure out why I was playing so close to the edge. 

--Eye.

Wait NOYA! i thought u were good at tests? but u seem to be a little off ur game. why dont u do some studying to better prepare urself for ur next one.

I woke up today feeling awful. It's the hardest kind of day possible, being sick. But wow, Duvid Chaim is having a grand chazara today at 12! I'm excited and looking forward.