Is it causing destruction in my life? Well, I know if I were constantly involved that it would be. It would definitely be a real drain on my kochos and on everything spiritual. Where I'm holding now, which is falling around once every two months or so, I don't feel the destruction as much. I don't feel that messing up that infrequently really affects my life that much. I don't want to do it, but I guess a part of me is having trouble really letting it go for good. I always hold onto it with little slips here and there once I get long enough into a campaign, and then I mess up.

Hit me, SB.

Anyway, so yeah, the streaks are getting longer and higher quality - with overall less slips in the streaks, and being more honest. I'm just not totally honest yet. . Oy.

OK - so you can see why it's difficult for you. Whether you want to change that perspective is up to you...

I did it. I said goodbye to my old friend. Goodbye forever. Lust brings me down and I don't want it in my life. I just want love in my life. I'm going to work again towards getting pristine, and who knows? Maybe this time it will work with Hashem's help if I really go into it with the attitude that it hurts me no matter what, and that it does no good for me ever. Let's get into life, chevra!

Way to go, NOYA!!!

So far so good. I had a busy week this past week, with a few stressful moments, but I overcame those challenges Baruch Hashem and dominated whatever I had to dominate. I had kosher fun tonight, and so far I don't miss her...

bro - that is AWESOME!! Congratulations. Be proud of yourself.

But also be aware that there will likely be times when your yetzer hora will remind you of her, and whisper in your ear about how good things used to be. Want to know a secret? My yetzer hora still does that, even though I'm married, to a wonderful, amazing woman. I still get goofy, I still occasionally think about the good things about some woman I used to know, or how good things were.

And I need to remind myself how wrong i am - and as "happy" as that made me for a few seconds, how miserable it made me overall. And more than that, that wasn't who I wanted to be.

Things are going well. I had an intense week last week relating to future employment, so I had to really be on top of my game, with all my charm and social graces. I did pretty well, Baruch Hashem, only making a few minor mistakes here and there. I'm continuing to study hard for future exams, and I need to get a real schedule that has more time for learning in the afternoon.

I'm taking a lighter course load so as to allow more learning and specialized exam study time, so I have to capitalize on that decision. I'm too focused on that right now to think of taivah, so that's good. I also need to figure out dating... To wait for 90 days or not...

For myself, for my wife, and for my marriage, getting clean was one of the best things I did. It means I see my wife as the focus, and it's much easier not to get distracted. It also makes it easier for me to be OK with things not "working out" for a little while.

That's just for a start.

Continuing to do well. I'm getting more into learning a bisl, and am feeling overall more spiritual.

I'm getting more pressure to start dating and I'm not sure whether or not I should start already. I have to keep my head on straight and really focus on remembering how lust is gone for good, and I'm not going to learn to control it and enjoy it in moderation.

Half measures availed me nothing! Just gotta remember that. How is everyone doing lately?

I'm doing OK - I'd love to see you on my thread once in a while!  ;D

Remember that only once you let go of lust can you truly enjoy life - even the sexual pleasure of life!

I'm not in a great place right now. I have to be more on guard in general. I think I may have written about Shabbos afternoons before, but it bears repetition. One of the pleasures I like to indulge in is lounging around in bed on Shabbos afternoon. It's the one day a week that I get to do it, and I really like my time there. The problem is that it seems that unless I am really on guard I almost always end up messing myself up during this period of time. I'm tired and my mind wanders, and I guess the Shabbos afternoon used to be a heavy lusting period so my mind remembers it that way and dredges everything up.

The bottom line is I let the darkness in and now it's in my heart again. I didn't fall, but slipped a little bit, but that's enough to mess a person over. There's no such thing as giving in a little bit - it all catches up with you soon enough. Of course my nisyonos have to be augmented with a frantic call from my father who is experiencing terror and paranoia and is being evicted in a few days. I spoke with him for 45 minutes, and am now in a royally bad mood because I'm worried about him, have taivos in my system, miss my girlfriend a lot, and just feel like crap. I'm snapping at people left and right. I think I need to chill...

When things like that happen so close together, it becomes obvious that hashem is in our lives - and uncomfortable as it may be, He's giving you a chance to grow.

When you say "lounge in bed," do you mean nap, or just chilling in bed?

If the latter, it might be worthwhile to find another way of chilling out.

Chilling in bed. Yeah, next Shabbos I won't be doing that. Things are going well again Baruch Hashem. A lot of people are approaching me with shidduch ideas these days, so it's a nice feeling to know that people think you are a hot commodity. I am a hot commodity. Look at that.

I had a productive day today, getting a whole lot of work done for various classes. I'm finally ahead of schedule for a change in my studying, so I guess I can slow it down and relax a little bit. Maybe I'll even work out a date for Sunday night...

What a nice Shabbos! I went to a very holy rebbe I haven't been to in over a year, and had an extremely spiritual experience there. Davening was very long and very geshmack, the meals were great, and shalosh seudos was very ethereal just the way I like it. It was very uplifting. If you want to know what he said by shalosh seudos you can PM me; I just don't want to write it here in case someone will realize it's me...

Anyway, I did take a nap today, but it was leshem nap, so everything was okay. Still clean - about a month clean now, and it's been very easy so far. I missed my old flame very much right before maariv, right when I was feeling the most spiritual because I was reminded of how I used to share all these experiences with her, and how much she'd enjoy hearing about it, and how she would tell me her own Toirah and what she learned and taught... but she's not the girl for me, so I have to stop thinking about that stuff.

Anyway, gut voch everyone! Chazak!

Glad to hear that you enjoyed shabbos!