My friend!
I'm realy happy to hear your story, It's an inspiration to me. Its good to hear stories of sucess. And B''H I will be sucessfull.
ko hacavod

silentbattle wrote on 10 Jan 2011 07:43:


I'm going to agree with Silent Battle here (even if he found in my posts things that I didn't even think of) that is except for the last statement.  I don't think it's "luck" and certainly not "F$%@ing" luck.

True, our sobriety is a chessed from Hashem, but there is a reason why Hashem chose to give you that chessed.  The first thing is that you made a sincere decision to make a change and to turn your life over to Him.  That is not some dumb luck.  That is serious business.  And to say that it was "F$%@ing" luck (even in jest) and even with substitute characters is just demeaning of just how far you've really come. 

Maybe I'm being overly critical but considering how far you've come you've got to appreciate where you've come to.  As they say where I come from "Ur -A - Jew" and that comes with certain responsibility and a certain majesty.  And things that we may have done in the past while they probably never should have been done, the further along that you've come the more critical it is to make a break from those things. 

Hatzlacha. 

Thank you so much for your kind words, everyone. I almost messed up the neder again accidentally because I was seconds away from using my mother's computer to print something out, when I remembered no computer but your own. Phew. Close call.

Things are going well today. I davened at 8:00 at a neighborhood minyan, saw an old friend there, and then I ate breakfast and learned at the neighborhood kollel. I started off my day with ruchnius and felt good about that. Then I got some paperwork done that I wanted done, played a little Zelda, listened in on the call, just had lunch, and I plan on doing some studying today. I just have to keep busy the rest of the day, and tomorrow, and then hopefully after that I'll be able to leave home and go to yeshiva for a while for rest of vacation.

I did this last year also, but unfortunately I ended up acting out when I got to yeshiva, but it was all with my phone. I really hope that that won't happen again. Anyway, I feel stronger today, feel like maybe just maybe the yetzer hara got the message that I'm not automatically going to give in to his demands while at home, so he's backing off a bit. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Sounds great!

Zelda, on which game system?

UAJ - Maybe I mean fortunate, rather than lucky. I guess it's a feeling, not of randomness, but of just realizing how bad a place i was in, and how much I dodged a bullet by not being there anymore. Like a patient who had a terminal illness, and was cured. Regardless of how much he put into it, he still looks back and shakes his head in amazement that he's alive and healthy.

Twilight Princess for Gamecube. I felt very lonely tonight, and really wanted to go chatting. Without structure it's hard to feel like I'm doing well. It also didn't help that I spoke with my father today for 45 minutes, which got me depressed as usual. I'm also worried that things won't be better when I go to yeshiva because I don't know anyone there, and I have a feeling I'll be lonely there too.

Does being married help with being lonely ?

I thought you've been in yeshiva for a while - don't you know lots of people there?

NOYA wrote on 11 Jan 2011 03:47:


I think that's a perfect example of "There is no situation so bad that a little Lusting can't make worse."

Marriage does help with the loneliness...except when it makes it worse. And the less you've worked on your issues (including these), the more often that's likely to happen. I wish I'd done more work myself, earlier.

Yeah, I do know a lot of people, but when you're not around them it's just different. Calling people just isn't the same as being around them. I complained of my loneliness on Duvid Chaim's call and he recommended that I become more involved with chesed opportunities - going out to visit people in hospitals and such. That's an idea, and maybe next time I'll go do that. For now, though, I am leaving to yeshiva tomorrow, so hopefully I should be okay.

I am worried about being lonely there too because I don't know any bochurim there anymore, but hopefully my natural charm and likability will get me some buddies quickly.

The problem is that I remember last year I had such a good time acting out there. I wasn't even that lonely that time because I had tons of friends there, but I still used my phone to contact hahi itisa and we had a grand old time for 2 or 3 hours every day and it was a lot of fun and made me feel so good. Now that I am lonely I want that ten times more. This really sucks, and it's so hard where I am right now to stay strong in my conviction that it's so bad. What's so bad about it? It's just harmless fun...

Boy am I whiny on vacation!

Marriage helps with loneliness except when it makes it worse. Silentbattle, you always have such shticky lines. I feel like this is a constant issue with me, actually. I do have a lot of friends in yeshiva, and I reach out to them, but very often I still find myself lonely. Do other people have this issue? And why does talking to hahi itisa make me feel so much less lonely and more wanted than with talking to guy friends?

Sometimes life is shticky. I just report what I see.

You asked a question that deserves an answer - "What's so bad about it? It's just harmless fun..."

So go ahead. Step back for a minute, and answer it. Explain why it IS so bad. You should be able to come up with at least 4 or 5 reasons.

As far as using this woman to drive away your loneliness, no, you're not the first guy to ever have to do that. Imagine being old enough that almost all your friends are married, few live near you anyway, and none have much time to hang out or shmooz - ever. That was me. And still Lusting made things worse. At the time, though, yes - it felt very, very good. Someone(s) wanted me, completely. Emotionally, physically, intellectually. They wouldn't be with me if they weren't actually truly interested in me and enjoying themselves a whole heck of a lot. Plus, I felt wanted in that I was needed in this person's life, I was making them feel good.

Plus, being wanted by a woman is just different. And that's even aside from the fact that our Lust kicks in.

Feeling wanted, needed, important, worthy...it drives us. And when a woman is interested in us, really interested, it feels wonderful.

And it will leave us dead. Dead the next day, dead two months later, dead a year later. Needing more, wondering why, and blaming the universe for our situation.

NOYA wrote on 11 Jan 2011 17:57:


Through this addiction I've uncovered lots of things going on beneath the surface in my head that I never would have uncovered before.  With the chevra here, I'm finally able to discuss these things with people who can relate, who can help, and who don't think I'm weird.  More and more I'm getting down to emotions that I've never acknowledged before, and talking them out with other fellows.  I'm starting to feel connected to people in a way I never felt before, and it's spilling over to other relationships, too--especially with my wife and children.

So, no matter how many people I knew and could "talk to" previously, I always felt ALONE.  I was hiding too much of myself to really feel that I was having any sort of relationship.  My discussions had either been hit-and-run, either asking for advice or kvetching about something in a superficial way and getting some sort of superficial response.

--Eye.

Things were going pretty well in yeshiva here. I was learning pretty well, studying pretty well, and wasn't as lonely as I thought I would be. The guys here are very nice, but lemaisa, all my good friends aren't here. There's a little bit of an age gap between me and these guys because it's more of a 1st/2nd year bais medrosh, and I'm a fifth year guy, so that helps too. That got me a bit lonely and wanting to talk to that girl I know...

So anyway, I'm not supposed to go on Yahoo Messenger to "talk with her", so I went on it to check my messages or whatever, obviously with ulterior motives. Anyway, my phone has been online for about 36 hours straight and she hasn't shown up once (at least not when I was checking and I think she would say hi if she saw me on), so I guess my acting out plan has been sabotaged by Hashem. Shoot! Well, I guess, yay! I didn't act out or do anything and it's Day 50 today, and I don't really have the yetzer hara right now to dirty talk with her. So I guess it's on with the show and time to renew that neder to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Some other girl was on and we talked a bit, but it wasn't dirty - just friendly conversation.

Anyway, things are going pretty well Baruch Hashem. I actually just got called by my father's landlady tonight about some pretty bad news, but I'm not that shaken up by it. The matzav is that he is very unstable as you all know, and he needs to get some help. He has a lease on an apartment and wanted to extend it. Due to recent events such as him drunkenly hitting some island in his neighborhood and knocking over plants, and getting verbally abusive in his lease extension hearing with the board, she informed me that his request for extension has been denied.

I wasn't really surprised about the denial, and the incidental news certainly didn't help matters along, but I am worried about him. He's really a nebach. He gets so overwhelmed with the tiniest things, and he was basically insinuating to the landlady that his death will be on her head if he gets kicked out. He pashut doesn't have the kochos to find a new place, and he's too nebach to do anything for himself. He can't get his SS paperwork done, he can't do anything. It's very frustrating, and I guess I'm ashamed of him for being the way he is.

I should probably visit him and help him figure things out. The yeshiva is fifty miles or so away from him. I have to figure out a way to get out there. Okay, sayonara!

One thing that my therapist drilled into me when he was helping me with my recovery is that every time we're tempted, whether we win, lose, or something in between, we can turn it into a win by learning more about ourselves and our addiction. It sounds to me like yo have a great opportunity to do that, both with the fact that you went looking for her, and the fact that you had "friendly" conversation with the other girl. What did you learn about yourself?

As for your father...man, I'm sorry. Sometimes, things just pile up. But do you really think you should be going out there? Sounds like you might be getting dragged deeper into an unhealthy relationship, an addictive cycle, that's already bad enough.

silentbattle wrote on 18 Jan 2011 06:22:

Yeah, and if you go in there and help him, he'll never stop relying on you.  I think this is what they call an enabler, or co-dependant.  Try not to be one of those.

I almost made it out of my vacation in good shape, but I guess I just had too many slips. Messed up again. This is frustrating, but I guess my streaks are getting longer and overall higher quality. I want to make it to 90 already, though, like SB and Steve and lots of other pals did. Oh well, get back up, and get back in the game...

Here's a question for you - a serious question. Answer what you really feel, not just the expected answer: Do you feel that Lust is causing destruction in your life?

NOYA wrote on 23 Jan 2011 01:11:


That's great.  I would definitely be interested to hear more about that.

--Eye.