I'm definitely feel less conflicted overall, and probably more happy overall. Yeah, definitely more happy overall being sober. I definitely do miss my girl though, now and again. I had a major challenge last night. I was was working on something in a computer lab, and I get a text from her, all excited, saying "Hey Noya!! I'm back!" Then she sent me another message: "I missed you..." which is always code for "seduce me." The ellipsis does the trick . Anyway, it was a big challenge, but I sent her a nice email letting her know I'm glad she was back, but basically that I'm really trying to keep things clean, limiting myself to one email a day to her, etc. So far, she hasn't responded to that email, which is a little weird. I am hoping she just realizes that I'm for real trying to be clean and she'll probably leave me alone. That, in fact, is the long term plan. Eventually I hope to just sort of drift away, although it hasn't happened yet. Anyway, I deserve a nice big cookie or something for overcoming that nisayon, obviously with Hashem's help.

I will be home soon! That is both good and bad. It's good because I need a break and miss home. It's bad because "Home is where the porn is" as Anon put it once. To ensure I don't act out I'll make a neder, bli neder , that I won't use anyone's computer besides my personal laptop (the BLACK ONE, not the WHITE ONE!), unless the other person is mamash watching the screen besides me. Hopefully that will keep me safe, and obviously it will be on top of my usual neder. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I planned out bain hazmanim so I'll be gainfully employed and I hope it all works out - my goodness I really do, because if I can make it through this, then I am really confident about 90 days.

I am trying not to think of it too often, and to focus on living life. I have to call up the DC group again - feeling I need my DC fix. And Eye, you're on target - I have to remember how Steve totally took out my attack that one time last campaign when I was in trouble. Okay, have a good one everybody!

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling better, and feeling happy about being sober is key.

But you do realize that you're sitting in a bar, right? you've even tipped the bartender, so that he keeps coming by and asking you if you're sure you don't want a drink.

Yeah yeah yeah. I'm not ready to say goodbye to her forever yet. We're drifting.

The yetzer hara is really getting to me already. I am triggered right now, sitting on the bus. Just the fact that I'm going home where there is a beautiful laptop waiting for me with no filter, and no school to go to, and no shiur for weeks is such a nisayon. I want to curl up with that computer and have fun. I want to go on Yahoo and chat it up with my boo. Oh my gosh I miss pritzus and that exciting feeling so much.

The sizzle is better than the steak. The sizzle is better than the steak. The sizzle is better than the steak. Sigh.

Noya
hey boy show us your Koach, you have all the opportunity to fall, and what will you choose?
just imagine the strength you will be accumulating by refraining
I am praying for you, please pray for me

I love you, I'm davening for you, and I wish you the most hatzlacha!

Is it you that wants to do those things, or is it your yetzer hora, your addiction, speaking with your voice, convincing you of how great it would be?

The Yetzer Hara is hitting hard, but Hashem is hitting hard too Baruch Him. I am in my room now, on my very nice K9 protected laptop. When I initially got home, there was the white laptop in my room, but I have removed it to another room, and I have a neder from Thursday night that I won't use it unless someone is looking at the screen with me, so I think I'm okay. I was seriously considering acting out anyway, despite the neder, but I called up Strug and shmoozed with him for a while, and then I logged on here and saw you holy yidden pulling for me, and saying such nice things, it gave me chizuk. I have a couple of hours until bedtime. I have a few things I should do. I should learn some Mishnayos lilui Nishmas somebody, I can play some video games, I can read a book, I can play piano, call more people, learn other things, study for the next big test I have to take, wow, the possibilities are multitudinous.

I would be such toast without nedarim. My goodness, I'm so weak! Who am I kidding?! Haha. I definitely would not be having this discussion right now without them. Thank you Anon for convincing me to start with them! 2nd Chance, thanks so much, I feel the positive power, and thank you silentbattle too! Hope you had a great Shabbos, and of course it's my yetzer hara. He's very convincing you know!

By the way, I got an A+ in one class I thought I did the worst in!

Hey NOYA!

You should give me a call. I like talking to you :D

Let's both have a clean vacation.

P.S.
I went to Shacharis, Mincha, and Maariv today.

I'm always here for you, NOYA - you know that!

It might help to remind yourself of that one minor(?!) fact - it isn't you that wants these things, and it isn't you that needs these things, and it isn't you that thinks that these things will feel so good.

For me, reminding myself that all these thoughts aren't really the true me, helps a bit. Otherwise, the pressure of all these things that I need, and that I'm depriving myself of, builds up.

I had such a hard night last night. I can't believe I'm still okay. I couldn't sleep and the yetzer hara just wouldn't leave me alone. I went level 2 pretty quickly and fantasies washed over me, like every fantasy I ever had just rammed into my brain and I was shivering from the desire to act out. Then my computer started flashing annoyingly even though it was off, so I got up to turn it off, and the yetzer hara was urging me to go and get the other laptop while I was up. I felt so enslaved, but somehow I managed to just go to the bathroom and go back to the room without getting the laptop, but it was soooo hard to fight.

Wow, this is why this fight is hard. It's serious business breaking the yetzer's hold. I know that if I act out, it'll be so not worth it - 42 days of sobriety and counting down the drain - and I'll be miserable the rest of vacation. Hey Anon! I'll call you, don't worry. I probably should have called last night - but this attack happened after I already called someone earlier, and it just came so suddenly (and it was after hamapil ). It was bad.

And SB, it does feel like me who wants it. I guess I am not technically my body, but my body definitely does want it. My brain craves it like a heroin addict craves smack. Does the craving go away after 90 days? I don't think this attack was really prompted by any AA chisaron - I think it was just a physical attack, a craving. No particular reason other than I am home, and my brain knows that home is where the porn is so it craved it.

And Anon, good job! I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work with davening!

Wow, NOYA, I can relate to the raw feeling of lust when I am alone in a room with an unfiltered computer, or when I visit a place where I used to indulge in those unhealthy activities. I've had it so often. B"H I haven't been placed in these situations recently. All I can say is that I admire your strength, and that I'll keep you in my prayers -- NOYA ben Yosef HaTzadik.
Keep Up The Good Work!

Addictive behavior is often triggered by being back in a place where you used to indulge.

Also, forget about "AA." Is it a compulsive behavior? In other words, do you feel an overwhelming compulsion to do something, regardless of what you know you want and will make you happy? That doesn't sound like a regular physical urge.

For me, part of recovery was realizing that my addiction was against my true interests, what would truly make me happy, both long-term, and short-term. Once I accepted that, well, then acting out isn't really what i want anymore. And once that's clear, it makes things a bit easier to deal with. As long as I still insisted that acting out was something that I wanted, it was very difficult to fight. I'd probably still be stuck.

I had a casualty of my neder today. I'm okay, and I didn't act out, but I did something that went against the rules of my neder so I had to fork over $100 to tzedaka. All I did was search for "Frum" on google and I went on some chat website for about 10 seconds, but it was enough to break the neder conditions I set up, so I paid up. This is interesting because I didn't slip or anything, but I did have the wrong kavanos while doing that, so it was the right thing to do.

It's so true that being in a place where you are used to acting out is very triggering. I get hit so hard at home it's crazy. And Eved, you reminded me of something when you said my name. I just dahered that I come from at least a double line of addicts. Both my father and my grandfather had/have double addictions both to alcohol and to sex. Do I have that in my genes or something? I feel like it's harder for me than for others sometimes, maybe because of that.

As for compulsive behavior, as in the mental disorder of OCD? I don't think so. It's just an enormously powerful desire that I have tremendous difficulty saying no to, sometimes to the point where my reason is muted and logic quenched. All there is is taivah beckoning me to her clutches, irresistibly. I know that it won't make me happy, and that I need to stop this in order to start shidduchim and move ahead in my life, and I really need to say goodbye to it. I thought I said goodbye, but it doesn't leave so easily. 

NOYA wrote on 10 Jan 2011 02:47:


I wouldn't call that a casualty, I would say it is very impressive statement regarding your honesty and committment.  I think that it is often those innocent searches that lead us to where we don't want to be.  So if you could cut off the Yetzer Hora at the pass before you even get to the slip and fall, and prevent yourself from even getting near the slippery slope.  Well that's impressive.  That $100 dollars to tzeddakah is no simple $100 donation, its precious. 

Keep up the great work.

I'm gonna agree with UAJ, here - I wouldn't use the word casualty. For me, using that word would make me think, "what I was doing really wasn't that bad, it wasn't a step towards getting on the Lust train, it's not something i need to be careful about...but oh, well, it was part of my neder!"

I would add that you mentioned that you did NOT have innocent intentions. In point of fact, when most of start start randomly googling stuff, we rarely do, I think. It rarely leads anywhere good. That's aside from the fact that it's usually a siman of boredom, or RID.

By compulsion, no, I don't mean a mental disorder. I mean "a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will." (Random House Dictionary, taken from Dictionary.com)

Would you say that you qualify? I know I do!

As for saying goodbye, it'll keep knocking for a while. But eventually, if you really want to say goodbye, it'll go away. If you don't really want to say goodbye...well, you know what smokers say: "Quitting is easy, heck, I've done it dozens of times!"

Before I finally started my road to recovery, there were times when I deleted an entire email account, with pictures of women, contact information, everything. It was like a clean break. Except that my Lust knew tha i didn't really want to say goodbye, and eventually, it kept knocking, and I answered again.

With Hashem's help, I've gotten to a place where I realized that I couldn't survive with Lust anymore. It was killing me, killing the person i wanted to be, the person I could become.

And the results speak for themselves. I'm actually sitting here, shaking a bit, as I realize how lucky I am to be free of something that I've been stuck in for so long. Thank you, Hashem. Thank you GYE. Thank you to all the people (including you, NOYA) who've helped me get to where I am. Thank you, my wife, my rebbe, my friends.

I'm so F$%@ing lucky, it's unreal.