NOYA wrote on 13 Dec 2010 20:00:


For me, of all things to work on, I find one thing that's most useful to work on, at this stage in the game, is not to worry too much about my shortcomings.  I'm not good enough for this... I'm not learning enough of that... I'm... I'm... I'm going to act out!

--Eye.

Yeah, you're right. Too much worrying about stuff could definitely lead to depression and acting out. I actually had a very solid day today - I learned much more than I usually do, and that really feels awesome. I feel close to Hashem with days like this and that's great! Incidentally, I also just had my first little slip of my campaign this time around. I'm not sure which day I'm up to - I guess 17 or 18...

I was walking back to my dorm, and then a friend asks me if I wanted a movie from him to watch. Then I asked if it was clean or not and I told him to check some website that checks stuff. Then I went to look it up and couldn't find it but I was interested in testing out their search feature to see if there was a perfect trifecta movie, a movie with the highest marks in nudity, violence and profanity. Turns out there are two such movies, and I clicked to find out more "out of curiosity." I guess I was tired and not paying attention to what I was doing because I should have immediately realized my true intentions in such a thing, but after reading for about two seconds I realized that I shouldn't be there.

Okay, but that's definitely just a slip because I don't think I consciously decided to look that stuff up davka for that reason. I was curious! I won't do that again though. We always must be aware of our perceptions and motives.

Have a good Shabbos everyone! I give you a bracha that as we are mesayem sefer Braishis, we should all be zocheh to elevated levels of shmiras habris and ainayim during the special Shovavim parshiyos! Onwards and upwards! Chazak chazak venischazek!

Oh yeah... shovavim.

I once heard an interesting vort about tikunim...

It's like, when the roof has a little leak, it needs a tikun.

But if it caved in, it needs to really be fixed!

This is certainly a good time to put extra effort into this area of work. 

It was a hard week. I'm sick of this semester - it feels like it's going on forever. On top of that, I've been having a tough week on the struggle front also. Pretty much every day I've had hirhurim come to me even during davening and learning (or maybe especially?). My neder expires as soon as I read over the TaphSic method page, so I should probably make a new neder and THEN read the page to expire the old neder. That would be the smart thing to do.

I was really lonely the other night and some crazy thing happened that prompted my special friend who I can't marry to email me. I have a new rule that is really good for stopping sexting - that is I'm only allowed to send one email a day, so that is supposed to help me consider before I send an email whether or not I'm doing it for the right reasons. But I guess I was really down and lonely and basically sent her an email that said I'm all lonely and miss stuff. It wasn't a lewd email or anything - I just told her that I was getting a little antsy from my surroundings and what's happening here.

She hasn't responded to that email, and it's been a while. I hope she's being more mature than I am and just ignoring the email. Love is in the air here in my surroundings - people getting engaged and people dating and people getting married left and right so it's certainly not helping things out. I guess I have to reach out and talk to my GYE buddies more. One particular friend of mine is doing very well in his dating and he tells me about it because we are very good friends, and it makes me antsy and a little jealous because he's making her out to be like the most beautiful girl, the nicest, smartest girl ever. Sounds good. Ken Ayin Hara, but I think it's probably best if I ask him to keep it to himself more.

I am feeling more pressure to start going out. Maybe I should even though I didn't hit 90 days yet ever? Tough call. I happen to have a long vacation ahead of me in a few short weeks that I really need to figure out a good plan for, or else I'm toast. But Baruch Hashem, I've been solid ever since I started this new campaign, and haven't had any legit slips yet. G-d runs the show, I have faith, and I just gotta keep on trying and the sipuk will come.

Have a great Shabbos everybody!

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK NOYA! HASHEM IS VERY PROUD OF YOUR HARD WORK.
GOOD SHABBOS

Holy Toledo that was such a hard Shabbos. Non stop hirhurim and challenges from the second I woke up lasting all day long. I couldn't resist fooling around a little bit, so that didn't help. I didn't fall all the way though. I mamash would be toast shebe toast without my neder. I feel okay right now, Baruch Hashem. I wanted so badly to just go crazy and go clubbing and be mezaneh tonight - I don't know where this came from - so random and so sudden and so powerful.

Baruch Hashem, I didn't fall, but I need chizuk and koiach to go on. I'm in bad shape. Come to think of it, I'm definitely in much better shape right now than I was a few hours ago; I'm not sure how that changed either. I was a basketcase all day long.

Onwards and upwards!

how many days u up to now NOYA? (just curious)

Today is Day 29. I am on the 90 Day Chart also for any future tracking desires you may have.

NOYA wrote on 27 Dec 2010 05:40:


wicked.

ur so awesome. KOZ dude

What are you doing when these hirhurim come along?  If you're having non-stop hirhurim, you're probably trying to fight them--which always makes them worse instead.

--Eye.

When hirhurim come along I generally try to turn my attention to other things. That is only effective some of the time because occasionally I go Level 2, where the hirhurim are more pressing and demanding and in your face. Wow, that's a shout-out to Page 1 of my wall here. So anyway, these hirhurim just get intense. You all know what I'm talking about - you just get overrun and you can't think of anything else no matter how hard you try.

Anyway, Baruch Hashem that hasn't happened since last Shabbos, and it eventually went away. This Shabbos was a pretty good one. I have to start planning out my vacation to make sure I'm in a good environment the whole time, and thus I should be able to stay clean until yeshiva starts again. I'm confident that if Hashem helps me make it past vacation, then I should be able to make it to 90 days. I just need to plan this properly. Bain hazmanim does not have to equal epic porn rampage. It can be nice family time for 4 or 5 days, while learning two hours a day, playing video games three, and just chilling/ going on a ski trip for some of it.

I definitely am having a harder time though. The thoughts are starting to come back - the allure of porn, the desire to look at it. I really hope that after 90 days I just don't have that desire anymore. Gut voch everybody!

Good luck...but I hope you realize that the desire doesn't disappear after 90 days. I hope you're working on realizing how good it feels to be clean. Focus on that!

When we try to turn out thoughts to other things, there's still one problem--we're still inside our head!

More recently, I am really finding it helpful to reach out to someone when these thoughts come along.  Even just say hello.

--Eye.