My mother called me and we had a nice cry together. It's the first time I cried in a long time, besides for Yom Kippur. So therapeutic. It really is great. I love my mommy.

Despite all the emotional upheaval I'm still sober Baruch Hashem.

Glad to hear that!

When we're in a funk, everything seems dark, and everything is more difficult. What can you do to get yourself out of it?

One more thing (and I'm not really qualified to give advice, so all I'm saying is to check with someone who is qualified) - as far as your relationship with your father, and convincing him not to kill himself, and to seek help, etc...even if you were just a friend of mine, i'd be worried. If i remember correctly, one of the aspects of addiction is dragging people around you into your problems, making them overly involved, etc.

And considering that you have some problems of addiction yourself, this is even more worrying, because I'd imagine that it becomes even easier to get dragged in.

NOYA wrote on 05 Dec 2010 05:40:


ADARABA!  Getting in touch with our emotions is a sign we're getting more in touch with who we are!  It's a sign of recovery.

--Eye.

My father called me again today and left a message about an hour ago. I just called him back. He started off sounding normal. He claimed he just made up what happened yesterday, that it was all a fantasy - losing grip on reality. He's done this before - he thought he was an Israeli spy for like two weeks a few months ago. I don't know what the truth is, and I don't think he does either.

Then he started sounding really creepy again and started talking suicide again. I called my rebbe yesterday and my rebbe told me that I have no achrayus to talk to him about this sort of stuff. I told my father to call a suicide hotline. My gosh he's so creepy.

He asked me to answer the question of what happens to his soul when he commits suicide. I told him that you lose your chelek in olam haba, and you're doomed to eternal hell. Not sure if that's true or not, but I'm trying to steer him clear of that. Then he answered me in an even more creepy tone that he checked out all the religions, and their take on suicide. Orthodox Judaism, Hinduism, philosophy, etc. and that suicide is... an individual decision. Uch, he's such a creep show - I remember his sick, velvety tone when he said that. Makes me retch. At that point I got so fed up, and I told him that I cried last night because of his talking about similar things, and that I have no responsibility to talk to you about these subjects, and that the only thing I have to say is to call a suicide hotline.

What a sick, sick man. Please daven for him - Yosef ben Chaya.

Wow - as horrifying as that is, it takes a lot of strength to walk away, even when it's the healthy thing to do, the right thing to do, the best thing to do - for everyone.

That's great.  BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!

he may be partly considering suicide, but why's he calling u? sounds like he wants ur attention...it's so painful to hear this, so awful. i can only imagine how much it hurts ur brain to hear his voice.

desperate_teddybear wrote on 06 Dec 2010 18:40:

IT'S ABUSIVE.  MIND GAMES.

Good point, Eye - we, in particular, tend to have trouble with healthy boundaries (both in regard to our own boundaries, and others). It's important to be aware, and work on it.

Hey gang,

Thanks for the chizuk. Things are going pretty well now. He called me again yesterday, but I didn't pick up. The voicemail was his classic pitiful, "Call me." I feel bad for him, but he only makes me upset when I talk to him. It's as if he doesn't want to be consoled, but wants other people to be miserable with him.

I think I did really well on a certain test that I was worried about, so I'm glad that's out of the way. I was very stressed about it. Things are good otherwise. Onwards!

Sounds like you did the right thing.  Keep on rocking, man!

At some point in the future, you may need to figure out a way to have a healthy relationship there, with healthy boundaries, but right now, you're struggling with your own boundaries, so it's probably not the best time to start trying to balance your relationship with an addict, which can be difficult even for people who are healthy and balanced to start with.

Had a great Shabbos with a friend. It was interesting and relaxing. The community was a bit modern so there was what to see, but I was pretty good overall. DC is starting up again tomorrow! Hurrah! Should be interesting...

Things are going all right. I feel like I'm not doing enough in learning and divrei kedusha though. I feel like there is something missing because I'm not putting enough in. I guess the solution is to take things more seriously and really punch the clock. A few things are up in the air - summer internships, what will be next semester, will I be able to be effective in the bais with less classes, what should I do with shidduchim - a lot of questions.

I haven't thought of my father lately, which is a relief. Hope he's okay. My rebbe just told me a few minutes ago that I need to try harder; I guess he notices that I'm not totally in the game these days. I am afraid of failure if I go all out like some bochurim do. I'm afraid I won't be able to learn effectively all day like they do. I guess I have things to think about. Okay, class time!

So far, doing great!

questions on when to go out is why its good we have roshei yeshivos.

rock on NOYA ur thread is my 'go to' place for inspiro-stuff

Noya -

You've come a long way, and your spiritual strength is an inspiration to me. Keep following your RY's and Rebbe's advice. They are your link to Hashem's guidance right now, the closest thing you can get to ruach hakodesh. And yes, along with us you should keep davening for your father, like you would ANY sick individual. Feel pity for him, not for yourself. Hashem is grooming you to become a baal rachmonos par excellance, and with the boundaries you've established you will be safe.

Hang in there, my dear ol' friend. And I'm SOOOO happy to hear you're back on board the flotilla.

KT,

Steve