Hello Noya,

By staying clean today, you leave open the option to, b'Ezras Hashem, achieve great things tomorrow!

Hatzlacha!

And you also accomplish something great today - even if it doesn't feel exciting.

Imagine a brain surgeon taking off his gloves in the middle of surgery. "I'm sorry guys, but this is just getting boring." Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting and exciting, OK? See ya!"

Gd is always exciting

Today was so hard. I've been messing around as you know, and I got really close to the edge of the cliff again last night because I talked to that friend of mine again, and this time SHE stopped us from going into the realm of sexting (although the conversation wasn't exactly 100% kosher before that). I also drove around on that stupid website I like going on that I shouldn't, getting closer to the cliff. Then today I of course woke up and could think of nothing but giving up and acting out all day.

I was about to give it all up and give in to the yetzer hara. I downloaded something surreptitiously that would get around K9 and it worked on my computer. I was mamash going to go all the way, and then I said, "You know, I'll make myself a deal. We'll count that stuff that happened as a slip, and add it to our fall list this campaign around." That still was not stopping me, and I knew I was a goner, but something made me pick up the phone and call Steve, one of our patron saints here on GYE.

He talked to me for 35 minutes on the phone and got me to relax and get in the right frame of mind again. This was so close. My G-d. This fight is no joke. Thank you so much Steve!

Today marks the longest I have ever gone without masturbating by the way. It's Day 51 and what a day it is so far.

I am going to draft some rules for the remaining time in my 90 days, adding to my fall list and I am also going to write up a new shvua that will help me out. Bottom line, though, I have to work on my recovery. I have to live with humility, fearlessness and HONESTY. I don't want this junk. It's not a good medicine for what ails ya. It's a poison that takes over your life and saps all chiyus from your existence. Such a struggle though - G-d, can't you make this easier for a lazy guy like me?!

NOYA wrote on 16 Nov 2010 20:55:
Look chaver, if you can post what you just said, you can already check off the box called honesty. And if you can continue your struggle past all the roadblocks you just described, you can check off the box called fearlessness.

That leaves only the box called humility. That one's gonna be hard, because you are doing such powerful and inspiring work here. You have lots of cause to feel the opposite of humble if you stop and think it through. But just remember the difference between TRUE humility, where you can acknowledge the truth even when it's complimentary (!), and a FALSE humility, where you have to feel like a dishrag.

Perhaps you can settle for Honest and Fearless?  Keep going, buddy, you're so impressive!

Yashar Koach, Noya (and to Steve for being there for him!).

Try to think of this girl as you would a cheeseburger, and you'll see why you're so much better off keeping a distance!

Glad to hear that you haven't masturbated for such a long time - that is a huge victory!

For myself, though, once I'm in a situation that requires me to be powerful (e.g., talking to a girl that's tempting, especially if I had a history with her), I'm already in trouble. Because I'm powerless.

noya good job!

Okay, I feel safe again. I just made a shvua again, and this time it's all written down and saved on my computer so I don't have to worry about forgetting exactly what I said. I also wrote down an updated list of what counts as a fall for me personally for the rest of my 90 day count. I feel good. I had a great day in shiur today, and I feel like I was very productive over the past hour and a half writing this stuff down, and getting a shvua to block for me again. I know that this isn't the answer and I have to be in recovery for real - that's the real answer.

What Steve told me yesterday is so important. He reminded me that I can't have any lingering thoughts of being able to control this someday. The truth is in the back of my mind I was looking forward to winter break, so I could go home and go in my warm bed and look at porn all night long for days and days - how geshmack that would be. I still have those thoughts and it's hard to shake them. Porn is so great. What's so bad about spending a few days doing that?

I guess the answer is that it spills over and it won't just be for a few days; it'll be every day after that too, even during the zman. And besides, you're not allowed to do that - it does huge damage to your neshomo and blocks good relationships and everything good. I have to figure out what I'm doing then, though. I have a while to think about it.

But Baruch Hashem, I can't believe I didn't mess up all the way AND have a new shvua in place. Nisim bechol yom. Thank you so much for giving me chizuk and telling me that I'm doing a good job and not being unsuccessful here.

Dear Noya,

What great words of inspiration!

How geshmak would it be to look at porn for a few days?  About as geshmak as being forced to row upstream, without any paddles, in a cesspool of raw sewage, leading you straight to gehenom!

Ah, but you've chosen a much better route.  Keep this up, and you'll not only make a great husband, but a great father too, b'Ezras Hashem!

Like Kedusha said. Being clean is good, for today!

Glad to hear that you're still clean, and moving forward. Rock on!

Thanks for the chizuk, SB and Kedusha! Kedusha, I still don't have that regesh unfortunately. I'm hoping that 90 days will help shift porn outside my spectrum of challenges so that it becomes, "Okay, it sounds yummy, but there's no way I would ever do that." The same way that I would never eat a gevaldika delicious steak in a fine traif restaurant, no matter how delicious people say it is there.

I definitely still am not averse to it, though, and would definitely mess up in the wrong scenario. Anyway, I emerged from my yeshiva cave for the first time in a month and a half or so, and went to a public place for some nice kosher fun with some friends. I didn't think ahead of time of being mechazek in shmiras ainayim because I'm used to not seeing any girls around and I guess I just wasn't thinking, but overall things weren't so bad.

There weren't any REALLY badly dressed girls around, and overall I was good. I was NORMAL. I didn't obsess over anyone. I noticed that some girls were quite pretty and had fleeting inappropriate thoughts about them, but nothing like I used to, when I would basically "fall in love" and stalk a girl the whole time (creepy right?). Baruch Hashem!

Thank you noya for being honest and admitting how geshmack porn is to you. I have the same dream as you to sit undisturbed for hours looking at porn.
We cant do it because it will kill us and ruin our lives. That is a fact dont let anyone tell you differently.

It's a nice (albeit embarrassing) feeling when we can look back and see how silly we used to be.

My recent post relates to what you wrote - 90 days doesn't change our view - only we can do that.

And yes, it's easy to view porn and other temptations as a geshmak steak - but as long as we do, we're in trouble. We need to realize that it's a poisonous steak. And really, it's not steak at all - it's actually a big lump of fecal matter just dangling there, ever so tantalizing, at the end of our forks.

That's not a trick to help us - that's the truth.

Frumfiend The star wrote on 21 Nov 2010 21:12:


Which is why we need to reach out, even by phone on Shabbos, if necessary.