I didn't die even though it was very uncomfortable not giving in for a while. I feel really good right now. Much better than if I had acted out. I'm davening well, learning pretty well, and just wrote a really long email to my father that hopefully will help him with his problem. A day well spent.

Go Hashem! Go TaPHSiC method!

Ish Tov Mevaser Tov

Glad to hear you doing well - have a great shabbos!

A Good Erev Shabbos NOYA
Just read part of your thread.
Your right, from me the TaPHSiC method works so far the best, hopefully it will stay like that. We just need to make sure to renew it as soon as it expires. I make part of the neder or shavua that it will only expire after i have been on GYE for at least half an hour and read the daily chizuk email and some post, to ensure that i am in good mental shape and renew it straight away.

Also keep in mind that Shabbos is mashpia for the whole week ahead so the better you "perform" on shabbos the easier it will be the coming 6 days. Also the s'char for anything we do on shabbos in multiplied thousand fold (like one word toira on shabbos is equivalent to 1000 word in the week, i think the gro"o says it) The oposit applies aswell c"v. So shabbos maybe a time when we 'unwind' but that should only be for the physical part, whereas for the ruchnius the opposit applies. Shabbos is the day when we can gain  tremendously spiritually from learning, davening, zemiros shabbos and strengthening our connection to Hashem without being disturbed. But those extensive shabbos afternoon naps and sleeping in the morning till 'very' late are a complete waste of time and bring to all sorts of nissyonas and mich'shoilym c"v.

Ok i need to go to the mikva its getting late

Have a freilichen shabbos and Tomid besimcha

Hey everybody, thanks for stopping by. Tomid, that's a very good idea you have with your mod to the Taphsic method. I'll keep that in mind next time. It definitely is important because it's so easy to just screw up after it expires, before you jump on the next one. My friend did just that, and I was pretty close to messing up as well.

I rationalized reaching out to this girl I am very close with after my shvua was over, because I felt I hadn't left our conversation from a month ago on a very positive or kosher note and because I wanted to find out from her whether she thought we had a future for shidduchim based on our hashkafic differences. So I did, and steered the conversation in a kosher way (relatively) instead of sexting.

I had an amazing daher by the way during our conversation. So we were getting all nostalgic about the good old times, and telling each other how amazing we both were, blah blah blah, and I told her about what I'm doing with the shvuas and how I'm feeling more spiritual every day, and at first she said it was the craziest thing zshe ever heard but eventually she realized it was for real and was impressed. So I thought that she understood, yet, just a few hours later when I returned she tried to seduce me again online.

I'm already out of the muck to a certain degree so I saw the contrast clearly, the same contrast I used to do - be so frum with her, talk about Torah and chasidus and whatever, and right after that sext with her. I see how inconsistent it is, but I guess it never really hit me until then. Anyway, Baruch Hashem I was able to exscape the conversation without messing up and without hurting her feelings, and I renewed my shvua after that. I have to be more careful for next time, but I'm on my way to a record breaker. I feel it. Hatzlacha everyone!

Things continue to go pretty well overall on the taivah front. The other day a friend showed me a video that had a lot of beautiful young girls in it who all became star struck by one guy in the video. Needless to say it got my mind working and inspired in me the old desire to live that lifestyle of chasing after girls and doing that thing. I went to hear a good drasha, and it was very good, and on the way back I talked myself out of wanting what I wanted earlier. I reminded myself of how nebach it is to have flings - being with a woman just for her body without connection in any other way is so empty. I also don't like vapid women, which is how all these girls are. They're just bodies with no intellect or midos...

Things are great though! I'm having a wonderful campaign, and I'm in the middle of a two week shvua this time.

First of all, I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you. And if you feel that my thoughts and opinions aren't helpful for you, please let me know.

I'm glad to hear that you're seeing things more clearly. But let me ask you a question - What about relationship where the connection is not only physical? What if she connects with you in a deep way, appreciates and understands you better than anyone else? Even supports your ruchniyus, and encourages you to grow? Makes sure you go to davening on time every day? Has intellect, has middos?

The yetzer hora likes it when things seem simple to us, because then he can trap us in more complex situations. Please be careful.

Another question for you - let's say that the girl wouldn't have tried to chat with you afterward; would you have considered the phone call a mistake?

That's the sort of relationship I had with this girl I was talking about earlier. She was very positive for my ruchhniyus and emotional well being for a while, and I really enjoyed talking with her. There was the assur aspect of it too that counterbalanced the ruchniyus, but she definitely is not a one-dimensional person at all. I see what you're saying, though, and I appreciate the warning. You're right - big nisyonos out there.

I'm not sure what you mean by your last question - if I would have considered the call a mistake or not. I wasn't happy about the fact that she tried to seduce me if that's what you mean. Anyway, Shabbos was good. I spent it in opulent surroundings, in a wealthy community. People are trying to set me up left and right these days for shidduchim. I'm not starting just yet though. I would like to have 90 days behind me before I start. That would be really nice.

I have the taivah to see beautiful people right now. Sigh.

You know my background. I can relate to your struggle, because none of my relationships were one-dimensional, and some of the people I was involved with were really special people. It took me a while to see that 1) even if they were really special, by being involved with them, I was being incredibly selfish - even if they understood the situation, and still wanted it. And 2) even in a deep relationship of that sort, it was still the antithesis of a true connection, no matter how connected I felt.

My second question was whether or not you'd consider your phone call a mistake if she hadn't tried to seduce you afterward.

How were you being incredibly selfish? I don't really feel that way. I'm just not involved because I know it won't work out - what's hard is that she definitely still wants a relationship. Also, how is it the antithesis of a true connection? I do feel like I have a real connection with this girl. What is a true connection anyway?

And hmm, it probably was a mistake to call even without the seduction attempt. I said that it was a rationalization, didn't I? Ultimately I wanted to reconnect for emotional reasons - but even that is problematic I understand. Well, I just have to be more careful. I'm okay right now BH. In record breaking territory, but I can't get cocky now. I also just saw some pritzus accidentally online on a music site, so I'm a little buzzed even from seeing something for five seconds without intending to. So sensitive.

Yep, we can have all different types of reasons to get involved in unhealthy relationships. The emotional draw can be very powerful, too. I recently commented on another thread, recalling the time a girl I had known calling and asking for my help - her father was sick, and so she was moving out of the city. She just needed my help to go get some empty boxes for packing and drop it off by her apartment - I wouldn't even have to see her!

Not responding was very difficult - it would have been so easy to convince myself that just doing it was the right thing to do. But I have no doubt that I did the right thing.

As for your questions...it's not a real connection because (in your situation, at least right now) it's a relationship that isn't going anywhere. It's safe, there's no true investment. That took me a while to accept, myself.

Even more difficult to accept was the fact that these relationships were selfish. After all, I reasoned, these women are aware of the situation, and they want to be with me anyway - clearly, I am giving them something that makes them happy! But the fact is that in such a relationship, we're focused on ourselves, on what we want. Sometimes, what we want is to make someone happy.

But the selfishness should really come as no surprise to us, especially once we realize that these relationships are all part of an addictive behavior pattern, right?

Uch, I feel so upset. I played shenanigans last night with the 'innocuous' google search that wasn't really innocuous, and read some 'innocent' stuff just for an 'interesting' read. Now I'm in a safek situation if my shvua was broken or not. That RID is getting me more anxious and annoyed and I'm just in a bad mood because I don't want to give $650 for doing something that is only a safek if it broke the shvua officially. I asked a big posek and he couldn't help me because it's really unclear, and I have trouble remembering my kavanos when I made the shvua. This is so awful. Okay, deep breath.

What should I do? All this RID is making me get really you know what too.

I thought back long and hard to when I made the shvua and have come to the conclusion that what I did, although wrong and definitely a slip in the wrong direction (and will be a fall next time like I had another campaign), was technically not a violation of the shvua because I honestly don't think what I did was not included in my intent when I said that I wouldn't read erotic stories. I meant hardcore erotic stories - not little tidbits that weren't written as erotic stories, but rather were written by some poor lady with a real problem or shailah, whose information was being shared not to titillate, but rather to ask for help from people.

That being said, it is wrong but not against the shvua. I really don't think it is, and I hope that the money isn't clouding my judgment, but that is my true recollection of that night. This shvua thing is SO stressful and got me so ridded up over it, I'm not sure if it's worth doing again. I'm going to go get crunked now. Good night!

Hey Noya,

1) I would like to thank you for talking about the taphsic thing. I wouldn't have known about it and it is working for me so far...
2) Will ypu continue with it? It may be stressful but it seems to be working for you.
3) Will your new shvua include slips? I see tha6t we must think of everything during the sh9vua-.

Best of luck,

A.

Hey installed,

You're welcome. I in return thank GYE for featuring it in that chizuk email, wherever it was, and Anon for convincing me to do it. I think I will continue with it, but when I make the shvua this time, I am going to write everything down in crystal clear leshonos, and will make sure that there is no room for interpretation this time around. I don't think it's fair to include slips - because they can just happen so fast - like when I was picking up some alcohol last night my eyes saw a beautiful cardboard cutout and before I knew it, I took several long and hard relooks at it.

Right now I am resenting the shvua because I kind of want to have some fun tonight, and I'm playing games I guess - I could use some chizuk for inspiring me to not do that.

I'm at a personal record today - 50 days clean. I'm getting bored of this fight, and it's been very tough the past few days. I need some chizuk to not give in tonight.