silentbattle wrote on 30 Jul 2010 03:55:


I can't speak for NOYA, but I know that whether or not I have the ability to turn away, I have never been able to do it. NEVER. Once I set foot on that path, I have never been able to avoid taking it to the end (if not right then, then shortly after). I wish I could, but I just need to avoid the triggers. If not, I've got a few seconds to turn my mind away before it takes over and sends me into robot mode.

I think it depends what mood we're in to begin with. If we're already sort of in the mood anyway, then it's game over. However, if we're not thinking about it, and we're okay emotionally at the moment, then I suppose it's possible.

I've been feeling so terribly lonely these days. Tonight I actually felt in pain. I called a rebbi that I'm very close with and I told him about my feeling lonely, and he made me feel better. After all, you're living without your buddies right now, don't have much to keep busy with aside from studying, etc. I never did get the knack of summertime. I think the worst part about it is being without all my friends from school and from yeshiva. I have to see whether I feel this way in yeshiva also. I definitely remember feeling this way too, even with all my friends around. Is there something wrong with me, or do you have similar experiences?

Baruch Hashem, the weekend is almost over and it's back to a routine tomorrow. I'm going to make Shacharis bli neder! And also, I am proud to announce 10 days clean! I'm going to try to spread out the announcements more this time around...

Things are going well overall. My father, hopefully, went to rehab again over the second days of yomtov. He's a lot worse off than me, and I feel bad for him. At the same time, he's a good model of what people can end up like if they do not successfully recover from addiction, so I guess, thanks Hashem for a graphic message that hits close to home.

My sister called me the other day and told me that my youngest sister wants to relate to me more but gets frustrated. I have the same issue with her (the one who doesn't relate to me apparently). I try to talk with her and she doesn't seem to give me her attention very frequently, and even when she does, she sort of just wraps things up quickly and goes to hang out with her friends. My other sister, in contrast, is focused and very warm and engaging when she talks with me. I feel much closer to that one. Oh well.

In other news, the zman is going well so far this first week back. I am using the Taphsic method, as advertised in one of those Chizuk Emails, and so far it is really fantastic. Ask Guard where to find it if you're interested because I don't remember exactly where it is, but the basic idea is to use shvuas to promise X within 24 hours if you fall. In my case I have a weekly shvua that promises $500 to tzedaka within 24 hours in case of fall. So that pops to my mind whenever I have a hava amina of slipping, and it gets me thinking of other things. I've also been popping on DC's calls every now and then. Just wanted to say hi and wish you all a wonderful day!

Glad to hear from you, NOYA! Happy that things are going well, and I hope they just keep getting better!

Unfortunately, an addict can see other people being destroyed, and still come up with lots of "reasonable" explanations as to why he's different, why it won't happen to him, why he's not that bad.

silentbattle wrote on 08 Oct 2010 05:06:


True dat

Great to hear from you, Noya!

The Taphsic method is discussed here:

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2451

I spoke to my father for an hour yesterday. He didn't go to rehab because he's broke. He declared bankruptcy, or he's about to - I wasn't sure which one was the case but either way that doesn't sound too great. The poor guy is really in an awful matzav. He estranged whatever friends he had in the area because he went a little off the deep end for two weeks, thinking that he was someone he wasn't, he's broke, and he has no schedule or livelihood whatsoever.

I wonder if all these things happened because he's alcoholic or he would have had these problems anyway. He told me he gave up hope for ever recovering. He told me that $340,000 in aggregate was spent on his recovery over his lifetime. My sister said something very dark to me about him that I found it hard to argue against - something along the lines that he'd be better off dead. It's pretty awful to say that, but it really looks bad. I told him that I still have hope for him, but do I really mean it? He's gone through recovery so many times already, and the man is pushing 65.

He really needs a nes, and if you could daven for Yosef ben Chaya I would appreciate it.

Well, at least Monday is over. Mondays are always shlechtige teg ipso facto. Boy must I be tired combining yiddish and Latin. Good night!

The Yetzer Hara is starting to bother me. Last night he put some very inappropriate thoughts in my mind, and I am happy to report that Hashem helped me overcome them. It's the first time I actively got to use the TaPHsic method by remembering my shvua, and remembering that doing this will cost $600, a hit that would hurt quite a lot. That did the trick and he went away.

Hopefully it's that easy every time!

I had a pretty good week, BH. I am really liking the freedom I have from making shvuas. I definitely won't get too ahead of the game here, but I am racking up a significant amount of days so far BH. TGIS though. Haven't heard from pops in a while. Hope he's okay.

Noya,

It's great to hear from you.

I recently came to realization how important one hour(minute) at a time is. Especially when trying to change something we have been living with for years (i.e. Character defects, lust,etc.)  Look at the days to give yourself a pat on the back for your hard work. However, move ahead in the now not in the past or in the future.

Keep on popping in on the calls- it's great to hear your voice.

David.

NOYA wrote on 22 Oct 2010 02:48:


Wow, you're an inspiration to us all!

Oy, a difficult Shabbos. Very very difficult. Thank you david and guard for stopping by! Still in the game but the yetzer hit hard today while I was TIRED. That's one of the things to watch for, along with Hungry, Angry and Lonely. He wouldn't stop injecting thoughts into my head for like an hour and a half and got me all worked up, even though I was trying to think of other things and just go to sleep. So annoying.

I also really missed my old friend today and wanted to send her an email tonight, but my shvua stopped me. The shvua expires tomorrow. Withdrawal sucks. 

Good luck. You do have the strength to grow past this.

to borrow some of SilentBattle's thunder: it is worth thinking and focusing on how we really do not want to act out, do p*** or M**** or whatever, even though it looks tantalizing. we ALWAYS feel bad afterwards and we need more of the "fix" to get us out of the bad feeling and then we feel bad again and the cycle starts again. it is really in our best interests to be clean. we really do not want to do this.

this might not work in the heat of the moment but it is worthwhile to remember during quiet times and to let it trickle down into the heart so that when the challenge comes there is some background music to build on.

Keep on davening