Are we telepathically linked or something? I've been feeling (and consequently, acting) the exact same way. It really has to stop. I've not got much to do or many people to hang around with (although I'm trying), and I've just been crashing and burning the last couple days. I don't have any sage advice, but I wish I did. I guess just be happy that you cared enough to post (which finally got me to post)!! Smile :D

Hey Anon! I'll try to call you tonight. I am somewhat freer this week because I am off for a week from my study schedule (My schedule said to do it and who am I to say no to that?), and therefore I have no excuse not to call you. I don't know about telepathically linked - it's probably because of the summer time unstructredness that we're both going through.

Anyway, I am going to try to stop again. This time I'm more prepared because I have more structure! I asked Hashem to find me a good friend and a night seder chevrusa and I bumped into a very good friend of mine from back home who, wouldn't you know it, also happens to be living in the same neighborhood that I am this summer! AND he agreed to learn with me at nighttime! So I guess we got a two in one there.

That got me excited enough to give this thing a shot again because now I shouldn't feel in pain as much anymore, not by a long shot. Let's do this, Anon!

Noya my friend, I know you can do it.

Day 2. I have to write down my gedarim again or else it's not real enough. I read about the TaPHsic method today on an earlier chizuk email that I hadn't read. It sounds just like what Anon does. I wonder if he made it into a program...

Speaking of Anon, I have to call him today. I couldn't yesterday because my phone died. Today I will IYH! Work is boring today. People aren't giving me stuff to do so I've been spacing out a fair amount. Want to know something interesting? My laptop mysteriously no longer can connect to the network where I'm living so I can't download anything there, which is good I guess. Best deterrent there is.

Doing well so far. Had a good first night seder for the summer with my new chevrusa and hopefully will continue well rest of summer.

Day 2: Great!

Okay, I'm going to type up my gedarim that I promise bli neder to abide by for all to see.

Non gedarim
1. I promise bli neder not to masturbate, even not to orgasm.
2. I promise bli neder to keep my thoughts pure and to divert them if need be to other topics.
3. I promise bli neder to not look at pornography, download it, etc.
4. I promise bli neder to minimize my eye exposure to pritzus on the street.

Gedarim
4. I promise bli neder to not make any google searches with bad intentions in mind.
5. I promise bli neder not to visit:
a. c*********s
b. m***********y
c. o****e
under any circumstances
6. I promise bli neder not to contact N**** M********. If she contacts me, then I can send a courteous reply but that's it.
7. I promise bli neder to not be on any instant messenger program except for Google Mail.

So those are things to keep me out of trouble, but I was just thinking today how much I miss it all already. I feel like there is something missing in my life, and that being a good bochur doesn't give me that thrill I get when I act out. How do I get rid of that craving for more? I tried many times to drown it in learning and davening and friends, but it always comes back...

Well, until it does, I'll just do my best one day at a time. I feel like my main problem is loneliness, and not feeling complete. Maybe I should get married?

Hey NOYA,

Sounds like you are on your way to succeed. You have so much more to give up than I do so it must be so much more difficult. Best of luck! Looking forward to see you climbing the wall...

Unfortunately, I am aware of what two out of those three sites actually are (and it is entirely possible that I know the other one too, but just can't think of it). I'd recommend that in the future you don't post those kinds of clues, because it just makes things harder for some other people (namely me).
"Maybe I should get married?" I think I've ended some posts of mine with that exact sentence. I think it's natural to want to get married at our age in order to fill the natural loneliness which we were designed with (and also possibly because we think it will cure us of our problem). I'm hopeful that with continued effort we will see significant progress, but I think we need to put more focus on enjoying life the way it was meant to be enjoyed, instead of trying to drown out lust with learning and davening and stuff like that. But I'm just rambling, because I don't really have any idea what I'm talking about anyhow. Let's all sit around and drink some beer or something. That might give us all the answers we need. :D

Ahhhh! I love girls so much. I see and hear so much pritzus on a daily basis. It's so hard not to think about it or to want it. I really really want to act out and it's only Day 3. Man this stinks.

I don't think we really love girls. I think we love ourselves, and we love the escape from reality we achieve by fantasizing about girls. But I know that's what you really meant anyway, so I'm just preaching to the choir. It's tough man; I know!

Well said.

Of course, it doesn't really feel right when we say what we really mean, which is something like, "man, I really enjoy checking out women and undressing them with my eyes, and thinking about what women would do to me. I just get peklasure from objectifying other people, and imagining them as beings only fit to serve me!"

No, we don't like to think of ourselves like that - but there's a bit of that in all of us. Maybe, if that creep iside us really bothers us enough, we shouldn't shmooz with him...

Unfortunately, that voice hasn't been allowing me to shmooze with "me" lately. I am completely enslaved, and yet I refuse to feel depressed. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I feel like if I let the pessimistic part of me take over, I could start traveling toward suicide lane, and I don't want to go anywhere near there. The battle does seem pretty hopeless at the moment though

My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. The best thing. I think these feelings you have are vital for you to truly find a true wife. That's a good thing.

And yes, I too want to escape reality. Sometimes I think how it will be in the next world, when we are dead, and we can journey anywhere. I think how I will be able to STAND with my WIFE in the crowd leaving Mitzraim, listening to Moshe and feeling the sand underneath my feet. I think there I can't hide anything, there it will show, that I am trying, that i am holy. And that I am on my way to the promised land.

L'chaim! To life!

Things are actually going well for a change. I'm sticking to my routine, learning about two hours a day, studying another two hours, chilling another two hours, working 9 to 5. I need to get up for Shacharis though. That's the missing ingredient right now in this summer zman. I haven't made it to a weekday shacharis in a looong time. Tomorrow bli neder I will.

Thank you Anon for helping me get K9 started again. I've been protected from porn for almost a week now and having that guard there is so nice. And now that DC calls have started again, things are really looking up!

Before I know it I'll be back in stride, back in yeshiva. I can't wait!

By the way, does anyone know how to block Yahoo Messenger?

I feel more spiritual these days. I am trying to swallow my pride and to admit that I can't do this by myself, and that it's not my fault. Hashem made me and most of you guys here that we go into a frenzy if we're triggered, and we crave lust. There's nothing in our power that can stop us from doing anything about it. I bet that sharks are the same way when they smell blood. They know what they're doing is wrong (bear with me here), but when they smell that blood, everything goes haywire and they can't help themselves.

That's why we need to get away from all triggers. They really do affect us in uncontrollable ways and it's just a fact of life. You have to move on and accept this limitation that you can't allow yourself to enjoy any lustful pleasure. No checking out the billboards or hot women on the street. No imagining any lustful situations or scenarios. All of this is bound to get us in bloodlust like the shark.

But again, it's not our fault. We have an allergy to lust and with Hashem's help, we will be able to live normal lives. Simple, but not easy...

Very frightening, but very true...almost, I think. I believe that even when we're triggered, we still have the ability to turn away. To realize that we're being triggered, and not buy in to it.

Do you agree?