Ha! So much for not missing the call again. Again, something came up that I forgot I had to do, but seriously THAT was the last time hopefully. I have to be more alert from temptation coming from any source, even GYE itself. I was about to PM someone asking what exactly happened to him, but it would have been only for triggering me, so I didn't ask. One needs to always double check his perceptions and motives to ensure they are clean.

Today I put in a hard day's work the whole day through, and I feel good about that. I still have more learning to do, so I'll get to it.

Day 21: Solid, so far so good.

P.S. Did you guys see that poor kid's story in the email today? What a heartbreak. Especially the fact that there's a whole shul network of porn swapping happening. Terrible.

A martial artist once told me, "I could go around the world killing not-nice people, and when i got back home, there'd be more of them than when I started."

If we want to make the world better, the only thing we can do is improve ourselves. And good news - that's what we're here for!

When NASA sends a rocket into space they have no way of launching it exactly on the right path, accounting for every last variable or noise component out there. Instead they use something called time series to optimize the number of gas blasts necessary in order to keep the vessel on course. The main idea is to use little bursts of energy to maintain a good flight path, rather than to allow the ship to veer far afield, and be forced to use a large amount of fuel later on to correct the flight path subsequently.

I'm trying my best to apply this principle to my life too. I am trying to be aware of problems as they happen, to see the underlying motivation behind every suspicious move I make, and correct it immediately, so as to not let it develop. Today I feel like I had a lot of little flight deviations, but overall I did well. I failed in looking at a certain attractive woman here, but I was presented with two subsequent opportunites to check her out shortly afterward, and succeeded in looking away, so two for three I guess.

Anyway, that mashal I presented I find to be very useful and it's been helping me a lot so far in this particular campaign. Just gotta be aware.

Anyway, holy chevra, have a wonderful Shabbos! I'll probably be out until Sunday, but good luck to you all!

Day 22: Pretty good.

You know, you're not really responsible for that first look when she just walks by you unexpectedly. As long as you subsequently gain some control over your eyes and keep them where they should be, you've won. You can't be expected to be an angel, and you can't be expected to not see a woman (or a man for that matter ) when she walks in front of you, but you can be expected to behave after that. Don't be too hard on yourself!!

NOYA!
I am doing well, thank you for asking! I appreciate your support, its good to know you got my back. Hope all is well with you. You are one good mench You have started on a journey (the battle with the y'h), and it will only lead you in great directions with the help of Hashem! You are doing great! Keep me updated!

Absolutely, that's a major part of our battle. The further down Lust Rd. we go, the more difficult it is to turn around.

Disaster of disasters. I feel so raunchy. Fell on Friday, fell last night, falling all over the place. Worst fall in recent memory. K9 has to do a better job.

Chaverim, help.

first of all DO NOT GET UPSET, SAD OR PUT OFF!!!!!!!!!

you must imagine your yeshar hara standing over you with a cup of poisin telling you to drink it , whenever you get upset your taking more sips and weaking yourself further leading to another fall, so be happpy, your a yid and HBH has given you your lifes situation and challenegs because HE KNOWS you canmaccomplish it, he never asks you to do anything that is impossible...so dont get dishearted, i find, when i fall after a brilliant run (seven days for me like 40 for you BH!) I GO INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL, THAT WONT HAPPEN AND YOU WILL IMMEDIATLY PICK UP IF YOU KNOW MAKE THE DECISIVE STEP TO DO SO, SO STOP, THINK, DO TESUVA, READ TIKKUN HAKLALI, GPO TO MIKVA, GIVE SOME KAPORA TO TZEDAKA OFR whatever you do and start anew.......frooooooooommmmmmm....NOW!
lets restart, dayone, build together and with inspiration and strength, HBH WILL help us through.

your in yueshiva so you will appreciate this nice (or not so nice) idea i heard about shmira habris is that the gedolei yisroel spend half their day learning, and the other devoted to helping klal yisroel i the ways which they do, THEY DEDICATE THEIE LIVES TO YOU !!!!! even when they learn it is for you... however when yours pogom your bris, they feel, and get actual pain!! - pherhaps another reason for the badness (if thats a word) of m@??$"?()n.
anyway pick up and keep on fighting!
by the way my names jamie, i was able to reALLY RELATE TO YOU AS IM GOING TO YESHIVA NEXT YEAR so youve shown me how it really is necessary to stop!!!!! you must also know that being able to relate to you will sure to keep me strong, so be warned... i will be 'forum stalking' you for more of the amazing chizul you continue to give me... keep on inspiring!

hi noya.

how are you feeling?
sorry to hear you fell.

there are 3 basic (constant) questions a person needs to ask themself...

1. where am I? (This one is easy... in the deep dark, lonely midst of mental muck)
2. how did I get here? (it was not k9 that brought you here...am I right? or wrong? If I am wrong I want you to tell me. Something triggered you and put you into pain mode... and you felt a need to run away to someplace safe and comforting...try to think..HOW DID YOU GET HERE...)
3. Where do you want to go from here? Now is the chance to look at your road-map and see if you are on course, or need another set of directions.

you can choose to remain isolated and lonely if you want - or choose to reach out to others...GYE...DC's call.

Look for the road sign that points toward D'VAKAS....as follow that one... Seems to be a pretty good path...you'll enjoy the scenary too.


whne you are ready..pick yourself up dust your self off, and start climbing once again.

you are not alone.

we are with you.
you can do it!


dov i.i

Look, NOYA, I'll give you back your outer space/NASA analogy: When the Evil Forces in the outer space science fiction movies pull out their baddest (yeah, it's a word, if you live on the street) weapons, it's always because the target is someone who means a lot to them. The one who can save the universe if he stays on the "good" side. The one who can bring thousands of years of darkness, if only he'd come over to the dark side. The one who is powerful. The one who's worth wasting the ammunition on.

Guess what? That's you.

And guess what else?  The target of those battles typically doesn't like being thought of as a superhero. Would rather avoid the test. Would rather not even have to build the skills to fight the battle. Would rather just go home to Kansas.

But he can't. Because the battle is singularly-- his.

And one final thing. Good always triumphs over evil. In the movies, and in real life. Because ultimately the Y'H is merely the servant of HKB'H. Who has set it up so that the Yetser will fail. And then fall. And then in moshiachzeit, retire forever. Having proven guys like you a worthy adversary and an eved Hashem.

In the meantime, though, I bet it stinks. My sympathies. But don't confuse my sympathy with joining you in your current sadness. Because it's not sadness I feel -- it's just impatience until this lost battle becomes a final victory.

When you're going through hell, keep going.

hey NOYA,
just look at your post. you ended by saying "chaverim, help". whether or not you realize it, you're surrounded by people who want to see you succeed. just look at the chizuk you've gotten (and given)! Hopefully you'll be able to pick yourself up as soon as possible. And just remember, the longer you fight, the prouder Hashem is, and the closer you get to 90 days and freedom!

Okay, you guys win. You're all right. It's time to take action again and try try again. Finals are over, I'm taking it easy for a few days with my family, but I'm going to try to have a good time without pornography or masturbation. Jamie, thank you so much for the words of chizuk. Sometimes it really all does seem pointless you know. I try so hard, then wham, right in the kisser.

I sort of fell off DC's cruise liner also. I think the reason I fell off is that I just don't think my resentments really are the cause of this disease. After all, my resentments aren't really strong. They're certainly not active. I don't have a grudge against anyone. No one is living rent free in my head. It's just me. I need to be happier and to learn how to live life better.

When all you guys wrote to me, it really touched me. I just couldn't bring myself to respond until now - I also got very busy shortly after with finals season, but whatever. Thank you, Briut. Thanks DovinIsrael.

I get down sometimes for no reason at all. Phoo. Thank you shlomo as well. OK dokey. Let's have a good Day 1 tomorrow and try to be happy and just be at peace. You're on vacation for a few days, so enjoy it!

Good to have you back!

I feel very ambivalent right now. I had my first sort of clean day today in a while, but it wasn't really that clean. It was my first day working this summer at my new job, and I saw a lot of pritzus everywhere and didn't make much effort to guard my eyes. And I feel really bad right now because I was taken out to eat by coworkers, and I ended up eating at a place that I had a bad feeling about hashgacha due to various factors, but they had a chashuv sounding hashgacha so I rationalized that it was probably okay.

I found out now that it's definitely not a lechatchila place at all, and I feel bad for eating there. Just what I need. More desensitizing in my body. Well, I at least had a really great time at work and am working with cool people.

Day 1: ?

Noya, ol' buddy! Sorry i've been out of touch with you for a while.

Remember, the past is gone, the future is not here yet, all we have is THIS day, THIS hour, THIS minute. Just concentrate on making each moment right. When you face a choice, think "what does Hashem expect of me at this crossroads?" Then try your best to follow what that inner voice answers you.

Try to keep up with our Step 5 practice, being AWARE of your perceptions and motives, the reasons WHY you are feeling the way you are, where your resentments and fears are coming from, and the new "glasses"/way of looking at things method to get us out of our selfish, self-focussed mode of being.

And please feel free to call me anytime. If i can't answer, leave a message, and i'll get back as soon as possible.

Kol Tuv.