Yeah, I'm not quite ready for that step just yet. The truth is I've done this before, just drifted away from her, and she understood implicitly that I didn't want to talk so she didn't bother me. It's gonna take a little while longer for her to get that hint, but I don't want to be mean and tell her straight away "I never wanna talk with you again," and it's not just a matter of being mean. It's also a matter that it's harder for me to do that. I think that I'lll have more success ultimately taking the drift away approach then by the severance approach. I've tried severance before. It didn't work too well.

So we're building towards drifting, she hasn't spoken to me still. She gets the hint.

Anyway, today was really hard. I was on my game all day, but honestly I need this semester to end. I'm getting end-of-the-semester frustration, where I'm at the point where I just want to wrap thigns up, take the finals and be done with whatever classes I'm in now. I want to move on to the summer. But I should be grateful of where I am now and live it to the fullest, despite being sick of it a bit. My father told me that three words that really helped him in recovery were "Be here now." I have to inculcate that concept into me. I notice often I'm always thinking of what's happening next, the next big event, the next vacation, the end of the vacation, the end of the zman, the beginning of a zman, etc. I need to live in the present more. That looking in the future is just another kind of escape.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to going to sleep tonight, and getting up for another great day of Torah and learning and being with good chaverim here.

Day 7: Solid day. No slips and no falls BH. None wanted or needed (I miss you sci).

7 days is pretty cool. Why can't I do it? I don't know what's wrong with me

Nothing's wrong with you, Ano - and you CAN do it, you know that...I know, you know that, but even what you said, effects the way you see things. keep reminding yourself that you CAN do it.

NOYA - again, I can only speak for myself, although it would seem to apply to you, as well. Just drifting away helps, but it leaves the door more open for the future. I know that in the past, there were times when i said good-bye, but there was a lack of finality. And I knew it. And so I fell again. And again. When I said good-bye, and made it clear that I was moving on, and didn't even respond to emails (even non-suggestive ones), I was making a statement about where i was at - not just to her (them), but to myself.

And yeah, it felt rotten, on all sorts of levels - firstly, what I was doing to her, and also, the fact that for me, I wanted to participate, even in a distant way. Even if it would just be a "sorry I can't help you, and I hope your father gets better from the debilitating sickness that you're moving back home for."

But I knew that to do so would be to engage in unhealthy behavior, and on some level, to be pulled back into all the things i want to live without.

NOYA, you are doing wonderfully! Keep up the amazing attitude you have! Hashem is on your side, he's here only for you. As the Sages says "The world was created for you!" Hashem is always looking out after you, through horrible times and wonderful times, no matter what. Shabbat Shalom

By the way, What does your screen name, NOYA, mean? Just wondering.

My dear Ano, like Silentbattle said, you totally can do this too, and one thing that's holding you back is the attitude. You gotta have a positive attitude my friend. And you also need to get into a good routine again. That's what you really need. And we really have to chill together more. I don't see you around lately. Where you hiding? I want you to come with me and hang out with me next out Shabbos and a lot before then too. Deal?

Anyway, silentbattle, you're right maikar hadin. But I did say that I tried severing and it didn't work last time. I have gedarim that prevent me from initiating any contact with her and I think that that's a good geder for now. Maybe after a long while I'll have the koiach to sever completely, but I don't feel like I would respond well to that. I respect your strength and courage and accomplishment, but for now, it ain't the best idea for me. I'm doing well, with Hashem's help, working the steps, being aware of things happening, aware of my actions and motivations, and I think things are pure over here.

Struggla, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I am so impressed by how far you've come - way farther than I ever got so far, and I hope to join you on that Wall of Honor 63 days after you make it or so. I know you're going to make it all the way, dude. Keep it up! My screen name has some connection to various names I go by, and incidentally, I realized after its creation, that it translates to "Beauty of G-d." So I guess it subconsciously reminds me to do beautiful things for G-d, that G-d thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, etc. Darshin away as you want.

Today was hard again. I really need Shabbos and just to chill out. I'm still stressed and anxious with the end of semester. I got some tests coming up, etc. Also, I got some RID today when my sister called me on the phone. At first I was pleased that I was getting a call from her because she never calls me for anything, and then it turns out she was just asking me what this K9 business was on the home laptop. She needed to use the laptop because her Mac was incompatible with something apparently, and she sounded annoyed and resentful. Anyway, after the call I just felt down because I feel that I try hard to have a relationship with her - I call her every Friday to wish her a good Shabbos, and when I'm home I try to hang out with her, but she never calls me, and she rarely considers it high priority to make time for us to hang out when I am home. *Sigh.

But, Baruch Hashem, I have better relationships with my other sister and parents so I don't feel unloved from all sides. But one bad feeling can spoil one's day if left unchecked. I'm gonna go hang out with some friends now and do some well deserved chilling. Noya out.

Day 8: Good day overall.

Don't get down, you are doing great!!!  Ahh, beautiful Shabbos will come and we will all be free!!!

Whatever works for you, my friend.

Glad to hear that you're staying positive, despite some frustrating stuff.

Have a great shabbos!

Wow, so tired. I'm running a serious sleep deficit and need to catch up. I had a nice time last night doing some good chilling. It's good to be with friends and have MAN FOOD. GRRRR.

Shabbos Koidesh is coming! I'm very happy about that. I'm also very happy about getting this gross beard and hair off.

Good Shabbos everyone!

Day 9: Doing well so far.

Awesome - keep on rocking!

I was at a friend's house for Shabbos and had a very nice, very relaxing Shabbos. I feel like I was really on the ball in terms of shmiras ainayim. There were lots of nisyonos on the street, on the this, on the that, over here, over there, but I didn't take no second looks. I'm trying to imagine them as real people just like you and me. On the chizuk email recently there was talk about this concept, of women being real people. And taka! I think it's true, by golly! Just because they're packaged in pretty wrappings doesn't mean they're inhuman and don't have feelings. They're normal people who have more to them than a pretty face and body. They have lives, and it's wrong to objectify them as your personal fantasy target of the day.

It certainly is much easier said than done, however, and I certainly am not immune to the fact that lemaisa I was exposed to a fair amount of pritzus, so it hasn't been super easy to keep my mind focused on good things. But I am trying to LIVE, and be involved with good things, and with friends, and with good people, and always to be monitoring if my actions are intended for pure reasons. I was just on youtube to watch a video that someone emailed me, and one of the related videos was apparently some sort of comedic song sung by women. So, yay, funny song here we come. But wait, it's women singing it, and you can't listen to that anyway. Besides you just want to look at them, don't you? Yeah, I guess so...

So I didn't watch it. And I don't even feel like I missed out on anything. Keep me strong, G-d!

Day 10: Solid Shabbos.

Noya -

you da'man!

keep on growing strong!

do in israel

Still doing well. Just signing on to let you guys know things are good.

Day 14: Going well so far!

Hi Noya! Good to be back here in the land of the LIVING!!

Glad to hear it!

hey NOYA. i'm not sure if i've posted in your thread before, but just wanted to stop by 'n' say keep up the good work! i really enjoy reading through your thread and it really inspires me to be completely honest and open in my effort to overcome this struggle, just as you are. all sappy-ness aside, keep on truckin!