Hey SB, I just read your caring post. I really appreciate your efforts to keep me up and happy. As it turns out I was under a lot of stress over yontef, and at least the first seder did not have a very nice time because I had to work until midnight, and then eat a seder with some guys I don't really like too much.I also couldn't even daven maariv with a minyan because I had to work. That really stinks, and for sure I won't do this job again.  But the second night I did things right. I found a family to eat with and they made me feel welcome and loved. Mamash kol dichfin it felt like. And even though I had to work in the middle of things, at least that set the tone right.

Whatever davening I did manage to get done was really very meaningful. I davened well, they sing really nicely here by the davening and it helped me get into it a lot. I also spoke to a therapist here who I had confided in last year about my issues dealing with mast and porn, and he made me feel better too. I understand why people go to therapy. If the therapist is good, you just feel so peaceful talking to them and unloading onto them. Anyway, I worked up the resolve to give this 90 day effort another shot. Maybe I'll even get to get on Duvid Chaim's call tomorrow, who knows? And even though there are many beautiful girls here and not much time to learn and not too much structure, I'm going to give it my best shot. I'm counting with the omer, trying to go up in kedusha each day. I see things getting better over the rest of yontef IYH.

I'm putting on a happy face and am ready to start giving again. Too much time moping around feeling sorry for myself. Let's do this, chevra! Baderech sheadom rotzeh lailech, hamakom mesayin oso!

YEAH!

Glad to hear your positive attitude!

Being able to open up is an important part of therapy - another aspect is a good therapist being able to show you things about yourself that you didn't notice, or didn't focus on. That certainly helped me!

Hope things just keep getting better for you!

Well maybe they could have been getting better but I ruined everything again. I feel so stupid right now. People tell me that I have been looking mopey. I do. I feel depressed. Acting out doesn't make you feel better at all. It just intensifies the depression. Uch. Feh. I need a track if I'm going to hit this thing running - not a swamp in Florida.

Work hard and dont give up NOYA!! Just like a ninja! Hashem put you in the position that you are in right now for a reason. He wants to learn something from it, he wants you to see and experience something from where you are right now - both spiritually and physically and emotionally. You have experienced the good and the bad of life, now its time for you to use those experiences to better your understanding that Hashem loves you and he aint leaving your side. He's always next to you, helping you through the struggle.

"Rise and neva fall, cause YOU've been through it all..."

You know better than i do that you're capable of running no matter what the terrain is like. Sure, it's easier to run on a track, but easy isn't what it's about. Just focus on the breathing and the running, moving forward, one step at a time.

And by the way - the yetzer hora's the one that makes you focus on how bad you feel after a fall. You need to remember it before a fall, and remind yourself that being strong and not falling makes you feel good!

And above all, remember that you're still holy, and there's still plenty of time left to grab freedom on this yom tov!

feeling like your in the swamp is what the YH wants more than anything. DON'T DO IT!

Okay, the yomtov is finally over. I'm not even going to think back to it - Duvid Chaim says that we have to look forward and that's what I'm going to try to do. I am feeling all right now - thank you so much everybody for your chizuk - I really appreciate it. I'm being picked up by my grandparents soon, then I'll be spending the night with a friend. Then I go home tomorrow night. I really want to be clean now, and not lose my sobriety again so that I can get back into the zman on Monday feeling fresh and ready to go. I love you guys so much and thank you again!

NOYA NOYA,
HE'S OUR MAN,
IF HE DON'T DO IT,
WE'LL KICK HIS CAN!!

Ok, buddy, now THAT"S what i call INCENTIVE!!

Love u 2.

have a GREAT SHABBOS!!!

Thank you Steve. I almost got busted by my sister using my laptop. She was typing on google and somehow some illicit searches came up on the screen - searches I had made a week ago or so. If she hadn't been looking at her fingers typing I would have been busted. Dang. But thank you Hashem for not letting me get busted. Anyway, that stuff is now deleted and we're back in business hopefully. I kind of want to look at porn right now, but I have to equate it with unhappiness and depression because that's really what that stuff is.

Day 5: Difficult trek ahead.

NOYA wrote on 11 Apr 2010 05:40:


Well said - you're seeing things clearly!

Finally going back to yeshiva. At this juncture in my life it appears that I can't really control myself consistently unless I'm in a yeshiva environment. Without structured learning and a good seviva of fine bochurim I fell so much over the vacation. But there I am again with control. I can't control myself at all. Hashem is the only one who can control.

I have to remember that pornography and masturbation directly result in depression, frustration, angst, and worst of all, a general apathy of life. You feel empty inside, unwilling and uninterested in the beautiful world around you. You're not interested in people - the only thing that holds any sway with an addict is the object of his addiction. The world looks grey. Your energy is enervated, sometimes obliterated. And it just gets worse and worse. There's nothing that you want to do but lust in that moment and it just drives you deeper and deeper into this awful state. Why the hell would I want to participate in an act like this? Sure it's fun for a few seconds, but it really does get old very quickly, and it comes along with all those aforementioned quite deleterious side effects.

But this knowledge still doesn't stop me from acting out. Help me, brothers. Help me, Hashem.

Day 1: Going well so far.

"depression, frustration, angst, and worst of all, a general apathy of life" is what BROUGHT you to pornography and masturbation directly to begin with, when you fell. Then AFTER the fall, you go thru the cycle again, starting with the self-hate for acting out.

Noya - BREAK THE CYCLE!!! Don't allow yourself to be consumed by self-hate.

Stay with the DC calls, even if it gets tough bcuz of yeshiva schedule and the active Steps. It'll WORK as long as you WORK IT!! And as DC says, YOU"RE WORTH IT!!

hang in there, my holy bro, and we'll all get there together. if you missed today's Call, check out my Journal for the ending.

Thank you so much, Steve! I really appreciate your concern. I feel so much better now that I'm back in yeshiva, with the structure, with my friends, with alle gitte zachen. I feel grrrrreaat and back in my zone again. I just have to LIVE a LIFE, and not give the yetzer a pesach. I'll try my best to hop on the call tomorrow. I have to put the changed phone number in my Friends and Family though. Anyhoo, hopefully will be there tomorrow. Have a wonderful night!

By the way, who else is being hit to kingdom come with allergies?

~ NOYA

Day 2: Very good!

I have been hit to Kingdom come!

Chazak Amenu, we'll give each other chizuk to get trough this terrible season of runny noses and teary eyes. I noticed I had exactly 4,000 views on this thread, and I'm the 4001st. I think that's pretty neat - just sharing. Today was another great day - first day of shiur and it was TOUGH. It should keep me busy for a long time. No time for a hava amina of aveira. Okay, see you later. And Steve, missed YOU on the call today !

Day 3: Excellent!