Alternate perspective:

Day 44: I felt like crap but did my best and did not give in. Amazing!

NOYA - glad to hear that you didn't give in.

But you pointed out something important - that you keep trying to find ways to act out without actually crossing any lines. And you already know that's a bad habit, especially since some of the things you're doing sound like they might already be crossing lines, and certainly opening doors to plenty more dangers. Focus on growing. When you're feeling restless, get away from the computer.

Also, this might not be my place to say...but it doesn't sound like you have a very fair attitude toward this girl. You pop into her life, talk to her for a little while, get her hopes up, then leave...then put her down when she sends you emotional poetry? She's expressing how she feels, and you're hurting her.

I'm not blaming you for saying good-bye. You needed to do that. And I understand that it's never fun for us to realize how we're hurt the people we were involved with. But that's part of being honest with yourself. Sorry. Own your mistakes, and grow for that realization.

It sounds like overall, you're having a lot of negative feelings, towards yourself, and others - that's a bad road, my friend. Please take the next exit (which is RIGHT NOW) and get on a better highway...the road that leads toward becoming the real you!

Thank you Anon and SB. I must admit, Mr. SB, that you royally pissed me off when I read your post. I was fuming about it for a few minutes, couldn't concentrate for a little while in shiur, got a grip, and now am ready to respond. I know you're hitting something because I wouldn't be so upset otherwise. People get upset when you point out flaws and it's on the mark.

I was hurt with the implication that I am crossing lines, probably because I did cross the line. I don't want to restart my count. Maybe I should. I didn't masturbate or look at porn or go to a real erotica site, but I did see a few disgusting posts on some website that I should not have read. It could be that that's a fall. Reb Guard would have to paskin. Maybe he could stop by and decide. Sigh.

What really hurt was how you described me in my treatment of my old girlfriend. You're right. I'm a selfish douchebag with little regard for her feelings. It happens to be that the poetry thing is not exactly emotional, and it was actually a little joke I had with her about it in the way I dismissed it, but in general you're right. So now I feel crappy again because I'm a lowly jerk who is selfish and has no respect for this girl.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I need some sunshine in my life. What I should do, my instincts are telling me, is to make an effort to just "get into the day." Daven mincha well, get into classes, learning, etc. I do really feel bad about this girl though.

Sorry I got you upset - but I'm really impressed with your approach to it! hug?

I don't think what you did was a fall, from what you're describing - but I think that the behavior was behavior that you need to face, and change.

Look - don't feel bad. I'm trying to call attention to an unhealthy attitude, which is obviously easy for me to see. But you did what you had to. You don't have to worry about her, and she's not your problem. And you can dismiss her. But I think that when you start to be insulting, even as a joke, that's not coming from a good place. Just my opinion, coming from a guy who's been in WAY too many unhealthy, selfish relationships.

You deserve sunshine in your life. Open yourself up to it! You're a good person, and you've got a ton of good in your life!

Ah, geshmack. I'm back at long last after a tortuous day and a half of feeling upset at everybody and everything, but most especially at myself. I managed to get a grip and have a good day after my vitriolic tirades found their way onto my wall, and after I received some encouraging words from some very dear friends. Reb Guard paskined that it was not a fall, but if I ever go onto those bad websites again, it will be a fall. So I know which websites those include and do not want to give the oilam any bad ideas by elaborating on what those websites are. Interestingly enough, I just saw a friend on one of those websites and he was using it to battle an atheist in an intellectual argument. What a kadosh guy.

Anyway, so that door is firmly closed, and good riddance! Duvid Chaim also sent me a very nice email that made me feel all rosy. I wrote to the girl, apologizing to her for treating her the way I did, and she sent me back the nicest letter. Here it is in full:

"thanks. no problem. i knew it was a fleeting moment of weakness on your part, that's why I didn't persist with the messages. it was obvious when you didn't respond, it let me know you didn't want to "get involved" and I wasn't going to be an accessory. It was not an unnatural occurance and i understand. I respected you immensely for not "carrying through" on your momentary weakness. This shows tremendous strength. Its like you caught yourself and stopped immediately. Kol HaKovod [NOYA]! The emes is, is that all this wouldn't even be an issue if it weren't for frumkeit. By the velt, its all quite normal, and even much more blatant. What your're trying to do, is trying to curb a very normal and natural desire, only because your taught that this is the right thing to do. No one said it is easy under any circumstance, especially for someone from your background. Could be that someone who grew up more sheltered wouldn't have these fights nor their severity. Some may and some may not. You've had alot of worldly exposure, for better or for worse. It is what it is. Keep up the good work though and yes your doing very good things also. These things take time. Remember its Adar, marbe BeSimcha! Dwell on the positives of life and your personality,  not on your "laundry list" of things to feel bad about. Remember, Simcha Peretz Geder!
Take care and good luck [NOYA]. All the best. [Girl]"

What a special girl, no? Too bad she's not the one for me due to the fact that she's Chabad. Anyway, I'm in a good mood because everything is square, nobody's mad at me, I'm not mad at anybody, and I had a very good day today, and I even got into the sugya a lot today, Baruch Hashem.

And come here, SB. I'm gonna give you a hug you ain't gonna forget in a long long time. SQUUUUEEEEEZZZE!!!! Friends, again, don't worry!

Day 45: Started out badly, ended really well. Thank you, Hashem!

Today was a good day. I think that the phone group was very very good today even though Duvid Chaim didn't show. We had Steve and Dov on the call - two powerhouses of kedusha, and they said something really nice, something that really hit home. They said that lust doesn't manifest itself only in acting out sexually, but it also manifests in a whole attitude of life, and especially when it comes to procrastinating and being an ineffective person. Definitely true.

Well, today was pretty good and effective. I'm pretty tired right now though. Yawn. Have a good night!

Day 46: Very good!

4+6=10.

On your Day 46, you became a 10!

Thanx, Noya, for being on the DC ship, and I really look forward to learning more and more FROM YOU! We are all in this together, and I am so thankful for all the inspiration and advice I've gotten from you over time.

And now I see I've gone over time. See ya later...

Huge hug right back, bro. Lots 'o love!

I assume you've spoken to your rabbeim about the fact that she's chabad, and they've agreed that it's a problem for you?

Glad to hear that you're moving forward with life - you have a huge amount of potential, and you're already using plenty - the world is lucky to have you!

Hiya Steve and SB! Good hearing from you guys. SB, the girl and I have had many many talks about future possibilities but the conclusion is that it won't work because she's hard core Chabad and wants to do shlichus and all that jazz, which is not the lifestyle I want. So that's why it won't work out. Anyhoo, today was pretty good too although I wasn't in the mood for night seder at all so I didn't learn anything. I had a really hard day of college, so that's probably why I'm so stressed out. Also it's midterms week next week.

But we're doing great with Hashem's help!

Day 47: Success!

Tomorrow IYH I'll break my all time high record!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

Gotcha.

We all have days that aren't perfect - yes, even you! But you're looking forward, and sounding great!

Oh man, Anon. I went to "check out the sushi situation." We all know why I did that. Man! But at least I didn't take a million double takes like I did last time. I just saw her as I came in and as I left.

Sorry, inside joke, everyone else. Anyway, so one issue of reiyah today that wasn't so bad, but I'm going home for Shabbos. I'm not going to get all pumped up about defeating the yetzer hara on the home front because that just pumps up the yetzer hara. What I need to do is get K9 on the home laptops I have access to. I think what I should do first thing I come home tonight is filter up the laptop. Does anyone know who to contact to arrange the K9 setup remotely?

And, by the way, I am pretty sure that I have surpassed my personal best! It'll be official tonight at midnight. Yay!

Day 48: Going well. Wish me luck on the subways and buses of the outside world.

Hatzlacha, bro!

Keep on rocking!

Hey everyone! I'm updating from home. I am waiting anxiously for the filter gabay to get back to me with new licenses because I do not feel safe until this laptop is secure. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit because I had to wake up early (out of town doesn't have much versatility with minyan times). I feel a bit of a taivah to look at porn - I think it's the association with home and the laptop. But I ain't sticking around on the computer for very long. Have a good Shabbos everybody and mazel tov to me for breaking my all time best record officially!


UPDATE: I just installed K9 on all computers at home that I have access to. I feel so good about that I could dance! Have a great Shabbos Rabosai!

GOOD SHABBOS NOYA!!

MAZAL TOV on breaking your record!!

KOT!! KOS!!!!

All the best,

Pickle-man.