Thanks for all the encouragement chevra. I took one last step in the wrong direction last night because I couldn't fall asleep thanks to my amazing Shabbos nap, so the mind was wandering and the hands started wandering a little too, and BH I didn't get to the point of fall, but I definitely wasn't in the right makom for a while. Most likely as a result of the activity last night, I had something weird happen to me today, that has happened before many years ago. What happened is I was urinating like usual, and then some semen came out at the end. Anyone ever have that happen to them?

It wasn't a lot, but I did feel a certain amount of relief when it happened. I don't think this is a fall. Guard, what's the psak? In other news I was mechazek myself a lot today during and before Shacharis, going over all the reasons to be sober, and reviewing my gedarim to make sure that last night doesn't happen again, etc. I still feel on track. I feel strong right now, and I feel like I am in control with Hashem's help.

I'll post again later hopefully. I'm gonna be level 4 soon, at least if Guard says that wasn't a fall, which I don't think was! Woohoo!

Definitely NOT a fall 

Awesome. Thanks, Guard. I also just discovered a really cool feature on this forum. I can click and see everyone who is online and see exactly what they're doing! I feel like I have the Marauder's Map. Very interesting. All right, catch you all later.

Better late than never!   :D :D

happy to see your learning from your slips. this to me is from the most important aspects of recovery. When we do lose some control what made it happen?? What are we gonna do now to make sure it doesnt happen again?

hatzlacha!

I'm tired right now. I miss the taivah and the pretty smiling women. I'm hitting the level 4 doldrums, and it's hard to keep the enthusiasm level high. I think I need to make this whole thing less of an official deal for a while until I get to some more exciting numbers. I think when I get to 60 days clean things will really start picking up because, whoa, 60! But 30 days is so been there done that. But hey, if you want to get to the big numbers you gotta go through the small numbers. I'm tired and want some action.

Day 30: Pretty good, but trouble's ahead.

30 days is great! You always need a pick-me-up around there though. Maybe we can talk tomorrow and it'll help you feel better :D

It's not a brand-new feeling anymore - but today, you can stay clean, and feel great about that!

Stop and ask yourself (I should do this every morning, I guess) - what will make me happier today - staying clean, or giving in?

Okay, I had a reality check today. I've been futzing around here and there with little pricks of taivah that aren't full blown falls, aren't really slips so much either that much, but inappropriate nonetheless. Like typing in something on google search and seeing how google fills out the search, hoping to see inappropriate things, or seeing a website that discusses an intimate issue in a scientific way, or all this BS that has to stop pronto because it's all longing for the YH, and being unwilling to give up the lust.

From now on, I declare upon myself bli neder that I will not sit in front of a computer without an EXACT PLAN of what I intend to do on that computer, and not deviate from that plan ONE IOTA. If I'm checking my email, that means checking my email and not clicking on any ads or links. That means not running any random searches that come to mind. That means NOTHING. At best this stuff is a waste of time, and at worst it is feeding the yetzer in at least some small way.

I've been feeling like I want taivah so much and I miss all the nice little things and I miss talking to the girl I used to talk to and all that. But today I woke up remembering that I shouldn't even have these longings if I am putting in 100 % in my life the way it is supposed to be lived. And I asked myself if I was accomplishing in the way I hoped to be accomplishing. Am I putting in everything I have into my learning and davening? Am I working on my midos? Am I talking with Hashem every day or am I just mumbling some words while happening to have some black boxes on my head and arm?

And today, even though in the morning I had a little stupid slip related to the aforementioned problem, the day overall was a day of real effort, the way I started out this zman. And I had a wonderful day in seder, shiur, night seder and classes. And, as I hoped, nothing was missing anymore after I did that. So NOYA is ready to cut out the BS and get back to living, because I don't want to live only half way and be bothered by my yetzer hara in this pesky way, or at all.

I think it's appropriate that I am leveling up tonight. It's like a new epoch in my campaign. Okay everyone. Later!

Day 31: Very solid overall with only one slip.

love that post noya,  I love the honesty you are using.
KUTGW!

NOYA!!!! Have ive ever told you that you rock the friggin house??  :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\

Wow!!! Taking the next step!! That is great. Keep up the awesome work. With such brutal honesty you will IYH get far!!!

I had a pretty good day so far. I did very very well on my meeting today with an employer. I think I really impressed them hopefully without being too gaivahdig. I was exposed to one pritzusdig ad on the subway advertising hangover vitamins, two big pritzusdig wall advertisments that I looked away from fast enough but looked good in that second, and I saw the cover of the new Sports Illustrated Aveira Edition which looked amazing. Oh my G-d, how beautiful can girls get? I looked away fast enough when it caught my eye but the image is still burning in my mind. But now I'm back in safety zone. I really want to get my hands on that magazine but I guess I just have to move on today with other things and get into learning. Sigh...

Man, this is tough!

Day 32: I'm trying!

NOYA wrote on 23 Feb 2010 20:34:
Thanks man i appreciate the shout-out!!!

But seriously, WE NEED TO TAKE THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! Forget your on day 32 for now. Just today. Not tomorrow and not yesterday. And when we take it one day at a time, it becomes so much smoother, because we ahve done this before!!!

hatzlacha and hopin and wishin you all the best!!!

NOYA - glad to hear that you're doing well, despite the tests - remember that the tests are part of life. If you didn't have any tests, you could relax, because you'd know that you were dead! ;D

You rock - keep it up!

Great news buddy.  KUTGW!! 

NOYA please let us know how your doing?? Im going to sleep now but i wanna read about it tomorrow!!

Hope your doing good!!!