KUTGW!!  Great post!

IT - can you give us a link to that post? I like to read your senseless rambling!

NOYA - fantastic, man!

Hey IT and SB and Sci, and anyone else who happens to read this, hope you're all doing well today. I am in  class right now, and am bothered by something, which I would like to share, whilst simultaneously attempting to follow along with the class as well. I hope I pull that off. Who knew class could be so complicated? My G-d, what's going on right now? I guess I should be paying more attention. Anyway, I just practiced something, and realized I missed something I wanted to participate in. I actually walked right by the lady who apparently gave the presentation (she was standing by my classroom) and I realized that I have zero self control whatsoever when it comes to looking at women when I'm caught off guard.

I think I took about five second looks altogether (with reasons each time, like I have to get a book, I have to go to the bathroom, I have to get a drink), and I'm feeling lame about that. I thought I would be holding a little higher than that by now. Sigh. She was very attractive.

It might even be that my standards of female beauty have gone down somewhat due to supply and demand. I realized just now that I pretty much have zero contact with good looking women somewhere around my age. Most of the time I spend Shabbos in yeshiva and try my hardest to completely avoid seeing any women, which is entirely possible because things are separated well BH, and the women are mostly kollel women and are conscious of tznius. But just in case I try to avoid seeing them at all, which is totally possible. As a result, though, when I see a live one (talk about objectifying women), I just get overwhelmed so easily, and such a desire to look and behold a woman's beauty overtakes me. Is there an eitzah for me to get over this because even if I gear up to fight, it's tough fighting this particular battle.

Overall, though, we're trucking along. See you guys later tonight for my nightly post. Oh, and hailegeh Reb Guard, I haven't seen you in ages! Want to stop by?

Wanted to point out that "your standards going down" is actually a good thing - when it comes time to date, the question you'll need to ask yourself is not "how attractive is this girl?" It's "am I attracted to her?"

So that can actually be a very good thing.

As far as fighting this particular battle? It's all about training and practice, and getting used to looking away. And when you find yourself saying, "you know, I could use a drink right about now _{which means I'll just have to walk past that woman}", catching yourself saying that, facing it, and responding, "I can get a drink later. I think I'll chill right here for now."

Glad to hear that you're dong well - you're facing the issues, analyzing them, and coming up with ways to improve. That's what it's all about, bro!

I know this might sound weird, but as we grow in this area, our sensitivities get much stronger. Basicaly what im saying is something like, kol hagadol meichaveiro yitro gadol heimaenu!!

The more sensitve we are the further away we are getting. What we need to do is learn how to deal with the triggers.

I was once by R Elyashiv, and as they were bringing him from his home to his beis medrash i noticed he was covering his eyes, so as not to have to see the women on the street. I was shocked. Now anyone knows how the women in meah shearim dress. And even so he was so careful not to see anything. I realized, that its the point we are making here. The greater we are the further we get from this whole thing the MORE sensitive we get.

To make my point short. Its a good sign!!!

hatzlacha!

Wow, IT, that's unbelievable about Reb Elyashiv. That's so crazy that such a huge tzadick in such a frum neighborhood would have to do that. Kal vechomer we have to as well. Wow! Things are going well, overall. I feel a desire to reconnect with an old friend of the female persuasion, to catch up on old times and even to share with her my progress in this inyan. But as I write this, I see through that desire as nothing more than a haicha timtza to do all the old garbage again with her online, and that's definitely the emes. So we ain't sending her nothing. I really have to completely disconnect. So when her birthday comes around in a few months, I guess I shouldn't send congratulations, right? Even though we usually do that, it's just not appropriate. Too dangerous.

I had a busy day yesterday. Non stop moving. I feel so tired right now. I think I want to take a little Erev Shabbos nap. Falling on my nose. Yawn. I have to get a haircut today and I have to practice interviewing. I also need to get some homework done. Well, not much new to report here. I'm still doing well BH, and I'm having a good day. We'll win the battles and win the war (tm)!

Day 28: So far so good BH.

Definitely not a good idea to be in touch with her - and you should definitely be proud of yourself that you clearly see your motives.

Have you already said goodbye to her? Or just drifted away?

I haven't said goodbye because I've said goodbye in the past many times, but that didn't stop a geshmack aveiradig reunion from happening not infrequently. So I'm employing the drift off approach. Anyway, today I had a big accomplishment! I successfully took a Shabbos nap without thinking of znus or touching anything inappropriately! I slept on my back with my hands above my head and BH didn't mess up. I think I might have turned over after a while too - can't remember. I don't generally sleep on my back because you're not supposed to, but my back wasn't feeling good on the side at least in the beginning.

I learned a decent amount tonight, although bateled a nice amount too. I had a problem with people talking too much to me last night and tonight also. I'm too polite to terminate the conversation, so I had to sit through this guy talk about his life, which was not very intersting, and pretend to be interested for the sake of politeness. Thankfully, this doesn't happen too often. No, Anon, it wasn't you. It was someone else! Anyway, doing well here BH. How was Shabbos for everyone?

Day 29: Very good and successful. I only saw one woman the whole day and didn't gaze! Hurray!

wonderful news!  29 days is certainly great!  keep it simple and positive.  I also read you post in Steve's thread.  thank you for the prayers.

Uch, I'm restless and want to chat with people online. I've been working on this interview, trying to come up with good stuff to impress people with, but I'm getting bored and want some action. I think I'm gonna finish this up and work on it tomorrow, then hit the bais. I should have worked out tonight. Man! Tomorrow.

Shoot, I went to that dumb chat website. I'm talking to someone from Vietnam right now. They're not responding to anything. Okay, I stopped. Note to self: Don't do that again.

Wow Noya, Thats amazing that you came tot his site and the forum to let out your thoughts. Why not chat with me instead? My gmail is Yiddle2 if youd like to....

Yiddle2 wrote on 21 Feb 2010 05:04:
Hey yiddle waht ever happened to your " no one line posts" slogan??

Hey NOYA, i just read your last few posts and im totally wowed!! You are really heading in the right direction. And yes there will be bumps on the road but so long we dont take the side road which may seem smoother, we are in good shape. So keep on rollin. And if you want we can chat too. imtrying25@gmail.com.

have a great week. Love you bro!

Hey NOYA,
I'm glad it wasn't me :D
I'm probably worse... Anyway, I think the "drift off" approach is much better and more effective than the "break it off" approach. When you just let it drift off, they get the message that you aren't interested anymore. When you send an official looking breakup letter (or email), they can guilt trip you and use all of their sneaky girl tactics (sorry to any girls reading this) to keep you interested.
I love reading your posts and hearing about your progress. It's motivating me to do the best I can. Keep it up!!! (and call me when you're bored)

Ano 600 WOW!!!

did you get my regards?