NOYA wrote on 06 Jan 2010 01:14:
Now now my friend. We are not here to be perfect. We are meant to make mistakes! Weird yah, but true! So as long as we learn from our mistakes then they are all worth it!! So keep on rockin or rollin or whatever tops your turvy!!  :D

Noya, you were strong enough to overcome your trigger.  That is inspiring by itself.  Don't beat yourself up for it.  Just keep going and live one moment at a time.  Keep up the good work and I for one am proud of you for not letting the trigger take you further to a slip or a true fall.

NOYA i just wanted to remind you that you rock. And roll.

Wow! I had a tough day today.

First of all, thank you so much for all the encouragement, everyone, and for reminding me that I musn't make a big deal out of something that is only a slip, especially when I did overcome it. Thank you to anon for shmoozing with me about my struggle today and helping me get over it. Tangent: I met another member of our forum in real life today. I feel as if I'm part of a secret society and little by little the masks come off of people. Like in Animorphs if anyone remembers that. Who would have thought that Principal Chapman really had a yeerk in his brain? Okay, bad analogy.

Thank you haba for putting things in perspective for me, and thank you to my constant poster and friend IT, who always picks me up. By the way, in case you weren't kidding, a buffer is a term I use to describe the amount of points I can lose on a final examination and still get an A in the course. Thank you sci and everyone else who helps me so much. My heart goes out to all of you.

So anyway, today started out pretty bad. I didn't feel like doing anything. I wasn't depressed, but was just feeling, I guess, inactive. I wasted the whole morning sleeping and lying in bed awake. The third activity was not good at all for me because I got all sorts of bad hirhurim, and since I was really tired, I had a lot of trouble fighting them off. They did not result in action BH. I managed to get up and catch a 2:30 mincha in yeshiva, and after that I studied for the finals I had tonight.

I feel awesome right now because I mamash beasted tonight. My first final was inmath and it was HARD, man. This one problem I just couldn't figure out at all, and then I had a moment - you know how in suspense movies there's often a series of flashbacks at the end that illustrate how a character figured out some mystery? - that was unbelievable, where I figured out this super hard problem (at least it was for me) that required me to not only figure out the normal approxmiation to a binomial distribution, but to apply those results in a way that I never did before. I got it right! And I'm pretty sure I did well enough on the rest of the final to pull a 91, which should get me an A in the course, BH.

My second final was also intense, but I found out towards the end that I had an incredible buffer of 59 points, meaning that I could afford to get a 41 on the final and still get an A. After I found that out I handed in my final - I had one problem left, but it was way too time consuming for me to attempt, and I think I got above a 41 without that problem...

Anyway, so far it's been non stop beasting on the finals, and tomorrow is my last one, with a last subject [edited]. That should be a lot of fun.

Day 13 Summary: Started out not so great, didn't learn anything today, had a number of attacks and didn't really do proper hishtadlus in fighting them off, but right now I feel hirhurim free, so I'll give myself an A- for the day in fighting the YH with Hashem's help.

Ciao!

Dude, all I can say is you judge yourself WAY too harshly. You've got to learn to loosen that up a bit, because it will drag you down (trust me on this, I've had lots of experience). Let's get through finals, then we'll get through vacation, and before we know it we will have gotten through all of Shovavim. I'm sure YOU can do it, but I don't know about me...
Anyway, you have my number. USE IT! :D

Feelin hirhurim free! Ahhh! Ain't no better ben chorin in the world than a person freed of his nasty lil YH, if even for a few moments of freedom, a few whiffs of freedom!

Pass whatever you're smokin around, cuz I want to hit it!!

NO, REALLY PASS IT MAN!!

DUDE, IF YOU DON'T PASS THE FREEDOM PIPE HERE, I'M GONNA WHIG OUT ON YOU!

NOYA, I'M GONNA MESS UUUUUU UP!!! GIMME THAT PIPE, I'M ALREADY STARTIN TO GET THE SHAKES!!

man... you coulda just passed the pipe

(groans, tries feebly to roll over then falls back....)

man...

h

NOYA i actually enjoy reading your daily posts. Im soooooooo weird, no??
And i guess i now  know what a buffer is. Thanks man!  :D
And i agree with Ano, somewhat. Dont be so hard on yourslef. It can only backfire, CH'V.
Good luch on your final final! And im so jealous your getting vac after that! Wow. Lucky you.

Wanna stop by my place?? Im just around the bend..............

Today feels like it was very very long. I'm actually thinking now if everything happened today, or did it happen yesterday? I dunno. I'm very tired.

Well, what I think was today started out really great. I was acknowledged for something.

I was hoping to go 2 for 2 with a final [edit].

Anyway, I was also at a sheva brachos tonight (busy night), so that was nice. And I'm going to my rebbe's house for shabbos tomorrow. Then I'm going home, and then I'm going to florida for a vacation.

Day 14 summary: Very very good! No attacks. Back to A+

Great news Noya.  Think of it this way, 29 is better the 28 and still awesome.  Glad to hear no attacks today.  KUTGW!!!

NOYA you forgot to mention our long shmooze in the BM. I'm highly insulted. lol
We'll work on this perfectionism thing together. If you stay this way, you'll never be satisfied with yourself, no matter how much you accomplish. You're a VERY smart guy, maybe even a genius, but no matter how hard you try there are going to be many, many people in this world who are smarter than you, more handsome than you, wealthier than you, etc. Part of being Sameach B'Chelko involves being happy with who you are, the talents and shortcomings you were given, and the progress you are making due to your efforts to effectively make use of your talents. If you are doing your best (which I dare say you are), there is ABSOLUTELY NO reason to feel less than 100% satisfied. This is an important thing to master, or you can spend your life chasing your own tale. Keep up the awesome work NOYA, and remember to CALL ME if and when you are feeling weak!!!!
Take care,
Ano :D

NOYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

29!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ROCK THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR ROLLIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR ROCKIN N ROLLIN,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIRTY SHMIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PERFECTIONISM??!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!??

YEAH I SUFFER FROM IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET GO AND LET G-D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENJOY VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM FREAKIN JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-* :D :-* :D :-* :D ;D ;D :o :o

I'm sending you a coupla virtual Benjies too for your shakla vitarya, and as far as your litty teacher.... well, let's say that there are probably better ways to grade people than if they can memorize 30 quotes with context.

I'm giving you an A+, because you're clean for 14 days, KUTGW!!!

You sound like a truly impressive person - but I'm going to go with Ano here - Be happy with your victories. Be satisfied with your successes. The yetzer hora wants you to be unhappy, and down. The better you feel, the easier everything becomes, generally, and that's bad for his business.

Hey wat up NOYA???? Hope you had a great shabbos. Keep up the very good work!! I woulda said "great work" but you did only get 29 out of 30 didnt you?? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Hey everybody,

I was not planning on posting today because I'm home and I shouldn't be on the internet at home at all, but here I am anyway. This will be the only time I'm on while I'm home or else it's pretty darn likely that I'll mess up because I'm feeling restless today a bit. Shabbos was pretty good. I just played video games for two hours so my brain is kind of mushy right now, so excuse my random writing. The good thing is I'm still clean, holding by Day 17 today.

Interestingly, today is my father's birthday. Right now my father is in a rehab program somewhere in Florida. I can't even wish him a happy birthday over the phone because there are no phones allowed over there. Man, the poor man turned 64 years old today, and he's still wrestling with alcoholism. I don't want to be that way with lust. I want to defeat this thing while I'm still single and never look back. The taivohs are so strong though. I crave it, but I can't give in to my temptations.

I'm sick and tired of being a hypocrite and living a double life. I'm sick and tired of being held back spiritually. There are guys in the bais all day and all night. Life for them is the shiur and the gemara. I envy them so much. I wish that I was liggin in lernen like they were. But if you have this ugly sore in your life, there is no chance. I have to accept that all the things I want to see and read are much worse for me than they are good. They make me feel excited and give me intense pleasure for a few minutes, but then I feel spent, and then I feel guilty for a long time.

I have to remember that I don't need taivoh.

I have to remember that I can't control myself anymore. I have to ask G-d to help me, each and every day anew.

I have to remember that I want to be happy and content in this lifetime, and that giving into taivoh will never make you happy, because there is never enough taivoh. There is never enough stimulation. You always need more and more. More explicit, more intense, more complicated, more inappropriate. More, more, more. Chevra, I need help getting through today and tomorrow and the next day, before I go to miami. I don't want to fail. Not during Shovavim. Give me strength, Hashem!

Day 17 Summary: Day hasn't really gone anywhere yet, but I'm reporting in advance because I am not going online again probably until January 25th, when I get back to yeshiva. The past few days were good, but I have to remember that there's no such thing as giving into lust even a little bit.

I'll miss you all during my stay in Miami, and who knows, maybe I'll find a computer over there to update with, but if not, then IYH I'll return back to you with 15 more days down with A+s all around.

~ NOYA