Today was so crazy busy I barely had time to eat, so I definitely didnt have time to let my eyes or thoughts wander into forbidden territory.

But really strange - I got home tonight so bombed from the whole day and yet I just have the urge to act out. This is not my body screaming for release - the only thing it is screaming for is sleep. Yet I still have this urge/feeling  to go to look at p***. Not the normal physical lust -this is coming from a different place. More for the habit/routine whoch I thought I broke than the actual physical pleasure.  Usually its my body wanting these taaivas, but my brain wanting it??? I'm a little tired and probably not explaining myself clearly but if  anyone has ever experienced this or knows what I'm talking about I'd really like to know. Very confused. I'm on DAay 5 ( i think) if that helps. Thanks and G'nite

As addicts, we used the addiction to self-sooth any feelings of uncomfort. So it is understandable that after a long hard day where you're "bombed out", your mind craves a little "soothing" - even without the arousal per-se. It is just the way we programmed ourselves over so many years. We need to learn to start living real life. And real life is not always easy, but it's so much more fulfilling.

I did it!!!!

Ok this probably doesn't seem like a big deal but I finally got the courage to get a friend to install a filter on my computer and put in the password! 

So I realize that right now  I am not at the stage where I can trust myself with the password and I don't know if I ever will. Ok, so I wont be able to watch youtube, even the kosher videos that people send around- I guess I'll have to live without seeing  videos of cute kittens playing the piano. And no more videos of those adorable talking hamsters. Ok, even no more of those awesome youtube sports highlights - and I love sports.  But I think that is a small price to pay.

But I think I may have offended someone in the process.. the Y'h is cursing me out and calling me all kinds of names.

Oh well, you can't please everybody

Good Shabbos

Great Move!!!

Hey luria wats up? Im so happy to hear that youve got the courage to put on the filter. I went through the exact same thing when i put my filter on. No more youtube etc etc. Although **** still works and thats good cuz im a yankees fan and i wouldnt want to miss the ws. Btw why havent ive heard from you lately. Ive been sending you emails with no response. A gut voch.

We don't have a Beis Hamikdash today, but we can still bring Korbonos... Today's Kurban Tomid was sponsored by Luria!

Ashrecha!

See this page for more tips on Guarding the Eyes.... (Make sure to click the links on the page too!)

guardureyes wrote on 31 Oct 2009 20:30:


Reb Guard, thanks - as usual your links are great!!

imtrying25 wrote on 31 Oct 2009 18:01:


Hey Imtrying - that is really strange - I just checked my email and havent gotten any from you these past few days. I'll send you one tonight i"h

Gut voch

Luria wrote on 30 Oct 2009 17:21:


Fantastic!!!!

For me putting in a no nonsense filter   was when I got  serious about recovery.

Just one minor point ......we as frail human beings, made out of mere flesh and blood, are never ever designed to be left alone without a filter. Period!

I'm afraid that my filters are here to stay......I hope and pray!

With tremendous respect to a hero warrior

Noorah

I think all agree that one cannot live without a filter even if not addicted. Before I found this site I was hooked and managed to stop after i installed covenant eyes. Then someone showed me youtube  for an innocent reason and i  lost control all over again.I cursed the day I found Youtube. i also didnt want to use a filter because i didnt know what to do with the password. Now, I have a filter and gave the password to GYE while I made sure not to have it. When there is a leitimate reason I have to open something up I get the Password only if someone is with me and he uses it. Then I blocked Youtube and Google videos. Now I still feel the pull even after 90 days but it is so much easier. Make sure that the filter blocks any possible site. Keep posting, and withHashem's help you will win this horrible scourge. Now I am only addicted to this great site.

I'm on Day 9. I thank Hashem that in a moment of strength  I put the filter in last week. I had a rough day yesterday and definitely would have fallen without it. B'h it has removed a lot of the struggle I have been having every time I use the Internet.
I don't know if it is related to the filter but I have been battling with a whole new problem that has never been an issue before.  However, its given me the opportunity to examine my true motives and weaknesses a little more closely.  I don't like what I have been discovering 

And yes, yesterday  I was that guy I've always said I would never be - trying my hardest to get around the filter once it was installed. Luckily I also showed the person that installed the filter that he can check out what websites I visit so that quickly made me stop trying. Yesterday, I was very angry at myself for ever telling him that he could check the log of websites I visited. Today, I realize how lucky I am that I showed him.

Luria wrote on 03 Nov 2009 00:23:


A warrior and a chacham!
we're rooting for you!

7Up, thanks for the kind words. One day I hope to be a warrior but I am not a real one yet. I  have to come to terms with myself first.

One thing that has been bothering me.

Am I really an addict or am I just calling myself that as a desperate push to get better even if it is not accurate. Maybe i have the same lust problems as the avearge joe but I am too weak/lazy to fight it. After all,  i've gone fairly long periods clean. Am I being honest with myself?

You can answer that better than anyone else.
Can you stop whenever you want to and not return to it?
Does it control you, or do you control it?

And lets say its true that you are not an addict.
Now what?
How will you break the 'habit'?
The 12 steps, and group support are good tools for beating it regardless of the underlying cause.

The best 'tool'?
"Let go, and let G-d" -  you can NEVER lose by asking Hashem for help!




A warrior is someone willing to enter the battlefield for what he believes is right and important enough to fight for.
So yes; by definition, you, Luria, are a warrior!

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and discovered the following.

Generally speaking, shmiras einayim for me on the street while not easy by any means, is definitely doable. The big problem is when things quiet down. that is when 99% of my falls have been. I've been busy for weeks at a time when these lust issues rarely arose. Yet the second things quieted down they were there in full force.

I think what leads to my struggles is a lack of stimulation - when I am busy doing something, be it doing an errand or keeping busy in any way, these taaivos generally don't come up. When I am sitting and relaxing, even for a moment, they strike in full force.  Unfortunately, this could be even during a short break I take from work. Its not from boredom - its when things quiet down and I have a moment to think  and say to myself "ok, what next to do" that the y"h strikes.

That is part of what was bothering me about calling this an addiction. If I am busy working at a job or in school,  these lust issues rarely arise. So I think that it is misleading and unfair for me to complain about my  "addiction". During these moments I feel like an impostor in this forum- my problems are so much less severe than you guys!! I am no lust addict - I barely have problem at all!

And then an incident like 2 nights ago happens.

I did have time to relax - and this led to me trying for the life of me to  get around the filter  - I needed to see some p***. Yes, I know I am anonymous, but I am embarassed as I write this - I started getting all frantic and actually heard myself mutter in this urgent high pitced voice - something like " I need this,  I can't go on without it". I can't describe it in words other than that it felt like my whole life was caving in on me -  I needed the p*** and couldnt get to it. I had the urge to pick up my computer and smash it on the floor (maybe not a bad idea in hindsight .) I have never been frustrated like that in my life -   and it really scared the daylights out of me. I'm an easygoing guy who rarely gets worked up about things - life is too precious to be all uptight and serious! Yet here I was ready to go berserk because I couldn't see theses images that I wanted to. I am no expert in addiction but I think that is a safe way to explain my behaviour.

If I was a psychologist maybe I would term this "situational addiction" - I'm fine as long as certain situations dont occur.  But I dont think the name  is what is important. I have to do something useful with this knowledge and I'm not sure what  that is.