As usual, sorry I am long-winded, but with the help of my Best Friend, here are some thoughts for you:
You wrote
If i just let go without thinking anything i don't stand a chance. Is this wrong?? (and later)...But i felt i needed such a dramatic "getting busy" (going to the Kosel) because the regulars weren't helping. Even while busy i'm lusting...
When i wrote to you that "I don't need Hashem's power to help me "beat" this YH. I need him to remove the lust from me. I need His help to get myself out of His way. I need to go about His work, period. Not fight any battles." I meant that the reason that the 12 steps are
not about our lust problem (beside the simple admission of our lust illness in the first) is because our avodas Hashem/sanity/approach to life cannot be about fighting lust either. Focusing on fighting lust means we are probably thinking about it all the time (not a good idea :
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
). To me, it also may mean that I am not serving Hashem. :o What?! Calm down. 8) ...that's better. What I mean is that I do not believe Hashem wants me to make a struggle with lust the focus of my life. Leave the romanticised and glorified pulverization of the YH to those more qualified, thank-you. I'm just a measly addict, anyway... What I believe my Tatty wants of me is: to serve Him. To live for Him. Making the struggle with lust my raison detre' is just as wacky to me as those guys who work out 18 hours a week and spend another 18 hours a week organizing their organic meals, another 5-10 hours reading about improving their health...I always wonder: what are they living for? to be healthy?? Doesn't it make more sense to be healthy
in order to live?!
Anyway, you see it's insanity, no? There must be balance for a normal person, right?
Well, for me, an addict, the balance bar goes a bit the
other way, believe it or not. I can't afford to struggle with lust as much as a normal yid can. For me, lust needs to be even farther out of the picture, even
more remote. As much as possible, I need to keep the issue of whether I lust/not lust, act out/stay sober, come in contact with inappropriate scenery or not, etc,
Hashem's business, rather than mine. True, I have to be wise, honest, take whatever steps needed to avoid it...I just can't afford to make a big deal of it.
The thing I need to make a big deal of is this: Doing His will for me
today.
Exactly what is that? Think about it, for it's a big deal. The biggest deal. Not "what does He want me to do with my life", but just today. On a good day that is my
main concern/eisek, as much as possible.
That's my business. Sound simple? It is.
No, I'm not a
total idiot, I know what it's like to be mentally bombarded with old lust images, euphoric recall, and images of the women on the street. I am aware that once lust ideas get into my head it becomes very hard to think of anything else,
especially avodas Hashem. That's why I generally do not let them in in the first place. Thinking about
not thinking about them is just as dangerous for me. When I screw up, though, and they get in, I use the tools we talked about: calling someone and admitting it to kill the secret and ruin it's power (tzetel koton), thinking about what I
really want from this image/pursuit - true pleasure, acceptance, and love and admitting that it can't give it to me, and then asking Hashem to give them to me cuz only
He's got 'em all. Whatever. There are many, many tools.
But they are all ultimately half-measures. And, as they wrote in AA, "half-measures availed us nothing." Which I understand this way: If the main thing we are doing is
fighting to stay sober, where's the beef? When does the avodas Hashem start? When does
living start?!
So, that's why I'm not so comfortable with:
...Im a fighter. Im not looking to win or lose just to fight. I fought till now, I can keep on fighting. AGAIN, NOT WINNING.
True, true,
once we are in trouble, getting away w/o giving in to the temptation somehow, is technically in the category of avodas Hashem, but for an addict -
of all people - I find that lifestyle completely unacceptable. (In fact, In mt case, I don't even look at it as in the category of avodas Hashem, any more than I view catching my balance when slipping - it's purely selfish. And I wouldn't have it any other way!)
I always say to myself ; Im sick imsick. Im an addict. Im different from other people. I am a lust machine.
Easy now. Do you mean this in a morally judgemental way, at all? Is there any guilt with that self-assessment? What
I mean is only a
medical diagnosis. Just a neutral, simple, incontrovertible fact...Whenever I
admit the truth, the lust temptations immediately become a bit more silly. Why would I want to eat PBJ if I'm really allergic to peanuts?! (see the Sfas Emes on why Yitchok Avinu was named Yitzchok even though he was for middas haDin and yir'ah!!) On the other hand, a negating, or guilty approach would just make me feel like garbage and unworthy....not a good idea. Am I misreading you completely, chaver?
No matter what you tell your seichel, your hergash won't always change. Ex yesterday. I thought all these types of thoughts but i felt my body craving. So i did everything in my power to not allow this crave to take over my seichel. Am i wrong again with this? Just telling G-d that it is his problem is gionna take away the emotion/hergish????
See, the fact that i crave it like crazy doesn't bother me at all. A craving does not take me from Hashem. It's like gas pains. Or maybe gas....that's all. It doesn't make me possul for being what I am. He loves me - a luster -
like crazy, warts and all! He'll help us out even
with the craving. Don't worry so much. Find a friend to share it with once in a while - not to fight it, but to let it go and see past it to the
real avodah of your day!
CRAVING SHMAVING!! is a great motto. (thanks, berdichever!!)
Does that help?