Thankx For gtting back to me and all the encouragement. Its like when noones around for you , you know Moms always gonna come through. Call it mothers intiution. truth be told i was getting nervous over my reaction because i never reacted like this before. But then i told myself only good came out of it so it has to be a good one.

Thanx withgdshelp for the tip. I sure hope i never have to use it. But truth be told i probaly willl need it some time in the future so i appreciate it.
guardureyes wrote on 09 Nov 2009 22:05:
Yes i did read todays email but it was later on but it helped nevertheless. Everything there helps one way or another. Check out what i wrote to 7UP and please tell me what you think.

Hi IMT25,
I'm so sorry to hear about your fall. I just want you to know that it's ok. Slipping and falling is part of the journey up. Sometimes it's what helps us refocus on our goal, and go on with renewed determination. Thinking of what brought me to fall, helps me understand why I slipped, and then I can try to avoid those situations . I love what some1 once told me after a fall. "Sometimes hashem brings a person to fall, only to see what he will do THEN."

Mom posted this a while back and I thought it was worth it to quote again;



Dov, I was reading this and couldn't get over it. It's like you were talking jst about me! Especially , the last part. 
How do we really 'let gd' then?  There will always be this part of me that doesn't want to give it up.

tRyInG, where on earth did you dredge that up from?
Gosh; I really was smart in my younger days!

Thank you so much TrYiNg for the kind words. Although we think we know it all , but when we hear it from someone else , especially someone whos expeirencing the same thing it really hits home.
I so belive every word in this quote its so true and ive been trying to ingrain this in my mind for years. But truth be told, (although its embarresing sometimes) i was somewhat proud of myself yesterday because of my reaction. I think it comes from realizing that im finally getting places in my fight against this addiction, or as Dov would say in my cure for this sickness. ( please check a couple of posts up , to what im refering to.)



I have these feelings too. Its always bothered me that deep down below there is this part of me that wants it and doesnt want to give it up. But i think there are two reasons for this. 1- its not really us that doesnt want to give it up. Its or addiction that is saying this. Interestingly enough just a few days ago i was talking to a friend of mine and this came to mind. You see my friend is obese very obese and its now years that im trying all types of thing eg. money , to try and get him to lose weight. Anyway to make a long story short, The ther day i was trying to convince him to join overeaters anonymous which is the same thing as aa for people who overeat. He was coming up with all different ideas why he doesnt need to join and why he can lose wait on other diets and why he doesnt feel desparate enough to take a step like this. I was trying and trying till a point when i said to myself,Hey im not dealing with my friend here im dealing with his addiction. This is his addiction talking. He cant get himself to stop eating cuz hes addicted and his addiction will convince him and try and convince me why its not necassary to do anyhting about it. So the same thing here , I dont think its the real us that has these feelings but rather its our addiction.

2- I think we dont realize how bad this thing really is. At leastthats the way i fel. Yes we realize its not a good thing and its evn bad and its wrong but we dont realize its poison. We are like the little kid who wants to eat all that powder stuff thats under the kitchen sink. We know mommy doesnt let but it looks good.  Point being that we dont have a full understanding and appreciation for the severity of the matzav that we are in.

TrYiNg wrote on 10 Nov 2009 07:40:



Well, frankly I'm burned out today after pouring my heart out in some PM responses. But 'here goes', with Hashem's help: Yes, it is very hard to imaging what "letting go and letting G-d" would be actually be like. After all, aren't we all ma'aminim already? Of course we are. So, the better question may be: What are we not letting go of right now, that keeps us tied to our patterns, our sick boundaries, and our desires? Heroin addicts know more than anyone how desperately they need to drop their old shotting gallery friends, stop frequenting the places they bought drugs, etc. We all hold onto those kinds of familiar patterns for our much needed comfort. Familiarity is comforting, for sure. But we need to find and substitute it with other, real comfort, if we are to 'make it'. That comfort is perhaps the main power of GYE and (- in my opinion - much greater power) in the 12-step fellowships. It's a new chevra. Fitting in somewhere else. (BTW, I absolutely needed the face-to-face program meetings and real-person sponsorship for that...oh I said that already...oops!  )
But there is another "familiar setting" beside the external one that we see with our eyes that we need to learn to let go of - or rather - substitute for, and  for me it's the main work of the very program itself: The "familiar setting" of our inner attitudes and reactions to stuff that we feel with our hearts. That is the main work and fruit of the steps. "It's an inside job."
If we expect to get better; to behave differently - that we will not have to resort to acting out with lust when stress, pride, fear, and life hits us, while remaining the same people we were before...forget it. As long as we remain the same people, we will just keep fighting ourselves. Knowledge, we have...we need an inner change. You seem to recognize that and I think that is what you are asking, really.
So: Letting go - of what?
When that question is answered, the letting G-d flows more naturally.
Does that help a bit?

It's gevaldig!! Pure gold. It sums up the program so well.




Dov, it's not fair to the rest of us here at GYE that you should spend your Kochos on PMs... I know that sometimes it is important that things are said in private, but in most cases I am sure they can be posted on the person's thread... If you can please try to direct your answers to the forum as often as possible, we would all appreciate it. I can't stand the thought that I may be missing out on some of "Dov's wisdom and insights" because they were sent as private PMs. It's not fair. Waaaah!

P.S. This is not to say I think you should be posting more here, or to sound ungrateful, at all, chas veshalom. You post plenty as is... But it's still chaval for me to miss even one post of yours! They are truly precious to many of us here. (I am saving them all for a book one day   ;D)

I'd say "and a refuah sheleima to you too", but I love and respect you way too much, to do that. Uh oh....I'm really tired! PeaceOut!

dov wrote on 10 Nov 2009 23:37:


I think Dov isnt into the idol worship stuff

.

Dov, it seems you do real good when you're tired. That was one of the most profound posts EVER. (I know, I'll get over it).

Hey Dov ive gotta ask you for a personal favor. OH NO!! Can you please continue posting on my thread , because it seems thats the only way i can get people to post here. :D

hey, biker!
i had so much trouble with not wanting to let go. i'd think to myself, "letakain, let go and let G-d"!! and then i'd think "nah, i actually like this."
it wasn't until it hit me how pathetic i was. how something so tiny could trigger me
that i felt like it was unbearable.
I hope that day comes for you soon.
step 1.
keep pedalling,
letakain

I still have these feelings sometimes like Why do i wanna give this all up i like it. In those times the only thing that pulls me through is , that i say to myself although i dont realize it myself but some many people out there have gone through it and they all say its not worth it. But i feel that ever sinc i joined this forum ive gotten things in focus a little better and things seem to be easier. Of course it has to do with the fact that i have so many people pushing me on and cheering for me to succeed. I still feel that i get triggered by really silly things but i hope that will get easier with time. Especially with being sober for more time. Also i say to myself this is how hashem created me and ive just gotta be more careful then the next person by what i look at etc etc. Thanx for support.

Deep, imtrying. Deep.
Consider this: The fact that we are "triggerred" by crazy stuff and/or have crazy ideas or desires, is no barometer of our progress. Yeah, yeah, I know: "My idea of success is not a long life full of struggling/crazy tayvos/regular inner battles with deadly desires, etc..." We are all looking for rest and serenity (except for the few out there who romanticise heroic struggle for struggles' sake). And the G-d I believe in wants us to be generally happy and to serve Him with joy.
Still, the occasional "giving in" just perpetuates the sickness, and I believe that if we make sobriety our ultimate goal (regardless of the reason), we will eventually be forced to grow, just to stay sober. That (necessarily uncomfortable) growth will only happen through step-work (or something a lot like it).
Expecting to stay clean at any cost, while remaining the same person, is just plain stupid (and doesn't usually work, which is really stupid). And we ain't stupid.

Besides being stupid this is virtualy impossible. How can we stay the same person and stay clean at the same time. The "same person" is not someone who stays clean. Basically what im trying to say is that we need to grow, however that is, and through the growing we will become cleaner and cleaner. We need a new outlook , we need to be someone different and then we can hope this differnet person will be sober. Get what i mean??

Get it

Got it

and its
GOOD!

As you slowly shed the layers of shmutz,
you automatically lighten up (that stuff is heavy!)
And a lighter, shmutzless you,
is a happier you.
And a happier you looks forward to his day,
To the getting which comes from giving,
and even the giving which comes from getting sometimes.