Kedusha wrote on 14 Oct 2009 03:24:


I am about half way through it!  compelling reading.

dude, six years with no sex is not a marriage....

Rage AT Machine wrote on 14 Oct 2009 20:16:


I think 5770 recognizes that things need to change, and he seems to be on the road to help bring that about, b'Ezras Hashem.

i was looking for eating disorder specialists in the frum community today and i chanced upon (i was surprised to see the comment -  at bottom):
Member: Chana Simmonds
Address:
878 Queen Anne Road
Teaneck NJ 07666
UNITED STATES  
Phone
201 836 1776  
Fax
201 836 1357  
Email:
koltuv18@yahoo.com  
Profession:
Psychotherapist  
Professional Degrees:
MSW, LCSW  
Licensed Mental Health Provider:
Yes  
Licensed Mental Health Agency:
LCSW: New Jersey and New York  
Services Covered By Insurance:
Yes  
Affiliated Insurance Agencies:
out of network only  
Languages Spoken:
English

Specialties:
ADD/ADHD
Addictive Behaviors
Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Baalei Tshuva issues
Bipolar/Manic-Depressive Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Dissociative Disorders
Eating Disorders
Grief/Bereavement
Holocaust Issues
Infertility
Marital Therapy
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Pain Management
Personality Disorders
Phobias
Pre-marital Counseling
PTSD/Trauma
Sexual Dysfunctions
Singles/Shidduchim
Women's Issues

Populations Served
Adolescents
Children
Couples
Families
Individuals

Comments:
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Difficulties in observing Taharat Hamishpacha and Mikveh

Hi 5770

welcome

this is a nice and comforting place to be-with people who really care and who want nothing more then your happiness and well being.

I just want to reiterate Kedusha's recommendation of The Garden of Peace by R Sholom Arush.

It's a wonderful book and helps in very very practical and real ways.

It can truely correct and improve one's relationship with his wife beyond the "realistic" expectations

hope you stick around.

there is so much good advice and insights here.

and definitely there are many of what people write of what works for them  that will work for you as well.

wishing you and your family the very best

 

5770-just realized after rereading your first post that you have read most of this book.

all I can say is that when I apply some of the concepts there in a practical way I see amazing things in the enhancement of the relationship with my wife.Of course,the are bumps and days or weeks can go by without seeing much tangible results but over the course of time you see a drastic improvement.

Its not just a book about marriage.It's a book of changing your thinking in a more positive constructive way.And as you become a better person, your wife cannot help but start noticing this and reacting to it positively over time   

5770, sounds like you and your wife could use a weekend away with Arachim or Aish or something similar... A few days with some inspiring shiruim and chizuk, to get closer to Judaism and learn more about Taharas Hamishpacha, Shalom Bayis and other such nice things that many of us "lucky people" have. No reason why you shouldn't have it too! 

yechida wrote on 14 Oct 2009 20:59:


hi everyone.  thanks for your kind supportive words!

And Yechida -  hate to admit this, but i walk in our house full of the joy of either a lazer brody CD or reading some of the garden of peace and within 30 seconds I have forgotten everything and back to my old ways....from subtle criticism right through to outright hostility.   Of course by the time I have offloaded onto her.... it's too late.   The problem is i GENUINELY believe that what I think and do is right and better...  and what she does ... is wrong or stupid (note: 95% of this centers around bringing up our only child).

yep I really need to clear time and read garden of peace completely... and repeatedly, I think.

And of course, when I am in the doghouse due to my behavior, the YH has all kinds of nice exciting porn goodies waiting for me!  

day 5.

So I have a question for everyone:  if ... IF... (when?) I make 90d will I truly feel differently about stuff?  Did you?
 

Rage AT Machine wrote on 14 Oct 2009 20:16:


tell me about it.  But you get used to stuff, you know?

no i dont know about getting used to stuff...

you fight back! you fix things! you make them right!

Rage AT Machine wrote on 15 Oct 2009 17:25:

yeah i hear ya, kinda feeling somewhat knocked down at the moment tho' ...

my wife (with good reason) is so pissed with me (12 years of pointless, lonely marriage might have somthing to do with it) she wants our daughter out of chabad day school and hates everyone associtated with it (it's all my fault for developing an interest in something she has no love for).  in fact she so much as sees a pair of tefillin she's ready to throttle someone.  Yes I know chabad are not perfect and let's face facts, small town rabbis can't manage their bank accounts let alone schools... but even so they are doing the best they can and i can't bear the thought of my daughter in a state school (chas v'shalom).  Besides which, my wife belives she is being punished by G-d.
So... Mr Rage -  Maybe somethings simply cannot be fixed.
One more thing: did you mention eating disorders earlier?  i wish you all possible strength and patience for  dealing with someone who has that addiction

thanks, bro, my wife is actually going through an eating disorder...

maybe your wife needs a different brand of judaism...chabad is fantastic but not for everyone...the good thing about observant judiasm is that there is a way for each person...the intellectual scientist type can find yu's modern orthodoxy for her, the spiritual, mystical type can be drawn to chassidus, the tough israelis may like arachim or some of the programs operated by rabbi elbaz in jerusalem, the point is, there is no right way or wrong way so long as the torah and mitzvot lie at the center...

i think you should do what guard said...tell your wife that the two of you need to get away...suggest an arachim or aish type weekend...tell her it will bring the two of you serenity (and it just may)...

she's going through a particularly intense orthodox-hating phase at the moment.  she is convinced the school is brainwashing our daughter.  She THOROUGHLY resents me for convincing her to send her.

question "are you a bad person if you don't eat kosher?"    answer "errm ... no?"
question "why do they tell you to eat kosher - what happens if you dont?"    answer: "it's an aveyra"
question "do you know what an aveyra is?    answer: "It's a bad thing"

She wants her out and she says she said she feels less jewish than ever before.  ANything with a beard or tzitzit = bad.  She thinks our daughter is now narrow minnded... THe teachers are no good. The building is no good.  The restrooms are no good. The parents are ignorant.  The secular subjects are poorly taught.  They only care about themselves.  She HATES the fact that I go to shul all day on Shabbos with our daughter.  She stays at home (hates the services anyway, doesn;t know what's going on - it's all a bunch of pointless man-made rules anyway).

I donn't know.  Is Hashem throwing this out to test me?  I am trying to cut out the m*********n and fix the years of neglect.

Is this normal for people who are trying to do this?  So yes, the mikva is out the question.  One more thing, be careful with the eating disorder.  Pull out al the stops.  if you have to - Quit your job and help her - whatever it takes.  My wife's youngest sister recently died of this at age 20 -   secular famiilies do not handle this kind of death at all well.  My wife never recovered
- day 6 -

5770 wrote on 16 Oct 2009 17:56:


Mikvah may be out of the question at the moment.  But if you're working on yourself and your marriage, your wife may change her tune, or at least be willing to go to Mikvah for the sake of your marriage.  Many women (who are otherwise not observant, but whose husbands are) do.  But, don't say anything about that now.  Just work on being the best husband that you can be!