Hello,

I had a good day. Almost know thoughts entered my head and I have been happy all day. I had forgotten how good it felt to be clean. I will be sure to post again tomorrow.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Very rough week,



Last night it hit the peek. I realized the insanity in me. I just want "a little bit of lust" -that's all!! What could be so bad about a small little bit???



I couldn't and cant see the obvious events that follow... Like the past billion times when I stayed up the rest of the night and ended up masturbating.. This time I will stop after one hour..
For me the biggest nissayon - is to watch a movies. Its not that I'm lusting women - and want to see them in movies. Its just the relaxation (READ: Escapism) that I so crave. But deep down its also lusting.


Anyways, this week I had a slip. Whats one more slip? I felt that I needed it so badly.. Fire was burning in me. Even going to oink-meeting didn't extinguish the fire completely. But after the meeting however, I spoke to the rock-thrower (GYE name?), he told me the story of one of the AA's. The guy was a real alcoholic, and thought after he had eaten and drank two glasses of milk - "What will one shot of scotch do on a empty stomach?" - Idiot!
(He ended up drunker than ever before etc.)


But then, what am I??? I'm saying exactly the same thing!!


I made it thru the night, by distracting myself. But distraction won't hold up to long. I need to find a way to get my life under control..

Was it a good movie?

How about trying to drink two glasses of milk instead...

Hi guys,

I am not counting days. What would happen is that I would fall once and then feel that the whole day is lost, causing me to fall many more times. The same happens for hours. So now I only focus on the current minute. It has worked great for me. Anyway, how are you doing? Do you have any new tricks or tips? Thanks for reading.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Eliyah hanavy, eliyahu Hatishbi, Eliyahu....!!!!

KeepShteiging bro!!!


Thought I was the only cholent eater left... I really have to work, on "a minute at a time" - when that happens by me, i'm usually toast.

Over Rosh hashana I was trying to have full self awareness. Many times, especially when people are watching, I forget myself and only focus on the person I want to project... While davening - I need to daven. Not the guy who is portraying to be "the holy jew, wrapped in a talis". That was very hard at some points, but I did my best. More work ahead, and I'm open for suggestions, that is if - anyone can relate - or is this Chinese?



Btw. "Vetaher libeinu leovdecha beemes" - reads in my machsor: Please Hashem, help all the guys on GYE, me included to overcome our terrible problem. Clean them out - so we can serve you be'emes!

Amen kein yehi ratzon!

Avrom wrote:



Still alive and well B"h.

Middos alert!

Well first the bad news: This yom kippur I felt like I was the new tzaddik hador. Why would hashem punish me? I'm doing all I can to be clean. I was so horible in the past years, but that wasn't so my fault, I started so way before I knew it was ossur. When I realised, it was already to late. I was hooked. So Im just thinking how great I have been with all taken the measures I have. 35 days clean just boosted those feelings..
....Middos alert! Middos alert! Middos alert!


Good news is that for the first time, I didn't fall motzei yom kippur!! YAY!

Avrom wrote:



Sorry it's been a while, but I've been adjusting to college and my first full-time experience of being in a Yeshiva, and so far it's been amazing. I really love Yeshiva.

I hope everyone's doing well. I am back in my hometown for Succos. Right now I am attempting to make an egg-salad...not the most lofty of goals but it's been a learning process for just figuring out how to hard-boil eggs


I don't think you and I were disagreeing. What I meant when I said that (what seems to be working for me) is to forget about problems is that:

-I know someone who moved out of their parent's house long ago but still is feeling negative affects from it. What I mean is that they are in their thirties, and though they have been gone since high school, they still have issues stemming from their childhood.
And I don't mean to negate those issues. I am sure they are very valid. They definitely aren't anything related to abuse; it's more "the mother is very controlling", this, that, and the other.

At some point, if you've left your parents house 15 years ago, you've got to move on and stop diagnosing yourself with problems based on what happened 15 years ago. I am just using this case as an example.

Now, when I say "move on", I mean "deal with the problem in an authentic way--either through forgiving, internalizing that your parent's problems aren't yours, that your parents are human too, or something along these lines".

At least for me: some things about my childhood I just have to move past. I can get past them 10 years from now, or I can get past them now. I can live life hating my parents, despite the many many kindnesses they've done for me, while not accepting that they are human and have rights to their flaws even though these flaws in no way reflect anything about me and these flaws diminish their quality of life--or I can forgive and love them with a simple heart.

תמים תהיה עם ה' אלקיך. Love Hashem. Don't chesbon things out too much--just say "no matter what, what has happened is for the best and I love you Hashem".



Also, never forget about the problem. The difference between me today (I hope at least) and a year ago is that right now, I am literally taking things a day at a time. I don't trust myself at all--not in the slightest. I'm not counting how many days at a time. And I think right now I am truly taking it day by day, minute by minute--like some_guy said.

However, do I need to frame life as "fall v. no fall"? Of course not. Would it have been productive for me to be on GYE the past 4 weeks? No--it would have taken away from time from other things like learning, and I didn't feel it would be a huge help to me personally.

That's all I meant, and I'm sure everyone's situations are differently.

Anyway, chag sameiach!!!

Nice to see you chacha,

B"h everyone seems to be growing.


YAY! onto the jhf section, new worlds to conquer!

Thanks for stopping by for some chacha!!
Especially when you are sharing good news with the chevra..


A git kvittel! (I still dont know exactly what that means )

Came up with a great thought,

Today's day was very exhausting. I was busy shopping and building the succah... Doing what would seem so regular to any eye. However it was completely new approach. I wasn't trying to find a small brake to sneak in some movie or games.. I wasn't lusting, I wasn't holding my breath, I was just living life like a "normal human being"

Now to the thought: A person brakes his leg and cant walk for a few weeks. When his walking ability is returned - hes filled with joy! He appreciates every step, every walk to the bathroom, the simplest tasks he does - and cant stop thanking hashem. This applies to most things, but one: Life One that looses life - will never get it back...

But there is an exception! Yes, addicts like me, - life was broken - I dont even remember ever living like this. Specifically during Bein Hazmanim. I feel such gratitude for the sweet "regular" life I'm given.
This feeling can only be felt if your life was totally broken. Do I think the guy that brakes his leg is better off? Definitely not!
I'm just saying that no person can feel such joy in life, unless it was so wrecked as mine (and maybe yours). and its just getting better...


Still have a long way to go, one day at a time..

Avrom wrote:

I think it's a hochacha of a pe'ulas hamechyev, though there is no real chalois, still the roshem of the pe'ulah is clearly nikkar in the totza'ah, which can quite possibly be a different "din", understand?

Hey! whats all that noise?

Why are you making such a din?!?

moish u.k. wrote:


he must be from marmerosh!!!

I love marshmallows. Especially roasted ones.

MT