Congrats Ben on Level 5 - I updated your chart to 50 days.

A post Shabbos update: 56 days clean, 8 weeks, are now past.  The struggles are still there, but nowhere near as difficult, B"H.  The biggest problem I am having is with guarding my eyes out in public.  I have found my primary challenge to be immodest magazine displays and immodestly dressed women out in public.  I guess I have to learn coping strategies for this for the rest of my life anyway, so it must be time for me to learn how to control my eyes for real.

KUTGW Ben.

About Shmiras Ainayim, read my last post on this page for some pointers :-)

Thank you GUE, it's important for me to remember to avoid depression.  That is one of the Y"H's major attack points in my life.  Thanks for the chizuk.

An Erev Shabbos update:
I am still clean but I had a close call earlier this week.  My family is in the habit of watching a fair number of movies.  This last Monday (on the US holiday) we went out and rented some movies.  The one movie (which I had seen many years ago) was rated PG and was around 35 years old.  I thought "how bad could it be?"  The answer as it turns out was "bad enough."  I ended up struggling with my Y"H rather intently for the rest of that day and much of the next.  I described it for GUE in an email exchange we had.  I have to more careful to verify with someone else beforehand that a movie is actually kosher before I watch it.  B"H, I made it through without sucumbing to the temptation to masturbate.

At any rate, I have now stayed clean for 61 days.  If I make it through moetzei Shabbos, that will be nine weeks.  There is a part of me that is amazed that I've made it this far.  Again, thank you all for the support that comes though this group.  Without the chizuk, I don't think I could have made it so far.

That is such a great post.

Movies are indeed a killer with this disease. I know people who will not watch a movie unless someone who knows them and who they trust, like their wife, checked it first and assures them it's Kosher - which is almost NEVER the case with movies today. Even children's movies are very problematic in this regard. There are always small scenes here and there that can stay in the head and be strong triggers for people with these issues. It's really a difficult problem.

Movies is really the final frontier. If you can conquer that, you will be on much safer ground.

See this article: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/Movies.asp

And see this prayer to recite before watching a movie :-)
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/leshem-pirud.pdf

G-d Luck!

I feel pathetic, but I would probably find the prayer even funnier if I actually understood everything in it.  I am such a newbie at some things....

Shabbos went well.  Assuming I make it through tonight, I will be at 9 full weeks of being clean.  The movie thing will be a challenge.  While my wife is on board with what I'm working on, I don't think she fully understands the nature of the struggle.  I will, bli nedar, try to post some more in the moring.  Gut woch!

Well, it's official: I made it through 63 days clean.  Phew!  I know I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I feel like I've come a long way, too.

New challenge, I come down with a cold or the flu or something like that.  I know that for me this can be another vulnerable time, so I have to keep my vigilence up (even though I really don't feel like it).  I guess this is probably another test.

The fact you are aware of your vulnerabilities is a very good sign of progress. Keep diligent, let your wife know you are feeling weak, and try and occupy your mind with other interesting things like a good book, or MP3 shiurim or music... Check out our new site that is under development: guardyoureyes.org/ there's some interesting info and stories already... (on page 2, you might find a story you recognize :-)

Remember, when it's hard, that's the real reward, and that is when you build the REAL foundation for ultimate success.

Refuah Shleimah!

After years upon years of unsuccessful battles against my Y"H, I have become aware of times when it would logically seem that I would not want to m*********, but I would anyway.  I have come to the conclusion that these must be times of particular weakness or vulnerability.  I really don't understand why the desire is so strong at these points, and I think that the why may be important.

At the moment, my nose feels like a wet sponge, I have a cough that would wake the dead, just about every joint in my body is aching, I feel physically weak and a little dizzy, and I probably have a low grade fever.  WHY IN THE NAME OF WONDER DO I HAVE THE URGE RIGHT NOW?????  It makes no sense to me, but there you have it.

In the meantime, after I finish writing this post, I am going to finish a book of anecdotes about baalei teshuva that the Bostoner Rebbe comissioned.  After that I am going to work a while on The Garden of Peace.

When the body feels weak and sick, the subconscious mind seeks something soothing to medicate the bad feelings. This is 100% normal. Also the fact that you're stuck in bed with little to do, feeling inadequate, and don't have much to take the mind off these thoughts. So being sick can be an especially a difficult time. But it's good that you recognize it and are on alert. That's what makes a tzadik!

In addition to Rabeinu Guard's explanation, I think today's Chizuk email also provides an answer.




When you're feeling weak and unable to express your inner self, it can be expressed in the urge to act out. I've had many times that I was physically weak and as a result I wasn't able to daven and learn. In no time I would start feeling the urge to act out.

Thank you Battleworn! Indeed, while I was translating today's Chizuk e-mail I said to myself - "Hey, this is exactly what I told Ben this morning!"

Rabeinu Guard, it might interest you to learn that when I spoke to my wife about these postings last night, her response was nearly identical to yours.  I always have to remember to listen well to her.