Just a quick post today; life at work is more than a little hectic.  I've completed 40 days clean now; I'm still amazed.  Good Shabbos everyone!

GREAT WORK!!! You are a true inspiration for all of us to keep at it.

Good to hear from you. 10 more days to Level 5. Keep up the great work Ben.

Today, I am past my previous record for clean days.  I haven't noticed a significant change in the struggle at this point; specifically, the physical urge is really no different now than it was when I started.  I suppose it is somewhat easier for me to turn away from the immodest sights that pervade our culture, so that is one change for the better.  The biggest fight, though, is in my head.  Filling my head with non-sexual thoughts in response to the things the Y"H brings up is quite challenging (as all of you know so well).  There are days when it is a real battle.  Twice over the weekend, my wife and I had good heart to heart talks about my struggles.  Those went pretty well; I think she understands (after a number of years now) that it isn't her fault.  The addiction began long before I even met her, let alone was married to her.

You are a true inspiration.

I heard recently two ideas for getting rid of bad thoughts. I think I read it from Habib613 - who, I think, got it from Elya:

1) When a bad thought attacks you, try counting to 100 in multiples of 3... as in: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, etc... (or other random numbers). Since you have to "think" to do this, the bad thoughts will leave...

2) Try holding a conversation in your head with an imaginary "someone" (about any topic you like) in a second language that you don't know so well... As you break your "teeth" trying to say what you want to say, you will forget about the bad thoughts :-)

Well, I had a problem at my house last night, and as a result, the Y"H is just not doing anything at the moment. 

When I got home from work last night, I noticed a funny smell in the house but I couldn't figure out what it was.   My son went down in the basement to work on the laundry, and when he came up he told me that there was a lake in the basement and it smelled bad.  I went down and there was a lot of water everywhere.  I looked at the floor drain and noticed nothing was happening, so I assumed that the floor drain was stopped up.  I went out to get some drain cleaner and put it in the floor drain.  While I was waiting I decided to take a look around and see how far the water had gotten (the basement is rather poorly lit and I couldn't see much).  Off in a corner is a small bathroom that we never use.  I walked in, turned on the light, and almost threw up.  It turned out that the house sewer trap had clogged and all the waste from both apartments was coming out of the toilet and the shower in this small bath.  B"H, the plumber came this morning and cleared the drain line, but I still have a really big mess to clean.  Since last night, I have one image stuck in my head and it is totally squelching the urge.

This has been very effective at stopping the Y"H, but I don't think I can recommend it to anyone in good conscience.  The count is now 45 clean days.

Keep that image in your mind for trying times  :D

Often what happens to us in life is a message from Hashem. Maybe the message here was that you are finally unplugging the sewage and cleaning up the mess!!

Keep up the great work, you are a true inspiration!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

That's a powerful image.  You're right, I should keep that one in reserve for the big struggles.

Woohoo! I now have 49 clean days complete!  If I get through tonight, I will reach the next milestone.

I've noted that my Y"H seems to dislike milestones, and the trials seem to ramp up in days just before reaching these points of significance.  I've been using the imagery from my earlier posts in the battle.  I've found it quite effective (though a little nauseating).  Whatever it takes to win this battle, though.  I'll post again tomorrow (bli nedar), hopefully with good news.

go ben go
we need you to keep going

Here it is, the official notification that I have completed 50 clean days!  There was some additional challenge yesterday as I had to drive my wife and daughter into the city to clothing shop.  The store wasn't too bad, but walking on the street... oy vey!  I practically couldn't look anywhere.  Thankfully, that should be a very rare occurance.

While I have been struggling daily, it seems like the difficulty is on a downhill ramp.  There have been spikes where I struggled much more and needed some handholding (whether literal or figurative).  I know I have quite a way to go before I hit 90, but I am beginning to feel optimistic that the tide has turned and the Y"H is on the run.  I still struggle with doubting myself and that may be the next big battle.  Pessimism is ultimately so destructive; it's another aspect of the Y"H that needs to be defeated.

Hi Ben,

I can certainly relate to your challenges w/ going into the city.  I had to go into Brooklyn yesterday for a chasunah and the streets of NY are gefrelech.  Even inside the chasunah was bad. 

Hashem gave me a gift though.  I wear glasses and when I remove them, I can hardly see anything.  I had my glasses off for much of the chasunah as well as when I walked the streets.

KUTGW!

Mazal Tov BEN
ad meoh viesrim

That's 120 years, not days!

:D