I had a very difficult day yesterday, but B"H, I made it through and stayed clean.  This was the most challenging day I've had in this effort, though.  I had to work yesterday on a client site, and to save money, I carpooled with a coworker.  When the job site closed for the day, all my other coworkers decided to go out for lunch.  I couldn't eat with them, but I really didn't have anywhere elso to go so I sat with them while they ate.  The lunch conversation was so vulgar I couldn't believe it.  One plan of action for future travel that my wife and I agreed on is that I drive my own vehicle to job sites from here on out.  The potential damage to my efforts just isn't worth the few dollars I may save.

The other thing that happened is that I ended up having two rather vivid dreams.  B"H, there was no nocturnal event.  Nonetheless, the whole thing is rather disturbing.

Thankfully, the memory of yesterday's discussions is rapidly fading.  I think I need to get some extra Torah study time today to try to "overwrite" some of these things.

Happy is your lot, Ben Shel Hashem!

It's hard for me to believe, but I completed 30 clean days last night.  Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had yet.  The Y"H was really worked up by the things I described in an earlier post, plus I was approaching a milestone.  Last night, before my bedtime Shema, I did some Torah study and spent a little time in hitbodedut (not a common thing for me).  Then I spent some time talking to my wife about my struggles over the course of the day.  She was very supportive and decided to go to bed at the same time I did (also not a common thing, she's a serious night owl).  I ended staying up a little later than I am accustomed to doing, but B"H, I made it.  I'm sure the Y"H will attack soon in a fierce way, but at least I know it's coming.  I know I have to prepare myself, and I know I can succeed.

Ben Hatzadik, your progress is a tremendous inspiration to me; and I'm sure to many others as well.

This site and chizuk emails have been my inspiration.  Too long I tried to fly solo.  I tend to be very quiet and stay in the background, so talking to anyone about my struggles had been nearly impossible.  B"H for this website.  And I'm even more thankful to my wife who has been patient above and beyond anything that anyone could expect.

Wow Ben, Congrats on reaching Level 4. I updated your chart and crowned you with the "Eved hashem" crown!
Keep strong, you are an inspiration to us all!

I had a big struggle with depression last night.  My family has been observant for only a few years.  This past summer we left the town where we became observant (which only had a handful of orthodox families plus the Chabad rabbis) and moved to town with a rather large orthodox community.  My wife and children have taken the change very badly and really want to move back.  It feels like every time something negative happens that my wife is telling me again that she can't wait to move back.  I've promised her that I would do my best, but with the economy it will be difficult; jobs are hard to find these days.  I feel under tremendous pressure.  When we first moved here my wife was having meltdowns on nearly a daily basis and was threatening to divorce me because I was going forward in my observance and the rest of the family felt that they had already taken on too much.  Eventually things settled down (largely due to an antidepressant for my wife), and the divorce threats have gone away.  Frankly, though, I am scared what will happen if I am unable to find a new job in the old town when our current lease is up.  I was very upset and depressed last night. 

There was one positive aspect, though: I felt little to no urge to masturbate.  Usually, this would be the most likely circumstance under which I would fall.  I don't know why I didn't feel the urge, but I am glad for it because I don't know how well I would have been able to resist.  Perhaps Hashem was giving me a break?  Perhaps my battle and my extra Torah study are part of it as well.  Whatever the case: 32 clean days and counting, B"H.

ben, 32 is gematria LEV - heart. In this merit, may Hashem give you a new heart to serve him and trust fully in him, no matter what life throws your way. Let go and let G-d. Not just in the addiction, but in all aspects of your life.

That is an accomplishment!!  I too tend to act out when I am depressed and stressed.  Letting the fantasy world take over, if only for a few moment, provides temporary relief.  The I feel sick when the moment passes.  You are doing great!!!

Ben,

Hashem has the infinite capacity to take on all your worries....Release all of it to HIM and trust HaShem that everything is always for the best! We are tested all the time, not just in shmiras habris. Only through overcoming these tests can we reach our spiritual potential! I try to thank HaShem whenever something comes up that stresses me out or upsets me. Try it!

Btw, I too am a baal teshuva too! Though I don't a family of my own along the ride, I do understand how hard it to deal with others your close to who don't understand why your making these positive changes.

Keep up the good work!

I've now completed 35 cleans days, 5 weeks!  The Y"H hasn't given up, of course.  Last night I had at least a couple of dreams of a sexual nature, but it was rather odd.  Instead of challenging me directly while I'm awake, I was being tested in my dream with a strong desire to masturbate.  The other dream I recall was less odd; it was based on memories of an inappropriate relationship in the distant past.  It isn't easy dealing with this and the effects of the dreams have been slow to pass.  I am still struggling with the urges, but they are slowly diminishing. It is a new week, and with G-d's help, it will hopefully be another week of growth and cleanliness.

Ben, you're doing great!

Our dreams reflect our life. The more we work on not giving in and not looking at what we shouldn't, we will find that in our dreams we also avoid falling and don't want to give in... But this can take much longer to happen in the dreams than it is happening in real life. That's because it takes a long time to change the subconscious.

Keep posting and inspiring us all to be strong!

Well, another couple of clean days are completed.  The Y"H jumped me yesterday, though.  I was on my work computer (which I don't have the rights to install blocker software on) and I was doing a search for something I thought would be pareve.  B"H, I didn't see any pictures, but the description of the first website on the list was rather bad.  I got off that search results page within a few seconds and didn't follow any of the links.  It still took several hours for the urges to taper off.  Every little battle won is another step forward; every test serves to lift me higher.  I have to keep reminding myself; it's for my good, my wife's good, my children's good, and the good of klal Yisrael.

Count = 37 clean days.

Wow, I'm reading these posts of all these close calls and such great spiritual strengths and I'm just shaking my head and thinking how fortunate Hashem is to have such a nation!

I updated you chart. Keep inspiring us!

keep going strong ben you are giving the y"h a run for his money. before moshiach comes there will be a global crisis and personal crisises. through thick and thin we must fight the y"h as our life depends on it more than ever. the tumah of our generation is the greatest proof mossiach is so close. you pushing the tumah away and hashemkisses you teshuva!! this is what he wants from all of us- keep going and bringing us all nachas.