Ben, don't worry - we understand. We just MISS you  :D

Sometimes I miss me too!  ;D

I'm going to try to post more, especially when I first get into the office.  It usually takes a while before everything gets up to speed and I can at least write a few things.

On a different note, I was feeling a little weak in the struggle last night, but I didn't feel I was in any danger of falling.  In spite of that, my wife, the consummate night owl, decided to go to bed the same time as I did.  I don't know if my wife was picking up any cues, but apparently Hashem decided that I needed the backup.  Very interesting....  At any rate, it's good to know that others are watching out for me, even though I'm past 90.

These little "divine helps" we see, are Hashem patting us on the cheek and telling us he's proud of us!

Just a brief update before Pesach.  B"H, I am still clean, but I have had a close call.

On Thursday night last week, I had an emission in my sleep.  In the past, this was very often the prelude to me acting out after a time of cleanliness.  This time I spoke to my wife about it and said the Tikun Haklali as well.  In previous times I would have fallen by now.  I won't say it has been easy; as the weather warms the modesty decreases.  I have been trying even harder than ever to guard my eyes.  I think it is good that I began this in the Winter.  Guarding my eyes is much more difficult in the warmer weather, and I will need every bit of practice that I have had to this point.

A kosher Pesach to everyone, and may we all know the freedom from our slavery to our addiction.

I can't believe how the time is flying.  This past Shabbos was four months clean.  Unbelievable!

I had some struggles over chol hamoed; I had some kind of a dream wherein I was contemplating M, and as I woke up I nearly began to act on it for real.  Not sure how I stopped myself; I can only assume that Hashem intervened.

As I stated on another thread, I've really been struggling with memories for the last few days.  I've been trying to figure out how to really "let go," but it is difficult.  I want to fight it.  I know I can't keep this up on my own, that only Hashem can defeat the Y"H.  What does getting out of the way really look like?  That is what I am struggling with now.  The Y"H has really backed off for the time being, and I am glad for the respite.

When we find we are really struggling with lust again, we need to go somewhere private and really have a talk with Hashem from our heart, and imagine as if we were a two year old child begging his daddy for something, and beg Hashem with tears, to take away the lust from us.

And we can also picture that we are like a baby who is crying that his father took away from him some colorful balls that look like candies that we were trying to eat, but in reality the colorful balls were poisonous soap, and the father saved us by taking it away. And we weep and cry and say "father, why is it so hard for me when you take them away? I know they are poison for me. I know you love me. Help me let go of these colorful poisonous balls that my little mind wants me to eat..."

I've been trying to get rolling on doing hitbodedut with mixed success.  So this is another motivation: another need to cry out to HKBH.

Regarding your memories:
I have written the following idea before and it is appropriate here as well:
Rav Nachman says getting hirhurei zenus is a great zechus.  The reason is that it gives a person the opportunity for teshuva and proper tikun for the past aveiros.  After a person rectifies his aveiros of pgam habris by refraining in action, Hashem  sends him these hirhurim to give him a chance for real teshuvah.  He says that so many people get down and depressed when they get these thoughts and feel bad about themselves.  But these thoughts are there in order for a person to chase them away and be zoche for teshuva.   So just realize that your current challenges are intended for you to attain teshuvah shleima.  Knowing this can prevent unnecessary hindrances and should invigorate you for eternal growth.

In terms of practical advice:
1. Like Guard says: Daven, Daven and Daven
2. When you get these thoughts, try to learn a bit.  You can read an example of my personal struggles how I used this idea by clicking here.
3. For some people that is not so practical, so the sefer chasidim says (brought down by taharas hakodesh) to just simply talk to someone.  It can be about anything
4. Say the following:סך ספיאן אגזנא קרדינא תקיל פוק פוק דאבוהי קדישא דשבתא הוא which means:"look, I was created from great people, you stumbling block.  Now get out, get out, and do not bring me to think about aveiros".

Keep up the hitbodedut , it takes time to unravel the inner traits that require tikun and figure out how to correct them. 
We love watching you grow!

Ykv,
Thanks for the great post.  I do have one question though.  In my scant knowledge of Hebrew and Yiddish, I have no clue what hirhurei zenus means.

This is referring to your lusts coming back and thinking once again about fulfilling certain fantasies.

R. Nachman says that when these thoughts return to you, even in the middle of davening, do NOT get frantic and nervous. Just calmly push them away as they come. And, as you know, we cannot think 2 thoughts at the same time, so if you try to think on something else, then this "something else" will take the place of these thoughts.
  As Ykv pointed out, this is part of the cleansing process for all of us.
    Don't give up on your hisbodedus. Many great tzadikim claimed that this was the most important thing that brought them to their very high spiritual levels. Thank hashem for you past successes, and plead with him to give you continued success in the future.

Ben wrote on 22 Apr 2009 18:25:


Just to be clearer, hirhurei zenus can be translated as "thought of promiscuity (or immorality)" A zonah is a prostitute, and the word "zenus" is used to refer to sexual immorality of any kind.

First things first: I'm still clean since Erev Chanukah, however many days that is.  I try not to think about the days anymore, so I can focus on the day by day demands of staying clean.  With the warm weather setting in, guarding my eyes is becoming more challenging and more critical to continuing success.  We had an unusual early season heat wave here (temperatures were pushing 90F/32C in my area), and it was becoming very difficult to find a place for my eyes when I was in a public setting.  The heat wave has passed for the time being, so now I have a little time to cogitate on how to step up guarding my eyes.  All in all, this is probably an indication that I haven't been careful enough, even though I have been much more careful in the last four months than any time previously.

I have been physically exhausted a lot lately; and that has been a real two edged sword in the battle.  On one hand, guarding my thoughts is more difficult when I am so tired.  On the other hand, though, I am too tired to act out.  I go to bed and am asleep within a minute or two.  I have also taken on some new physical activity, though not completely by choice.  A few weeks before the High Holidays I injured my shoulder rather significantly.  I put off going to the doctor, but apparently I am no longer so young that I can get away with that.  I've been in physical therapy twice a week for the last five weeks, trying to rebuild my strength in my shoulder, back, and neck.  I did real weight training on Monday, and I have been feeling a fair amount of pain since then.  Advil helps a little, though.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting more.  I feel guilty about that, because I should be participating a lot in this board.  This "place," virtual though it may be, is a significant part of my battle.  It gives me chizuk, and I can give chizuk in return, and so we all grow and are strengthened.  I will try, bli nedar, to spend more time actually posting and not merely reading.

Ben, you are a true hero. Try to avoid triggering places as much as possible... How about the sun-glasses with the lamination idea? 

You might also want to join an SA group. Even though you're doing great, the tools you'll learn there can help you deal with this much better over the long-term - and on for life!

How does the lamination idea work when you are out by yourself?  Can you find your way around the grocery store without help?

I've been starting to seriously consider the SA idea.  I confess that I am quite nervous about the idea, both in the actual going and in how my wife will respond.  Thus far she has been on board with what I'm doing, but we haven't really discussed the idea that I am a "sexaholic." 

Well, you can see vague shapes, but it might be hard when shopping... But you know, all these things are not really the SOLUTION.

As the Alcoholics wrote back in 1939 in AA (p. 101) about how they felt after recovering through the 12-steps...

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief, any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

If you want to really heal for the long term - and properly, the 12-Steps is the answer. Did you see today's Chizuk e-mail? It was a powerful example of how potent this program is.

Don't fear doing what's right. Hashem is with you. He always has been.