i had a fall today. but this wasnt a simple fall. first off, i'm happy to say that i put forth a couple of my techniques to try and fight off the urge. i made sure not to touch unfiltered internet. and when the urge stayed, i even got out of the house to run some errands to keep my mind off of it. but when i got back they came back. i kept at it but eventually gave in. which is pathetic. but i am relieved to see that all i need to do is keep working on these strategies because i've seen that they work. B"H i didnt use unfiltered internet which i consider a bit of a success. but i did find a loophole in my filter, which i've fixed. i guess i just gotta keep on fighting b/c i know with H-shem's help, the results will come.

i hope everyone else's days went well.

hatzlocha rabbah and good shabbos

These days come, I think for everyone, especially for us, who are sick. But you put it well, slowly we get stronger, we get to become methodical -  we are truly looking for the medicine to be sober day by day.
Moments like these reveal much. Every fall painfully reveals more about our sickness and our own self.

Lately I found out, that it helps me, if I really really ask myself nicely. Like you ask someone (your wife, or your mother) who is angry, frustrated, afraid. You ask them very gently and very lovingly. Maybe try to give that love to yourself and ask yourself very gently and lovingly: Please, could you (smile, take out the garbage, say a prayer) - it would mean so much!?

Keep on trucking man!

every second that you pushed it off was a HUGE success no matter how low you fell in the end. every second you pushed it off hashem got true nachas from you.
AND fell shmell, there nothing you can change about the past. but the futre you can fix.
o, and remember ONE day at a time!

the replies mean a lot. B"H things have been good since thursday. i'm actually gonna be away (without internet woohoo!) for the next few days so i report back when i get home. i hope everyone's shabbos went well.

hatzlocha rabbah.

Day 3

back. i was away for a couple days but B"H things went very, very well. I knew it would be a big test with shemiras einayim but i'm happy that i kept my eyes in check. and things are good otherwise. it's ridiculously hot here but otherwise i'm trying to build momentum.

hatzlocha rabbah

day 5

Shlomo wrote on 27 Jul 2011 01:26:


... we are ALL happy very happy for with you!!!!!! 

i'm back. i had a really long week thus far (and an early day tomorrow). i got home from my trip and then (due to a lack of sleep and stressed-outed-ness) just started using the computer. it started out just normal computer use (email, news...etc) but b/c my brain was fried from the long days, i stayed on the computer to long and it went downhill from there. and i had a fall today. it was due to a hole in the filter but i'm contacting the filter gabbai to take care of it.

more than anything these falls are just frustrating. frustrating in the sense that i can seem to figure this issue out. regardless of what i try it seems like the Y"H (or me, i guess both) finds a way to get me to fall. its frustrating because i feel like its the 1 big (i.e. huge) test H-shem is giving me but i can seem to pass this test. at least not yet. obviously this is by no means a waving of the white flag, but just a thought. and one that needs to be stifled and replaced by one of longing for H-shem.

i hope everyone has a good shabbos.

hatzlocha rabba.

gut voch.

shabbos went very well and i'm happy to say 2 days have gone by w/o incident. just checkin in

hatzlocha rabba.

day 2

in the past 4 days, i've had 2 falls. things with fixing a hole in my filter got delayed b/c i didnt have the password. at this point, i'm just not sure what to do with this battle as a hole. i know i need to keep at it but i've been on the GUE forums for over a year a half and it doesnt seem like i'm getting anywhere. its like trying to get from point A to point B but i'm on a treadmill. i feel like no matter what strategy i try, I (not my yetzer hara) always find a way to navigate around it, usually sooner rather than later.

i know that one of my biggest problems is that i find it hard to be perfect and because i feel like i need to be perfect in this area, i become complacent in this area and then fall. i just dont know when its going to end. i've put up a filter but at some point i know i have to make the internal changes. my only problem is that i dont know how to make those changes. thats where my roadblock is.

i've thought a lot about what the root of this issue stems from but i havent been able to find one. B"H my parents were great to me. i never had trouble making friends. i always wonder if it has to do with my non-frum past and the fact that i'm still immersed in that world (and i will be probably until i get married) simply because i live in a non-frum area with a non-frum family. but i feel like thats just making excuses.

back to practicality, i know that days that are tough for me are days where i have a lot of free time or i'm off of work etc. and i try and schedule a busy day for myself but if something deviates from that (e.g. i sleep late aka what happened today) it throws off my day and i give myself every excuse in the world to slack off for the rest of the day.

so i know this rant is a lot to take in (for me especially) and i know that i need to stay focused and always keep my mind on H-shem. and i just need to follow through on my goals in this area. i have to really know (and show) that i want this and i want to get close to H-shem in this area. here are a couple things that i've either posted about in the past or want to get started on.

- keeping my computer at my desk and not checking it more than twice (2 times) a day. no more.
- keeping my door open in general.
-going for a run at least 3 times a week, especially on days when i only have a 4 hour shift or days off
-posting everyday on GUE, whether an update on my own thread or attempting to give someone else chizuk
- read tehillim every day.

i dont think these will be too hard to manage but i know it comes down to how much i want it. and i'll work and daven that i have the desire to follow through with these.

if anyone has any responses, i'd really appreciate it.

thanks for reading 

Dear Shlomo,

You're on the right track--looking for the root of your problem.  I spent many years trying to find the right strategy, always perfecting my defenses to new levels, and always slipping and falling afterwards, in different ways.

So, looking for what's driving us to act out, that's a different story.

But, it need not be such a major revalation that will take years of therapy to undo--never got enough encouragement from my parents, and so therefore I have so self confidence, and therefore I don't believe I can be successful, and therefore... etc etc.

Look for the more immediate causes.  Whoa, I just had a fight with my wife, parents, friends, etc.  And then I was feeling down.  And then I wanted to use the computer and look at schmutz.  Or, I'm worried about my job, and my boss gave me a funny look today and so I'm afraid of being fired etc.  You shouldn't have to look TOO far to find something.

It's the little struggles of life that get us more often than the big issues.  Whenever I have fallen, or whenever I am slipping, I take a closer look at this sort of stuff--what am I missing.  As time goes on, the realizations get deeper, and more subtle.  And, often the problem is because I have become too isolated from other people in my life.

Good luck,

Elyah

thanks for that post, eyenonymous. it was a big pick me up.

B"H today went really well. i started early and got pretty much everything done that i needed to. i went running for the first time in a couple of weeks (not that i had been trying to keep a schedule, though now i am) and learning went well.

i guess after thinking about it more, it really comes down to focus. i notice that when im lazy i lack focus (and the reverse) so it just comes down to trying to maintain a hold on my day. if i can manage that, i think i'll be in good shape. now i just have to do that  :o

day 1.

back from a long day at work but B"H things went well. even though i had the morning free, i managed to stay very focused and learned well.

day 2

Shloimeh, you are a truly honest man.  Rugged, to take a year and a half of frustration.  I don't know how you do it.  You must really really love Hashem. 

I hope you find some peace.  I hope Hashem comes and shows you how to do this in a really simple way.  Simple.  Not easy.

Hatzlocho!

Hey Shlomo,

I wasn't on the site for a while and I read your last few posts. I think that we are all (all males trying to control P&M) in the same boat and feel the same way.

You really summed it up.




I feel exactly the same way. I tried TAPHSIC, the DC 12 step program, GYE 90 day count, Davening, Partners/Sponsors etc. and it kills me when I go right back to square one (after a fall) especially when my fall results in a free fall for several weeks.

That being said, we are trying. It always amazes me that we can't overcome this (especially since we want to stop so badly) but this is obviously as you wrote


Whenever I fall and feel that this battle is not working, I try to remember the diet mashal.
Nobody keeps their diet 100% of the time. However, people that keep it most of the time start loosing weight, perhaps not as quickly as they'd like , but they end up loosing the weight eventually. These people will have a harder time keeping the weight off but as long as they keep to their diet most of the time, they will be okay. I think that this struggle is similar, we have to aim for perfection but we must always remember that there is no perfection for the time being (believing otherwise is insanity) that being said, if we succeed more than we don't the trend is positive and we will reach the results that we want eventually (with hashems help). 

Much success and have an easy fast

shalom aleichem.

i had a fall erev tisha b'av but since a rough day then, i've tried to stay on top of my game. i've tried simply following through with everything that i do with regards to this area, especially with computer use. things have been good and i'm just trying to stay busy and making sure that i have back up plans for free time.

and late afternoon on tisha b'av i saw a beautiful rainbow from my house. birthpangs of moshiach. oh we're so close.

i hope everyone's fast was meaningful. hatzlocha rabbah.

Day 3