Our Landlord came to collect his monthly rent from my daddy. He met my brother who told him, "Sir, my daddy said that you should come back on Tuesday". The Landlord said, "But why should I come back on Tuesday of all days?" My brother replied, "I don't know, but we are packing out on Monday."

Two dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter:
"My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
"I know."
"How?"
"My dog told me."

One day, I went to an office,I noticed a man displayed his wife's pictures all over his office; his laptop, phone, table, chair, fridge, cup, his wife's pictures were everywhere in the office.I walked up to him and said, "You really love your wife sir. Every man should emulate you."The man looked at me and said, "My brother, you don't understand, with my wife's pictures hanging everywhere, there's no work in this office I cannot do. Anytime I am faced with a serious work, a very challenging task, I will look at the pictures and I will say to myself, "If I can handle this woman, then this job is a small job."

Man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
Man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden,
Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replied.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful
animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'Woman' for you."

"What's a 'Woman', Lord?"

"This 'Woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you
want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know
your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival
that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you," replied the heavenly voice.

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I
get for a rib?"

And that's how modern woman was created.One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden,
Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replied.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful
animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'Woman' for you."

"What's a 'Woman', Lord?"

"This 'Woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you
want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know
your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival
that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you," replied the heavenly voice.

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I
get for a rib?"

And that's how modern woman was created.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered.
"You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away."See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now you see why it's important to learn a foreign language."

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook
his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he
said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775."
"Very Good"! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? "
Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do".
She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke".
The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991"
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this! "
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. if you say anything I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in Big trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003"

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her mother. "Mom," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said her mother, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Oh, it was just a wrong number," replied the girl.

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft Chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Mark'"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Mark" he said.
I replied, "Get lost, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office.
He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"

The brain surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.
"You have the choice of two brains," he told the patient. "For $1000 you can have the brain of a Astronaut, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a Politician."
The patient was so much amazed at the huge difference in price.
"Is the brain of a politician that much better?"he asked.
The brain surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused."