An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. 
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

For all you country goers, things to do at Wal-Mart while your wife is taking her sweet time:

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares..... and see what happens.

4.  Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5.  Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6.  Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7.  When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

8.  Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.

9.  While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti- depressants are.

10.  Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ""Mission
Impossible"" theme.

11.  Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say ""PICK ME!""
""PICK ME!""

12.  When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream ""NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!""

( And; last, but not least!)

13.  Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
yell, very loudly, ""There is no toilet paper in here!""

The doctor gave Morrie six months to live. Morrie couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.



The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." She answered, "So did my arthritis!"



A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk said, "Okay, let's get started."



The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.



Bernie called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not so good," said his mother. "I'm very weak."
Bernie asked, "Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you call."





Melvin came home from school and told his mother he has a part in the play.
She asked, "What part is it?"
He replied, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

After a mile-long chase, a man is pulled over for speeding on a highway in Alabama. The cop comes to the car and taps on the window.

"Sir, do you know that you were speeding?"

"Yes."

"May I have your license, please, sir?"

"No, my license is suspended."

"Sir, open up the glove compartment and hand me the registration for the car."

"I can't. The car is stolen and there is a gun in there."

"Do you have a license for the gun?"

"No, but I used it to kill the white woman in the trunk."

The cop pulls out his gun, shouts, "Don't move," and radios for backup. Two minutes later, thirteen cop cars surround the man. The sergeant comes over and asks the man in the car the same questions.

"Sir, may I have your driver's license, please?"

The man pulls out his license.

"This is your car?"

"Yes."

"The car is not stolen?"

"Absolutely not."

"So, I suppose there is no gun in the glove compartment and no white woman's body in the trunk?"

"Of course not."

"Sir, do you know that this officer just told me you were driving with a suspended license in a stolen car with an unregistered gun that you used to kill a white woman whose body is in your trunk?"

"Oh, really? I bet he told you I was speeding, too."

The driver gets pulled over and the cop swaggers over and says with a smirk, "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85mph in a 30mph zone?....I've been waiting for you aaaaallllll day."

Driver: "Well, I got here as quickly as I could."

There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought
with classmates, made a lot of noise…

The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.

He decided to tell the father about his son’s behavior.

Father: “What do you want me to do?”

Teacher: “Maybe take him for a check-up.”

Father: “How is that going to help?”

Te acher: “Maybe the child should take Ritalin (a calming drug).”

Father: “How am I going to get this Ritalin?”

Teacher: “No problem, I’ll get it, and the child should take the pill
every morning and everything will be o.k....”

Father: “Who is going to remember to give it to the child every day in
a house full of children?”

Teacher: “I’ll worry about it. I’ll make sure he takes it every morning.”

Father: “But I don’t want the whole class to know about it.”

Teacher: “No, no, I’ll make sure that no one sees. I’ll put the pill
in the teacher’s room next to the coffee machine. Every morning I’ll
send your son to make my coffee and at the same time he’ll take his
pill. Like this no one will know.”

The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the
pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few
minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went
fine.

And now the atmosphere in the class was calm. The child wasn’t sent
out of class and there were no fights!

After a few weeks, the mother asked the child: “Nu, what’s doing in class?”

Child: “Great!”

Mother: “What happened that everything’s so good?”
Child: “It’s very simple. Every morning the teacher sends me to make
his coffee. I go into the teacher’s room and there there’s a special
pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink
it, everything in the class is 100%!!!”

Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
"We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting,
"You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"

אברך יר"ש ות"ח (וזה רק מקצת השבח...)
יאמר לזכותכם פרק שירה 40 יום רצוף בגן החיות כשכל פסוק יאמר מול החיה המתאימה.

מחירים נוחים.
הנחות לקבוצות.

[quote="ur-a-jew" link=topic=1065.msg111113#msg111113 date=1310503008]
gibbor120 wrote on 12 Jul 2011 20:16:


ועל זה נאמר, אשרי מי שלמדו אביו תורה

no  but seriously, it gives yeshivish a bad name.

שמעו ותחי נפשכם

for those allergic to corn these are full of it

How do you make an egg roll? Push it.

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? He didnt have the guts.

Why did they bury the Indian at the top of the hill? Because he was dead.

The invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

I went to buy some camouflage pants but couldnt find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

A sandwich walked into a bar. Sorry said the bartender we're not allowed to serve food here.

A man with a gun ran into a bank. 'Give me your money otherwise you're geography' he shouted.
'Dont you mean history' said the bank clerk? 'Stop changing the subject' he snarled.

They opened a new restaurant on the moon. The food was great, the views were panaromic, but there was no atmosphere.

One cannibal said to another 'your wife makes a great stew'. 'I know, I'm gonna miss her' he replied.

courtesy of Yeshivaworld

anodder vun:

Artie was going thru tough financial times.
He decided to resort to crime.
Artie hid out in the back of the local A&P store, and when an unsuspecting person came by, Artie strangled him.
Unfortunately, the victim had no cash in his pockets, so Artie hid once again and waited for his next victim.
Soon enough, another shopper came by, and Artie strangled him, too.
His bad luck held, though. The second victim only had $1, and a witness spotted the crime and called the police.
Artie was arrested.

The next day, it was front-page news in the local press:
"Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar at the A&P"

Things were peaceful in sleepy Alphabet Town, where crime was all-but-unheard of.
Each day, Mr. A ran his grocery store, Mr. B his dry-cleaners, Mr. C his shoe repair and so on.

One night, their bucolic existence was interrupted. Henri Blanc and Marcel Rouge, two violent members of the Saychellian Mafia, escaped from prison and hid somewhere within the Alphabet Town shopping district.

The storekeepers were afraid to open their businesses the next day; who knew which store the escapees might be hiding in?
Finally, Mr. P (actually Captain P, the police chief, natch) came up with a brilliant idea. He assumed (correctly) that the bandits wouldn’t break into the pet store where they might be bitten, so he borrowed a bloodhound from their canine department, set it on the trail of the escapees, and in short order tracked them down to the shop in which they were hiding - Mr. Z’s sporting goods emporium.

The skeptical officers with him asked if he was positive that the bloodhound wasn’t mistaken.
“Of course I am!” he exclaimed “She smells Seychelles at the Z store!”

Marry Poppins goes into a hotel and orders cauliflauer and eggs for breakfast. The next morning as she was leaving the clerk asks her if she can leave some feedback for the hotel. She scribbles something and leaves. The clerk leans over to read the note and saw the response- "Supercauliflauertreesbuteggswerequiteatrocious!"