ZemirosShabbos wrote on 14 Oct 2010 19:17:

worth repeating

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, ''we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.''
''Oh, I understand,'' said the visitor. ''A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.''
''No.'' said the Director, ''A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?''
_{(Hobie on Recoveryrealm.com)}

A MAN DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.  THE ANGEL ASKED, "WHAT DENOMINATION ARE YOU?"
AND THE MAN SAID "I DON'T BELONG HERE, I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.'  THE ANGEL SAID, "WELL, WE DON'T MAKE MISTAKES, YOU BELONG HERE, LET'S JUST WALK AROUND AND YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU'D LIKE TO STAY."

SO THEY WALKED DOWN THE HALL, AND THE ANGEL OPENED A DOOR AND THERE WERE ALL THESE PEWS WITH PEOPLE KNEELING AND PRAYING AND CROSSING THEMSELVES. 
"WHO ARE THEY?" ASKED THE MAN.
"THOSE ARE THE CATHOLICS, "ANSWERED THE ANGEL.
"WELL,  I DON'T WANT TO STAY THERE," SAID THE MAN AND THEY WALKED ON DOWN THE HALL.

THE ANGEL OPENED THE NEXT DOOR, AND THERE WERE ALL THESE PEWS WITH PEOPLE SITTING IN THEM STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD.
"WHO ARE THEY?" ASKED THE MAN.

"THOSE ARE THE PROTESTANTS," ANSWERED THE ANGEL.
"WELL, I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE," SAID THE MAN, AND THEY WALKED ON DOWN THE HALL.

THE NEXT ROOM THEY WENT INTO, THE MAN SMELLED COFFEE AS SOON AS THE DOOR OPENED.  THE MAN LOOKED INSIDE AND THERE WERE ALL THESE PEOPLE LAUGHING AND HUGGING EACH
OTHER.  HE WATCHED THEM STAND IN A CIRCLE AND SAY THE SERENITY PRAYER.

THE MAN SAID, "I LIKE THESE PEOPLE, WHO ARE THEY?"
THE ANGEL SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS AND SAID,  "I DON'T KNOW, THEY WON'T TELL US."
_{(Hobie on Recoveryrealm.com)}

Step 1: I had an "Old Clunker" parked in the driveway. I had just about given up on it, but decided to make a whole hearted attempt to restore it. Step 2: I couldn't fix it, but I came to believe someone could. Step 3: I turned the car over to a mechanic. Step 4: I took an inventory of all that was wrong with the "Old Clunker." Step 5: I shared the inventory with the mechanic. Step 6: I helped take off the old parts. Step 7: I let the mechanic handle the rest. Step 8: We made a list of all the parts that were needed, and got together and went over them. Step 9: I admitted I hadn't checked the oil and fluids properly, or fixed the other things that were going wrong. It was my responsibility to take care of the car, and I had not. I wanted to help, but being unfamiliar with the process, I allowed the mechanic to fix things. The car turned out beautifully! Step 10: I checked the oil, fluids, tires etc. more regularly, and when I didn't the engine didn't hummmmm. Step 11: I called on the mechanic whenever there was trouble, asking him to fix the car. Step 12: That mechanic and I had become such close friends... we decided to take a trip across the country, and stopped to help all that needed it along the way.
_{(BenH on Recoveryrealm.com)}

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
_{(Larry on Recoveryrealm.com)}

Is this for depressed persons?

(Or for Yechida's wonderful collection?)

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head..'

10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

12. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

13. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
himpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli:  'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..' 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT-WING ISRAELI  ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

All Yeshivas would love to have Bin Laden's kids! No cell phones, no Internet! Mother dressed Tznius & the father had a loads of cash!
from Turxjokes

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 09 May 2011 13:53:

This is funny
but disturbingly true

  BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY  THE CENTURY           

This took  place  in Charlotte North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box 
of  very  rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among 
  other  things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire  stockpile 
of these  great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim  against the insurance 
  company.  In his claim, the  lawyer stated the cigars were  lost 'in a series of
small  fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the  obvious 
reason,  that the man had consumed the cigars in the  normal fashion. The 
lawyer sued  and WON! (Stay with  me.)

  Delivering the ruling,  the judge agreed with the insurance company  that
the claim  was  frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer 
held  a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the 
  cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure  them
against  fire, without defining what is considered to be  unacceptable 
'fire' and  was obligated to pay the claim. Rather  than endure lengthy 
and costly  appeal process, the insurance  company accepted the ruling and 
paid  $15,000 to the lawyer for  his loss of the cigars that perished in 
the  'fires.'     

NOW FOR THE  BEST PART  ...           
After the  lawyer  cashed the check, the insurance company had him 
arrested on  24  counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and 
  testimony  from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was
  convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and  was 
sentenced  to 24 months in jail and a $24,000  fine.

   
This true  story won First  Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award  Contest.       

ONLY IN    AMERICA - NO WONDER THE REST  OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE  NUTS. 

quite clever, but they say the story is a hoax - www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

oops... Ok. I guess good enough for a "Depressed person" : :

Certainly. Definitely passes as a joke - and a good one at that!