A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven.  Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her.
 
She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Mary, if this were possible.  Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.
 
He knocks softly.  There's a murmured reply from within.  He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting.
 
The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question.  Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions.
 
"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women, you--a simple woman, I know--but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when <...> was born?"
 
With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel."
 
 
 
(For the Yiddish-impaired: "Well, I was really hoping for a girl.")

Very, very funny. Thanks I needed that badly, Zemmy!

happy to oblige!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you..
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I
am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card -It's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home !

Easier said than done

Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."

Don’t be so cheap

A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend to me that I don’t want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws $200 in $20 bills into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that," and he also throws $200 in bills into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both are. I’m ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him $1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.

The famous writer
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium.  When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"
"A check," replies the official.

Calculating your age
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re over 60."
"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I’m not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses  .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

Perfect?
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the Hilton. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Apple serving suggestion
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!"

Isn’t marriage wonderful?

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
“I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.”
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman.  Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?  Because they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in Brent Cross and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: "Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

The problem with Jewish Food
Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again"

All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some Gentile jokes:

A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket.  How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's $500."
The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it." 

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Two gentiles meet on the street.
The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you?  How's it going?"
The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!" 

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Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):  "My son is a truck driver!" 

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A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting  me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK." 

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A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.
The man says:  "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee." 
The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says, "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you." 

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A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling?  Do you need anything?"
She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."