נהרא נהרא ופשטיה

Chanukah story

Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops!

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

A collection of Funny Geek quotes / Computer jokes


    * There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
    * If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
    * I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
    * My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
    * Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
    * In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
    * Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
    * I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
    * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
    * The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
    * A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
    * Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
    * A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
    * The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
    * UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
    * Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
    * C://dos
      C://dos.run
      run.dos.run
    * JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
    * 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 4 l1fe
    * Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
    * How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    * There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
    * Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
    * It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
    * Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
    * The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
    * Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
    * The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
    * If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
    * COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
    * Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
    * LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
    * The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
    * Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
    * boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
    * We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
    * Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
    * If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
    * Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
    * Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
    * Unrecognized input, get out of the class
    * Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
    * WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
    * Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
    * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
    * Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
    * Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
    * BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
    * I survived an NT installation
    * The name is Baud......James Baud
    * My new car runs at 56Kbps
    * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
    * File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
    * Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
    * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
    * Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    * Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
    * Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
    * RAM disk is not an installation procedure
    * Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
    * The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
    * Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
    * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
    * Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
    * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    * Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
    * Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
    * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
    * Press every key to continue
    * Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
    * Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
    * Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
    * To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
    * (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
    * Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
    * (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
    * Computers can never replace human stupidity
    * A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
    * Bugs come in through open Windows
    * Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
    * Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
    * Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
    * To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
    * Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
    * FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
    * Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
    * Black holes are where God divided by zero
    * Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
    * Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
    * Zap! And there was the blue screen !
    * Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
    * MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
    * A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
    * PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
    * 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
    * 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
    * Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
    * If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
    * A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
    * "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
    * Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
    * Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
    * Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
    * Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
    * Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
    * Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
    * Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
    * All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
    * You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
    * Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
    * Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
    * Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
    * Shut up, or i'll flush you out
    * Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
    * We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
    * You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
    * I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
    * Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
    * Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
    * If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
    * Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
    * My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
    * You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
    * Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
    * I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
    * Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
    * What color do you want that database?
    * C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
    * As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
    * earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
    * A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
    * Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
    * Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
    * NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
    * Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
    * NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
    * JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
    * How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
    * Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
    * root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
    * New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
    * Quake and uptime do not like each other
    * Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
    * As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
    * Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
    * Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
    * How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
    * I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
    * Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
    * It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
    * Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
    * Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
    * Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
    * I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
    * You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
    * C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

Oy, vei.

David/Rage wrote on 17 Feb 2011 20:01:


Seven. One for the batter, and two for the paddle.

"Mezuzah!"
 
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself 
face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I 
have a few words with you?" asked the priest.
 
"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat 
nervously.
 
"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to 
you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. 
Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock 
coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house 
has been broken into.. On the other hand, I have 
noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly 
as much."
 
"Father, you are correct."
 
"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.
 
"Look at this little box here on the side of my door 
post," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuzah. We 
Jews believe that when we put a mezuzah on the 
entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name 
be blessed, protects both us and our property."
 
"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"
 
Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, 
the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the 
priest.
 
Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by 
the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. 
Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the 
stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.
 
"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice 
on the other side. Leaving the door on the chain, the 
Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest 
standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great  distraught.
 
"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you
not protected from robbers?"
 
"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" 
screamed the priest.
 
"Who?" asked the rabbi.
 
"Fund-raisers!!!"

LOL!!!

Zem that was really necessary.

Thanks.

The genie

Sadie is walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.
She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" Sadie asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!" POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my Mercedes," replied the woman.
"Next wish?" "I'd love a million bucks," replied the woman.
POOF! One million bucks appeared at her feet.
"Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice has TWO million bucks," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the woman.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The woman thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"

Haha. cute.

Three wishes

A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewelery. When they replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."

JEWISH PERSONAL ADS

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.

Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.

The visit

Becky's grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?

Breaking News:
Israeli President Shimon Peres has invited Hosni Mubarak
for Pesach to celebrate together the exodus from Egypt.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

wow I haven't seen you people in ages!

It's nice to see everyone is still alive an well.  Back from wherever we all went to, and still growing/working/trying.

BTW I'm actually married...
        I'll take everyone's silence as a "mazel tov"  "Binyan Adei Ad"  and all those wonderfull brachos