11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping .. . . . ..

Ish chasid haya....

the question we all have is which chasid is he?
how can we figure this out?
check hechsher he eats?
no. Bli mazon umichya.
check the levush? no. Vain beged lilbosh
Ger? no. Dibra lo ha'isha
yoser ain lehisya'asho. Must be Breslov...

One thing for sure, in end of the story the guy had a huge house! Just see what the pics are in the lvng room, see if that helps

Customer:    'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
                  can you help?'
Operator:      'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:    'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:    'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:    'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that   
                    I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and 
                    telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                    number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:        'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:    'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:            'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:            'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:            'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:            'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                        you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.  So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:        'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator:        'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:        'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:        'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:        'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:        'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:        'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:        'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator:        'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:        'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                        Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:              'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                        the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor:        'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                        plugged into the wall..
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:        'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                        there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller:              'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                        find the other cable.'
Caller:              'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                        the back of your computer..'
Caller:              'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:              'No..'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:              'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:              'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                        coming in from the window.'
Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:              'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:              'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:          'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it 
                          licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and 
                          packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator:          'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it 
                          up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
                          the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:          'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:          'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

I just want to share with you all that the jokes here helped lift me out of the blahs, lo aleinu....and they are really fantastic jokes, too!

Thanks from me, from my wife and even from the kids that live here!!!

Sorta saw that coming...but not really.

Nice.

Comments made in the year
1955!
(That's 55 years ago!)


'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible
To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '

'When I first started driving,
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
dang in GONE WITH THE WIND, 
It seems every new movie has either HELL or dang in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in    Texas  .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. 
They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
I see where a few married women are having to work
to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone
To watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going to Lincoln
or  Omaha anymore for a weekend,
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Gourmet food

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

The yiddish speaker

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Kol Nidre night

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

Come & get me!
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

Internal Revenue Service

Rabbi Rabinovitz  answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate ?10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

The convert

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

If Microsoft were Jewish:

1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?"
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is multi-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its  "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state,  your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles".

The school teacher’s prize

Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give ?50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the ?50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."

The dog

Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"

The thinker

After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,

    This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
    I'm the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.
    Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
    But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
    But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
    Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
    What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".

Seder warning

Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

New cheese factory

Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

The old lady
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies.


The last meal
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."

Is a cucumber longer or greener?



Greener. It is long only on its length, while it is green all around!

_{(In The Spider's Web )}

shteig away!

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 08 Nov 2010 16:27:

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 17 Feb 2011 19:29:



Which one is better?  ;D