BELIEVE it or not -  These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is ..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it...

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

____________________________________________________________

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
_____________________________________________________________

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
_________________________________________________________________________

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
_________________________________________________________________________

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.


New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

I just got ticked off at my ISP (Etrog by Rimon) 'cause it routinely blocks some of the archived items here on the site (not to mention SA and some Israeli organization which has a link here on the holiest site in Cyber-world). So I google translated the Hebrew warning that popped up (I got a kick out of it):

Dear Customer,
Request, this page is blocked for viewing because it contents are not worthy.
Welcome
Content Control Team
Web Grenade (original text: אינטרנט רימון)

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Now i'm happy again

Rage, Get this:

Yankel Miller says:

I got sick and tired of my Satmar friends insisting that there is only one Satmar Rebbe. Our conversations were so predictable and boring.

I'd ask my friend the Zaaloini, "Come on, you know that there are two Satmar Rebbes!"

He'd say, "You don't know vat you're talking about it, there's only von not two!".

I'd ask my friend the Aharoni, "Come on, you know that there are two Satmar Rebbes!"

He'd say, "You don't know vat you're talking about it, there's only von not two!".

So the next time i tried a new tactic, I waited till they were standing within six feet of each other and said:

"Hey, Yoeli! Right there's three Satmar Rebbes?"

Didn't bat an eyelash before they both shot back indignantly....

"Vatchu talking about it, dear's only TWO you oisvorf #$@!^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Nuff said, ran for my life.

P.S. Sorry for the syereotypical spelling, I'm really not like that and neither are some of them. But when typed in the First Lady's (Hey! I'm American, not British -OKAY! the Queen's -now are you Briton's happy?) English, it loses it's whole ta'am in translation!

?    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

?    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

?    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

?    War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

?    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  it in a fruit salad.

?    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

?    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

?    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

?    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. My desk is a work station.

?    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

?    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

?    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

?  I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

?    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

?    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

?    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

?    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

?

?    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

?    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

?    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!

?    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it  back.

?    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a  way that you will look forward to the trip.

?    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

?    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

?    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

?    Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they  go.

?    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

?    I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

?    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

?    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

?    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

?    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

?    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it.

?    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Kupat hair is recomending a segula to dress btznius forty days. If you cant do it yourself you can hire a lady in meah shearim for a donation of 180

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your

computer history if you die.

  2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize

you're wrong.

  3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

younger.

  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure

I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the

person died.

  9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

  10. Bad decisions make good stories.

  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the

rest of the day.

  12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if

I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did

not make any changes to.

  13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -

ever.

  14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?)

, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to

voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run

away?

  15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing

anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

  16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.

  17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

  18. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than

take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

  19. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to

finish a text.

  20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and

hunger.

  21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and

smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

  22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to

prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and

sisters!

  23. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.

  24. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's

happened. I'm starting to think that my car  just wants attention.

  25. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

  26. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I

hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

  27. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

  28. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each

other?

  29. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me,

would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

  30. Chocolate is not a treat, it is a food group.

  31. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos

should be called Diet Oreos.

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
  2.. President of the largest gas company?
  3. President of the New York  stock Exchange?
  4. Greatest wheat speculator?
  5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
  6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
 
  Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
 



The Answers:


1.. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide



However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:


Forget work.
Play golf.   

    The Secret of a Long Jewish Marriage:
    _
    At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the
    community. Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they
    attend together. At the men's seminar last week, the rabbi asked
    Schlomo about his marriage. Schlomo replied that he had been married
    for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and
    asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
    had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Schlomo replied to the assembled husbands, "Now, I've tried to treat
    her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her
    on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to
    Israel for our 25th anniversary!"

    The rabbi responded, "Schlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all
    the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your
    wife for your 50th anniversary?"

    Schlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               

Senior Wedding Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:    "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were  people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

LESSONS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me there's a time and place for everything: "If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning the house."

My mother taught me religion: "You had better pray that the stuff you spilled will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear. You never know when you might be in an accident and be taken to the hospital."

My mother taught me control: "Keep laughing and I will give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth, and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about being a contortionist: "Look at the back of your neck. It's filthy."

My mother taught me about stamina: "You will sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about weather: "Your room looks like it was hit by a tornado."

My mother taught me about straight talk: "If I told you once, I told you a million times, don't exaggerate."

My mother taught me self-control: "Don't go near the cake. I made it for my bridge club."

My mother taught me about behavior modification: "Please stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me it is more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

My mother taught me the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

My mother taught me a closed mouth gathers no foot.

My mother taught me that some days you are the bug and other days you are the windshield.

My mother taught me never to test the depth of the water with both feet.

My mother taught me if you always tell the truth, you won't have to remember what you said and to whom.