www.basicjokes.com/
clean site and some funny stuff
enjoy

Thoughts for a Day
1. Birds of a feather flock together and ***** on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

guard can we put a copy of this on break free also as a sticky
nobody visits this board

Uri wrote on 15 Oct 2009 22:13:
Dear Rabeinu G -

Having no idea how you put those "Admin's favorite quotes from Dov" thing on the bottom of my pages, can you please put this quote there too, but from Uri, of course....I sort of love it a bit, kind of... ;D

Thanks for being a real friend.

- him

Okay last night I got a little drunk at a friend's engagement party and I had several good lines.

I met the kallah's bubbie and was shmoozing her up for over an hour.
I asked her where she lives and she named a city in NY.
A bit later,I was shmoozing with her grandpa and asked him where he lives.
He named the same city in NY.
I dragged him over to where bubbie was sitting and said
"You guys should have alot to talk about.You live in the same exact city!"


This guy who I don't usually get along with walked over to me when I was drunk and said to me
"You know,Uri,I like you much more when you're drunk."
I replied:
"You know,I like you much more when I'm drunk too!"

Just sharing...

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Two old friends, a Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's
annual 4th of July picnic.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand
why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you
going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The usher greeted her
at the door. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really
boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother." she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good." he answered.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets
wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on
his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

Uri, LOL. exactly how drunk were you????
and trying- if you don't get to bed in the next 5 min i'm gonna get really mad.
and i am going to follow up on you.
> >
see how angry you made me!

haha . ur just jealous I'm having fun. What r u doing up???

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you !'

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that she was hurting everywhere.
'Impossible !' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting !
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO !' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF !'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space !'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon !'
The Blonde said, 'So what ? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up !' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night !'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it ?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off ?'

I have it on good authority that TrYiNg happens to be a blonde.
This joke is for you then.

A blonde who is speeding is pulled over by a cop, who also happens to be blonde.
The cop saying "Let me see your liscense"
The blonde responds "Sure.What is a liscense?"
"It's a squarish thing that has your face on it."
The blonde looks around her bag and pulls out her mirror. She takes a look at it, sees her face, and hands it to the cop.
The cop glances at it.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a cop also.Go ahead."

An American, an English chap, and a Chinese guy were in a boat crash and got stranded on a desert island.
Taking action,the American said:
"I'll look for food. You, Winston, find shelter. And Ming, you're in charge of supplies."
After an hour, the American returned to the spot with food.
The British guy came soon after with news of a cave.
They waited for the Chinese guy for another couple hours.
He still didn't return.
After another couple hours, the Chinese guy still hadn't come back,and they decided to just leave to the cave.
Right as they were walking out, the Chinese guy suddenly jumped out of the bushes...
"Suplize!!!"

Oh brother :

Looks like TryinG swallowed a Blond joke book over shabbos.

Funny ones thou. nice selection.

A blond walks into a library goes over to the librarian & asks out loud for 3 slices & Fries to go please! To which the librarian replies, Ummm Excuse me, but this is a library!

Oh! says the blond whispering, can I have 3 slices & a fries to go?

----------------

A blond sitting in a bar watching the 6 o'clock news when they show a guy just about to jump off a bridge.

The guy sitting next to her says he we bet $20 that the guy will Jump!
The Blond says she will bet $20 that he won't jump!

A few minutes pass & he jumps. The blond takes out $20 & hands it over.

The guy says Neh! I can't take it because I saw it on the 5 o'clock news already so I knew. To which the blonde replies, I saw it too on the 5 o'clock news, just didn't think he would jump again!

A guy gets pulled over and the cop saunters over to his window, bends over and says with a big smile: "Sir, you were doing 92 in a 35mph zone. I've been waiting for you allllllll day!"
The driver responded: "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

An 87 year old guy gets pulled over by the cops for doing 96 in a 65MPH zone.

The 87 year old guy begs the cop to let him go before he forgets were he was heading.

A cop pulls over an old lady doing 37MPH in a 75MPH speed zone.

The cop explains that it can be even more dangerous then speeding and asks why she was going so slow.

So the old lady point to the sign on the road that says "37".

The cop tells her, well that's the name of the high way, "Rt.37".

The cop looks in the back seat & sees another 2 old ladies white like a ghost & asks them what's wrong?!

To what they replied, "Well we just got off route 139"