i second the 'aint no docta', reb JIP you are like the Energizer battery on the forum, pumping everybody up with chizuk and kind words. do not underestimate yourself.

btw, i think you need to upgrade your name to Jew In Paradise or Jew In Progress, or Jew In Perpetualmotion

I opened up a can of those little fish just the other day and I couldn't believe it--they were packed in like sardines!

  --Eye.

I originally wanted to become a dentist, but I figured it would be like pulling teeth.

  --Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 02 Nov 2010 16:41:


I didn't know you majored in flossify! ;D :

Just for the record, that was very funny, Kedusha. Really.

Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation (bikur cholim), was out making her rounds on a Sunday morning visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas across the street from the Methodist church. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Becky was on the way to see another patient and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she kept had handy for needy patients.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan - which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers - back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, the Pastor and a deacon who'd come out of the church together watched from across the street.  The deacon turned to the Pastor and said:

"If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism."

Frumfiend The star wrote on 02 Nov 2010 15:02:


That was funny!

except you is u.

This whole thread is becoming a riot.

Only if you are Jewish (or very friendly with Jews and therefore intuitively understand the Jewish mind) will you understand this reasoning:
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally
granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn't look like a
peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the
only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh, wait!
Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't
need special permission to go to Samvet. But why would he travel to Samvet?

He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many
Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two - the Bernsteins and the
Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, so such a nice
looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only
daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then
which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it
must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if
I'm not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he
must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is
Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special
status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the
University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Not at all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."

GEVALDIGGEH GE'ONOS!!!

Wow! Chazak! Great to see your name up in lights again!!

...where is that cute little weight-lifter guy in your avatar?

dov wrote on 10 Nov 2010 01:12:

Thank you!

I think I like warm and fuzzy better for now, but will reconsider.

I deleted that post and think the next ones are better.

Copied from somewhere on the internet.

Better Boycott

A Rabbi is walking down the street in New York when he is shocked by a sign hanging in front of a building.

The sign reads, "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 HAMAS TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE ISRAELI".

Enraged, the Rabbi walks up to the building to go inside and yell at the owners, but he is stopped by a smaller sign saying, "THE CHEVRA
KADISHA" (Hebrew Burial Society).




The Mohle

"Poppa," the little Jewish boy says, "Why does the Mohle have alarm clocks in his shop window??".
His Poppa replies, "nu!!! vot else should he have there?!"




No parking place

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"




Who will be the lucky one?

Rivka goes to her rabbi for advice. "Rabbi," she says. "Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry me, and I have to pick...Who will the lucky one be?" The rabbi looked at her and replied, "Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one.




The Jewish car of the future

In the future, a rabbi makes a car. This car doesn't run on fuel, it runs on judaic belief. And to start this car you must say "Baruch Hashem" (Praise g-d), the faster you say it the faster the car goes. And the word to stop the car is "Amen".
So one day, a very spacey college student gets into his car and starts chanting "Baruch hashem, baruch hashem, baruch hashem..." the car speeds up and gets faster and faster. Soon the student realizes that he is heading towards a cliff, he desperatley struggles to remember the word and finally remembers.
The second before he goes off, he says "Amen!" and the car stops.
He sighs in relief, and says "Baruch hashem"...




Lost in an Island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sveetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oiy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque," she says.
"Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month?" he asks.
"Oiy, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't sent zat vun either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, vy did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"




Rabbi and his wife

Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house.
The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize.
His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him.
He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1." 

Iranian Nights

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

matzav.com/video-the-kollel-check-is-toolow-party

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. An architect
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

doesn't this belong in the Shalom bayis thread?  8)