THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER…





Dear Wife,
 
I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.
 
These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
 
Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore

a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
 
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.
 
Your EX-Husband
 
PS:  Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a nice day.
 
****************************************************************
 
Dear Ex-Husband,
 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been..

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work.
 
I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
 
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 5 years ago.
 
About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
 
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
 
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.
 
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!
 
PS:  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.

I like jokes where I don't have to think too much!

Major league "Oy Vey!"

once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
--Henny Youngman



Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts,

God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
--Mel Brooks




The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar
a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
--Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in
Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
--Lenny Bruce


The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us
nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
--Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
--Sam Levenson

God will pardon me.. It's His business.
--Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I
had lost exactly two weeks.
--Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
--Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
--Sam Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
--Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
--Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
--Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
--George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
--Mort Sahl

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
--Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
--Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
--George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
--Henry Kissinger

deep and funny. very yechidish humor!

How To Plant Your Garden

First, you Come to the garden alone,
                        while the dew is still on the roses....

 
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING,
          PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

1. Peace of mind
                2. Peace of heart
                                3. Peace of  soul
 
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3.. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:

1. Turnip for meetings
    2. Turnip for service
                        3. Turnip to help one another 


TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:

1. Thyme for each other
                  2.. Thyme for family
                              3. Thyme for friends
 
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE.. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU  SOW.

For all who work with rude customers, shame WE can not actually do this.  An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service.  A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenient travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight", and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS.

The attendant replied, "I am sorry, sir.  I will be happy to try to help you, but I have got to help these people first", and I am sure we will be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM."

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:  "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began and her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS."  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant.

Gritted his teeth and said, "Go to Hell!!"  Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this part).

"I am sorry, sir, but you will have to get in line for that too."

any fool proof way to overcome depression

don't know about being fool-proof but you can try these:

1. medication
2. Likutei Moharan
3. GYE Forum
4. Woodford



i don't know if there is any fool-proof way

i think i will go with # 2

the rest are too danger for me

jewinpain wrote on 01 Nov 2010 21:15:


If it's clinical depression, professional help and/or medication may be necessary.  There are dietary supplements that might be helpful as well.

Otherwise, having the right attitude can make a big difference.  Remember, those who are starving are too worried where their next meal will come from to be depressed.  Those whose lives are in danger are too busy dodging bullets to be depressed.  Those who put in 12-hour days of hard labor are either too busy or too tired to be depressed.  If you're not in any of these situations, does it make sense to be grateful to HKB"H or to be depressed?

how do u determine whether its clinical or stam lazyness depression
i am very gratefull to hashem for all he has done to me, especially in bringing me here to GYE where i started my recovery, just got into a depression mode this afternoon

i know i am a lazy-boy

1 in 5 people suffer from depression (I think... or was it 1 in 206? I forget)...

Medication can be very helpful. I would see a psychiatrist if this is persistent.

See also Chizuk e-mail #428 on this page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList9.asp

Listen to this audio clip.

jewinpain wrote on 01 Nov 2010 21:33:
Funny. "atah yodati ki lazy-boy atoh"...

But seriously, I was mekabel from a program mentor of mine that laziness is really just avoidance. I use that and ask myself: "what am I actually avoiding her?", and go on on from there...be"H.

Hatzlocha.

I aint no docta but from you posts it dont seem like you you being depressed.