A joke for all the addicts out there:

A man is caught peering into his neighbor's window.

"What are do you think you're doing!? This kind of behavior demands an explanation!!!"

"Vus tut ich?" he asks with a puzzled look on his face. "Ich been neyheneh m'ziv hashchayna!!"

Chaim Yankel, who traces his ancestry to the great men of Chelm, walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. Chaim Yankel is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took ALL DAY LONG!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Chaim Yankel says, "What's that noise?"

The story is told of the atheist who accosted a rabbi.

"Do you believe in life after death?"

The rabbi has no time to reply.

"Well it’s a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the rabbi tirelessly.

"Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! Its all pie in the sky when you die. When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing." He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replies the rabbi.

Hank, the strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of Sol, an older Jewish worker. After several minutes, Sol had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," Hank replied. "Let's see what you got."

Sol reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Hank, he said, "All right. Get in."

I  believe I know what I can do during a time when music is ossur.



Thank you. More please!

Kick back, crack open a bottle of Bud and relax - Shabbos is coming people!!!!

During the property slump of the early 1990s, there was a famous British Property Federation dinner at which the chairman introduced the guest speaker, Andrew Buxton of Barclays Bank, by inviting members to give a warm welcome to "a man to whom we owe more, er, than we can ever repay".

The following is excerpted from a conversation on the I AM ABOUT TO FALL! thread:






Chazak Amenu wrote on 15 Apr 2010 23:07:

DovInIsrael wrote on 15 Apr 2010 23:10:

Chazak Amenu wrote on 15 Apr 2010 23:14:
DovInIsrael wrote on 15 Apr 2010 23:16:

An A&W "double rainbow all the way, man" moment - otherwise known as an A&W gone wrong! DC'd totally love this!

http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/paul-vasquez-the-guy-behind-the-double-rainbow-video-isnt-dull/19567314

No psychoactive toads were harmed during the making of this video! This video does not promote toad licking, and it is not suitable for children! Viewer discretion is advised! We hereby declare our understanding that recreational drugs are dangerous and illegal, and this video serves for educational purposes only! In addition, the views expressed within this video are of the actor's alone and do not necessarily reflect on the views of - me!

If as a result of your recovery strange feelings begin to overcome you and you start having weird experiences and Sinai moments such as these, or if you are hit with the sudden realization that you are the messiah destined to save your people and redeem them from their exile, we strongly advise that you seek professional help immediately! You're not the messiah, I am!

JEWISH KARMA

Beyond Valium,
Peace is knowing one's child
Is an internist.

On Passover we
Opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
To the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
On her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
Reminds me to wait an hour
After my sandwich.

Like a bonsai tree,
Is your terrible posture
At my dinner table.

Jews on safari --
Map, compass, elephant gun,
Hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
The top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The shivah visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll
In your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
The NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Sorry I'm not home
To take your call. At the tone
Please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
So much to ask from a child
After all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
At Yom Kippur services,
"Yanks 5, Red Sox 3."

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
Male-pattern baldness.

Jewish Buddhism
For the Jewbu's among us:

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
With the first sip, joy;
With the second sip, satisfaction;
With the third sip, peace;
With the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without Problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a Single Oy.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
You never called,
You never wrote,
You never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
Least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
Symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

Jewish Joke of the Year




Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

That's too unrealistic to even qualify as a joke!

Caught up in a Storm

A new recruit in the Israeli navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Good for Business
Solly Finklestein was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
Finklestein was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read MAIN ENTRANCE.




Stop! Thief!
Sadly, even in Israel, they have shoplifters, and one day Dudu Rifkin was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from Moishe’s exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said Dudu, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
Moishe the store owner agreed and wrote up the sales slip. But then Dudu looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"



Teach him a Lesson
Mrs. Sandelson, an eighth grade history teacher at King David Academy could not help but notice that Moishie Silverstein was always late for class. Before class ended she went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, she made sure to pick on Moishie.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" Mrs. Sandelson asked.
"I don't know," Moishe said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Silverstein, you would know," said Mrs. Sandelson.
"That's not true," Moishie replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"




What a Coincidence
David and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, David looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
David says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
David responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
David says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
David gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
David exclaims, "Amazing! This is bashert. God wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins have had a few too many L’chaims again."



Bribing the Teacher
Sol Saperstein was a new teacher at the Lincoln Heights high school. Sol was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. Sol noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.