Rage ATM wrote on 29 Apr 2010 19:33:



:o :o :o :o :o

Does one laugh or cry?!
Gosh, Im speechless - and no, that doesnt happen so often!

bardichev wrote on 29 Apr 2010 20:29:

I am just sorry, chevra. Everything else I read today may have made me chuckle. But this made me laugh out loud. What is this man's secret power over my laughing part-of-the-brain? Is there such a brain thing? Do I really have a brain? Huh?

Anyhoo, thanks again my friend, I really needed that tonight. Been going through some uncomfortable emotional challenges lately, same as before when we talked about two months ago...

Be well, all!

"If you're a telekinetic,please raise my arm. " :D

Gut Kashe?!?!

A man wants to build a house, so he goes to the rabbi and asks him how. The rabbi says "Im glad you asked me that. There is actually a whole gemorah about it!" So they go through the gemorah, the man makes notes, and he then builds a house exactly as the gemorah has specified. The house stands for a day, and then collapses. The man goes running back to the Rabbi and asks him what happened. The rabbi says "Ah, Tosefos asks that question!"

Teitch:

Two Yeshiva bochurim come to a locked private tennis court. After looking over the situation, they climb over the fence and start playing. The owner of the the tennis court notices them there and runs out. The owner screams at them can't you guys read, the sign says "Closed no playing allowed." The Yeshiva bochurim immediately start laughing; one turns to the other and while pointing to the owner says,"What an Am Ha'aretz - he can't even teitch up a simple sign. It should be read, 'Closed? No! Playing allowed!' "

The ultimate hefsek?!?!!?

A frum Jew is captured by a vicious anti-Semite, who tells him to prepare to die. The Jew scrunches up his eyes, shokkels, and says this brocha: "Baruch ata... asher kideshanu bemitzvotav, vetzivanu al Kiddus Hashem" (Blessed are You, G-d.... Who has commanded us regarding the commandment of Sanctifying G-d's name), as he's about to die 'Al Kiddush Hashem'... Suddenly, there's a huge commotion outside; the anti-semite's general is outside in a huge procession... The anti-semite runs out to see him. For a second the Jew ponders what to do, then runs after him, pointing to his neck, saying 'mmmm! mmmmm!'........

Pesach Joke
A Jewish man is honoured with a knighthood from the Queen. Weeks before the big event he's fluently learnt the latin phrase that everyone needs to say. And so the big day arrives...and it comes to his turn...he kneels down by the Queen and attempts to say the latin phrase he memorised so well. But his mind goes blank! And so he blurted out the only foreign phrase he could think of at the time: "Ma Nishtana Halayla HaZe Mikol Haleyloyt" Upon hearing this strange sentance the queen turns round and asks: "Why is this KNIGHT different from all other KNIGHTS" -well at least it's topical

- Q:How do you know that G'd exists?
A:The Rambam says so and the Rayved doesn't argue!

edit: The above is said  bederech ha'a'lotzoh about the 13 Ikorim which the Rambam writes. It is so true. In truth, there really are chilukei dai'os about everyhing else in halochoh or almost everything else, except those 13 things.

***************************************************************************

A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva ,thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse an angry crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said seriously , "I would take up a collection."

*************************************************************************

As an El-Al plane landed on Chanukkah at Ben Gurion airport in Israel, the voice of the Captain came on:

"To those who are still seated, we wish you a Merry X-mas, and hope that you enjoy your stay ... and to those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back home"

***********************************************************************

A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.

The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way:

"Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot (לוט), sins like Haman (המן), and curses like Balaam (בלעם)."

"The divorce is granted," said the judge, "and as for this man's dangerous associates, if they're ever brought into this cortroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly."


The Chazir Fresser

One day Yankel succombed to eating a small piece bacon.

He felt so remorseful that he had nightmares and couldn't sleep at all for a whole week. In the end Yankel became quite depressed about it. So he decided to go and see the rabbi. "Hmm..., a small piece of bacon" said the rabbi, "you must start regularly attending shul, and after each prayer during the day you must say three chapters of tehillim." Yankel agreed. As soon as he could he went to shul and joined in the Mincha prayers. Then he sat down on a bench, picked up a sefer and started to read his three chapters of tehillim. Yankel couldn't help noticing a chassid sitting next to him, with the full garb - black hat, payot, long beard, dressed in a black frock coat.

The chassid was also reading from the sefer tehillim, but not three chapters --- it looked like 20 or even more the way he was whizzing through them... No! It was forty chapters!

Yankel was shocked.

He thought to himself, "Such a pious Jew, with his black hat, payot and beard - and he would eat so much Treif!"


************************************************************************************ 
 
 

Bull

    Back in 1889, Sid and Leah's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Sid couldn't leave the farm because he was busy starting a farming equipment business, so Leah took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Sid would borrow their neighbor's wagon to go to town and pick up their newly purchased bull.
    The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Leah found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents; but she was finally the successful bidder.  Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleadedLeah. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband atelegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
    At the Telegraph office, Leah asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to mine husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Leah pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's mine message:
"COMFORTABLE".
Back to top
THE 10 SUGGESTIONS
. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments.  (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other G-ds besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d. The name "Adonai thy G-d" is the sole property of Adonai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Adonai thy G-d without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.  (a tv show)
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.


Differences

What are the main differences between orthodox, conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.

Bloomingdales

A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her Rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the Rabbi exclaimed.  "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Hospital

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.

The Rabbi, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the Rabbi handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the Rabbi's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the Rabbi left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the Rabbi handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

A closed mouth gathers no foot

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jewish guy requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????" asks the executioner...."But they are out of season!"
"So," he responds, "I'll wait . . . ."

Heart Attack

    A middle-aged, wealthy Jewish woman has a heart attack.  While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees G-d, and asks if this is it.
    G-d says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.  She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc.  She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
    As she walks out of the hospital after the last operation she is immediately struck and killed by an ambulance.
    When she arrives at heaven's gate, she sees G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
    "To tell you the truth," G-d replied..."I didn't recognize you."

Light Bulb

  Q. How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light Bulb?
  A. What is a light bulb?

  Q. How many orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Change?

  Q. How many conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Call a committee meeting.

  Q. How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. None, anyone can change it whenever they want.

  Q. How many Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. One if its an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity using nuclear power

      Two as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb

      Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called  "The Jew in the Light bulb ."

      Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

  Q. How many Shlomo Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Gevaldt, its mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

  Q. How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. 30. One to change the bulb and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

  Q. How many Lubavitchers does it to change a light bulb?
  A. None, it never died.

  Q. How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

  Q. How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. CHANGE! You vant to we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Choosing a Rabbi

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
He condemns sins but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.
He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.

Very Funny. Really.
I mean it.

Found on a site that deals with clinical depression:


Humour therapy (sometimes called therapeutic humour) uses the power of smiles and laughter to aid healing. Humour therapy helps you find ways to make yourself (or others) smile and laugh more. Because it is inexpensive, risk-free, and readily available, there is little reason not to try practicing humor therapy.

Laughing is found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, increase muscle flexion, and boost immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being.

Fighting depression, coping with depression is a hard work. Depression is not a joke, not at all. But you might relax. Take it now easy or at least easier...

I'm convinced that humour can help you to overcome depression. Depression is the downward movement of our soul. It is like gravity. Humor is lightweight, humour is antigravity. Lift up your soul with antigravitational force of humour.

listen to what i say
in your life expect some trouble
when you worry you make it double
don't worry be happy
be happy now
Bob Marley - Don't Worry, Be Happy


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A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying it's a madhouse.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Why do you prefer Alzheimer disease to Parkinson disease?
Because it's better to forget to pay the beer than to spill it.

How can you distinguish the staff from the patients in the asylum?
The staff has the door key.

At a party:
'Are you a psychologist?'
'Why do you ask it?'
'Oh yes, you are a psychologist.'

I'm absolutely healthy... The voices in my head agreed as well.

Client: "Everybody ignores me. "
Doctor: "Next, please."

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. They've got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I'm not satisfied with the result of the therapy... I used to be Napoleon, but today I'm simply John Smith.

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears: "But doctor . . . I am Terrifini.


Take a huge step to the life without depression -- laugh! Join us and seek funny things and share your depression jokes. Help to make laugh the others. Laughter is infectious

Thanks! I especially liked the outsourced suicide line in Pakistan! (Oh, not that it matters, but the "don't worry be happy" song is actually some other guy [whose name I can't remember right now! Ahhhh!!!] imitating a jamaican acent)...tek eet eesee mahn.

These are supposed to be real real error messages which showed up on Windows Operating Systems at one time or another.

content.techrepublic.com.com/2346-10877_11-333302.html?promo=019&tag=nl.e019&cval=EditorsPick&ctype=default

dov wrote on 21 May 2010 16:43:


Bobby McFerrin. Although you're both right. He was 'covering' a song from genuine rastamen Bob Marley and the Kvetchers.

And don't worry about the memory loss. It happens as we age. I read it in a study once. Somewhere. Where was that study...?

Was at a shabbos meal recently, and the host was serving soup, and asked each person if they wanted matza balls.

And each time she asked, the only thing I could think of was "I didn't even know that matza had balls!"

So i sat there, giggling like an idiot, unable to explain why...

Yep, I've actually asked a host, "what do you do with the REST of the matzos." But it's a risky proposition. Especially since we typically call them matzo _ballz_ in this part of the world, making the double meaning even more... explicit.

[Kugelach could be a kid's game, but ballz are, well, clearly for grownups.]

But if I say it quietly to the men only, and couch it with a conditional kind of, "I'm tempted to ask you, what do you do with the rest of the matzo after you add these to the soup. But I won't." -- well, sometimes the host will indeed laugh.

But I wouldn't suggest saying it to a future father-in-law unless he already knows your sense of humor....  Thanks for the chuckle. Very truly yours, A Depressed Person

Since when can moderators modify posts without leaving footprints?

( :o : ....and :-*)

I feel like something funny is gonna happen... I'm sitting next to a black-man, a white-man, and a chinese-man. I'm just waiting on the punchline.

Nevermore wrote on 13 Jun 2010 03:26:


So the Chinese man turns to the others and says
"Do you 2 also see that black crow sitting next to us?"
and the black man whispers to the white guy;
"Better ignore him -he's rav'en mad!

It's Michael Jackson's yortziet today. In his memory, let us each treat a child nicely!