booooooooooooring.  this place is making me depressed.

Ok, since SE is complaining, I'll bring some of the jokes over from the other side of the Mechizta: That's what complainers get - jokes that you will regret reading! (Don't say I didn't warn you):

15 pieces of advice for women regarding men:
 
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door behind him.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander. Its too small to be out on it's own.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyways.
6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
7. The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are do-it-yourself types.
9. The best way to get a man to do something is to say he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what kind of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remeber, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at him.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women 

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up. 
2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake. 
3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go. 
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3) 
7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!) 
8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

Posted by 7Up:

GONNA BE A BEAR

In this life Im a woman. In my next life, Id like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for 6 months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you get to birth your babies (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and  wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If youre a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup; gonna be a bear!

If Men Got Pregnant:

Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world.

The problem is that now, I'm going to want to quote all of those on my dates! :D :D

Some funny headlines:

1.  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2.  Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use

4.  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

6.  Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
7.  Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years 
8.  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.  Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
10.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
11.  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13.  Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy 
14.  Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15.  Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16.  Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
17.  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
18.  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19.  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
20.  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Yiddle2 wrote on 14 Feb 2010 16:32:


I gotta get me some of that gorrila tape. Do they carry it in 'The Home Depot'?

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ
_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

thnx guard.

Like Cats And Dogs
What is a Cat?

  1. Cats do what they want.
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  4. They whine when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  8. They're moody.
  9. They leave hair everywhere.
  10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

      Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

  1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
  3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  4. They growl when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play, they want to play.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They are great at begging.
  8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
  9. They leave their toys everywhere.
  10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

      Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.

identity theft, it can happen to anyone!!

even you.....  who wants to volenteer

ok any other ideas to celebrate our newfound excuse for pranks.......ADAR


for whomever didn't get it... i forged someone elses name (sorta like Rolex Bolex), switched my pic, gender, and reposted some old posts.....he he he.

I wonder what they would say...if only they could say anything over here.

HEY  CAN WE  HAVE A GYE PURIM RAV, PLAYING AS GUARD, AND GOING THE WHOLE 9 YARDS!!!! ?
I think bard should do it!


and does wnyone here makle phone calls when you get drunk? How about typing ...do you thin you can do that? mybe just peck with one finger, or try using word recognition (if you set-it to redneck mode, it will understand your slured drawl)

Woot.com is always an amusing place to check out - their blurb today isn't all that funny (in my opinion, at least), but their video of field-testing their flashlight made me laugh - maybe it'll do the same for you?

Just go to "woot.com," and scroll down to about halfway down the page - you'll see the video, just click to play!

take it easy shmear.