Yiddle2 wrote on 15 Jan 2010 01:49:
I figure I'll hang out here cause as I said in my thread, it is depresing that nobody is POSTING!!
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE) Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
CSE: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: Yes, I think so.
CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.
CSE: Dark?
Customer: There's a power outage.
CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
Flight Software At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Owner's Manual READ THIS FIRST
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
IT IS TIME TO GET OUT OF CONSULTING WHEN... You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization".
You refer to dating as test marketing.
You can spell "paradigm".
You actually know what a paradigm is.
You understand your airline's fare structure.
You write executive summaries on your love letters.
You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."
You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged' as opposed to "in debt".
You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
You enjoy using an HP-12C.
You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost".
You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal.
None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
You give constructive feedback to your dog.
SUPPLEMENTARY GENERAL CONDITIONS Article 1
The work we want performed is clearly indicated on the attached plans and specifications. The Architect, who has had plenty of college, has spent a lot of time drawing up these plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything. Once your bid is submitted to the Owner-that's it brother! From then on, anything wanted by the Architect, the Owner, or any of his friends, or anybody else except the Contractor shall be considered as shown, specified, intended, or implied, and shall be provided by the Contractor without any expense to anyone except the Contractor.
Article 2
If the work is done without extra expense to the Contractor, then the work will be taken down and done over again until the extra expense to the Contractor is satisfactory to the Architect.
Article 3
The contract drawings are intended to be correct. If drawn wrong it should be discovered by the Contractor, corrected, and done right at his own expense. It won't cut any ice with the Owner or the Architect if the Contractor points out the mistakes which the Architect has drawn on the plans.
Article 4
The Contractor is not supposed to make fun of the Architect, his plans, or specifications. If he does, then the same consequence shall apply as stated in Article 3 above.
Article 5
Any Contractor walking around the job site with a smile on his face will be subject to a review of his bid.
Article 6
If the Contractor doesn't find all the Architect's mistakes prior to making his bid on this job, or if he doesn't have enough sense to know that the Architect is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that has to be done before the job can be deemed complete, then the Contractor shall provide any such items without extra expense to the Owner or Architect.
Article 7
Any evidence of satisfaction on the part of the Contractor shall be considered as just cause for withholding final payment.
BIG RIG DRIVER I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know... I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried.
I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.
He went through his basic questioning...OK...no problem. He looks pretty smart until he asks, "So...is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, and then back to him, and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge."
SOMEONE IMPORTANT A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago, to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more. They had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.
"Well, who was it", they asked.
"The 1962 National Hide-and-Seek Champion", the police said.
Kids Jokes Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you
can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT ENTHUSIASM
DISILLUSIONMENT
PANIC
SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
PRAISE & HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
