what is this doing in this thread,rage?

It's hilarious, Rage. But you had to be there. Sorry, Uri.

gevaldigggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

This is just too  funny - scary how true it is!!
 
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter .either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Why we love children ...

2) OPINIONS    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

4)  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1   While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'



6) POLICE # 2    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'



7) ELDERLY     While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP   A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL   A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'



NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until
> one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange > a
> divorce for him.
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
> circumstances, and asked the following questions:
> Have you any grounds? Yes, acre and half with nice home.
> No, I mean what is the foundation? It made of concrete.
> I don't think you understand.
> Do either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport.
> I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations in Poland.
> Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
> > Is your wife a nagger?
> No, she white.
> Why do you want this divorce?
> She going to kill me.
> What makes you think that?
> I got proof.
> What kind of proof?
> She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
> bathroom. I can read. It say: "Polish Remover." __._,_.___

Subject: DUMBEST  KID  IN  THE  WORLD?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' 
 
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, Then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'  The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'      The boy licked his cone and replied,

'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!' 

I hate to use the bayonet, but as the GYE "Guard", I had to remove some youtube links on this thread. Youtube is too dangerous for us addicts, even for Kosher things. SOOOORY.

Love you!

Thanks, I would have removed them for being awful.

I heard it differently. About NY. ....oh, never mind.

This is in response to Rage's attack on mom....


A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

A second grade teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Timmy, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Timmy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said, "and how about you, Annie?"

Annie shyly stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Annie. What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher, stunned, promptly changed the subject to spelling. Later that day she called Billy's house. Billy's father answered the phone. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked why he would say such a horrible thing.

Billy's father explained, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"