We need your hebrew name Guard.
The stress has finally got to you
:'( :'(

REAL HEADLINES

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one was found in the SGV Tribune the other day and when the reader called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

7up, you're just jealous because MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE 


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a                  towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

O fcourse they are! They dont have to live with men!

this is my favorite spot on the whole gye!
i can't breath- oh! LOL!

Gosh, R. Guard, LOL would be quite an understatement!!

:D :D :D ;D ;D ;D

Reb Guard,

Did you swallow the 101 joke book?

Introducing Demotivators®

MOTIVATION. Psychology tells us that motivation- true, lasting motivation- can only come from within. Common sense tells us it can't be manufactured or productized. So how is it that a multi-billion dollar industry thrives through the sale of motivational commodities and services? Because, in our world of instant gratification, people desperately want to believe that there are simple solutions to complex problems. And when desperation has disposable income, market opportunities abound.

AT DESPAIR, INC., we believe motivational products create unrealistic expectations, raising hopes only to dash them. That's why we created our soul-crushingly depressing Demotivators® designs, so you can skip the delusions that motivational products induce and head straight for the disappointments that follow!


E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder and COO


ACCOMPLISHMENTS
You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.


ACHIEVEMENT
You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.


ADVERSITY
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.


AGONY
Not all pain is gain.


AMBITION
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly


APATHY
If we don't take care of the customer,maybe they'll stop bugging us.


ARROGANCE
The best leaders inspire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.


BAILOUTS
From each according to his ability,
to each according to his lack thereof.


BEAUTY
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.


BITTERNESS
Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.


BLAME
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.


BLOGGING
Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.



BURNOUT
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.


CHALLENGES
I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.


CHANGE
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.


CLUELESSNESS
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.


COMPROMISE
Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.


CONFORMITY
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.


CONSISTENCY
It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.


CONSULTING
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

These are great Guard! Where'd ya get em?!

They just came to me one day, (after drinking some 7Up).

Come on guys!!
More jokes!
More links!
More funny pictures/quotes!
Our people need to laugh and smile     :D

Breaking News: Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

Notice: GYE Requires No Physical Fitness Program

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Everyone gets enough excercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the Guard, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck!

Sign in NYC subway system:

Warning: touching third rail results in instant death - $250 fine.

Sign outside starbucks:

Today only! one drink for the price of two.