Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems. I don't have time for yours AND mine.
Sincerely, a student who has enough issues that he/she couldn't care less what "x" is

Dear Americans,
We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear people who complain about our generation,
Remember who raised us.
Sincerely, your kids

Dear 2011,
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals...
Sincerely, 1950

Dear Board of Education,
So are we.
Sincerely, students everywhere
PS Learn how to spell

Dear SuperGlue and NonStick Pan,
One of you is lying...
Sincerely, here goes nothing.

Dear person reading this,
You're here because you're actively procrastinating or avoiding real work, aren't you? It's OK...me too.
Sincerely, I'll work tomorrow

Dear you,
After reading this you will realize the the brain does not process the second "the."
Sincerely, cool, eh?

Dear People who say money is made of paper which is made of wood which is made of trees so money grows on trees,
Money is actually made of cotton.
Sincerely, you fail at life.

Dear you,
After reading this you will realize the brain does not process the second "the."
Sincerely, made you look!

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So, where’s mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
Services will be held at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

__________

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

________



I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to stop and have a small nap. He had just fallen asleep when there was a knock on his window. 'Do you have the time please' asked a passer by. 'Its 8.10' he said. He dozed again but was woken up with another rap on the window. 'Excuse me what time is it' asked a cyclist. '8.15' he replied. To avoid being disturbed again, he put a notice in the window saying I DONT KNOW WHAT THE TIME IS and settled back down to rest. Just as he was drifting off, there was yet another knocking on his car. Scowling he opened his eyes. 'What do you want?' he shouted at the elderly lady standing there. 'I just want to tell you that it is 8.35' she said!

_________________

With today's rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to our readers' attention some new engineering conversions:

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

10 cards: 1 decacards

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird
_________________

Daffynitions

Every year the Washington Post conducts a contest in which readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some of this year’s winners:

{intaxication}: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

{reintarnation}: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

{bozone (n.)): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

{giraffiti}: vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

{sarchasm}: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

{hipatitis}: terminal coolness.

{karmageddon}: it’s like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes.

{glibido}: all talk and no action.

{dopeler effect}: meteorologists take note - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you from a computer.

{beelzebug} (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 a.m. and cannot be cast out, even by an exorcit.

{caterpallor} (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the apple you’re eating.

Spotted in the toilet of a London office: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”

In a Laundromat: “Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

In a London department store: “Bargain Basement upstairs.”

In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken.”

In an office: “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

Outside a secondhand shop: “We exchange everything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Notice in health food shop window: “Closed due to illness.”

Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants stay in your car.”

Seen during a conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care center on the 1st floor.”

Notice in a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Message on a leaflet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. Please knock on the door — the bell doesn’t work.”

ZemirosShabbos wrote:

Where is this laundromat?!?!

sorry, couldnt resist

Lizhensk wrote:


I think I know where it is. I once heard from R' Amnon Yitzchak that when a dirty person arrives oif yener velt (i.e. when the light goes out) one's clothes are removed and he is put into some sort of a washing machine. They add detergent, ammonia, bleach and hot water and put him through the spin cycle until he's cleansed.

(That may not sound so funny, but when he describes it, it's hilarious. As R' Yaakov Galinsky z"l used to say: Ah bittereh gelechter.)

MT

[quote="ZemirosShabbos" post=229566]
Outside a secondhand shop: “We exchange everything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”
[quote]

Reminds me of that store in Villahmzburg that offers "Free Gift Raping"

(i tink dey meent wrapping, i shore hope sew)

... deleted by (un)popular demand ...

Machshovo Tova wrote:

On second thought, let's stop while we're ahead. As the Mesilas Yeshorim points out (sorry Dov - works for me - sometimes), some people speak nivul peh and say it's only a joke, but it's nivul peh nevertheless.

MT

Excuse me MT, chaver, but Mesilas Yeshorim helps me too, as do the other things you know I learn be"H (which you have asked me not to post about, as you recall). If it seems like a stirah, then I would just say it isn't.

But on a sweeter note, my strukkes are itching me.

Hope that wasn't to treibbering for you.

(Ouch!)

A gid hanasheh joke oichet! Aye! Mesechta Pesochim strikes again!

You're OK Dov. But gid hanasheh can be just as triggering. Check out the Ibn Ezra (Genesis 32:33)- he says that some 'chaseirei daas' translate it to mean the 'organ' (not the musical one), and they translate hanasheh to be from the shoresh of nashim.

I guess there were weirdos in all generations.

Hatzlacha

MT

i think some people should be careful that this doesnt get moved to the beis medrash forum

UNOFFICIAL STATEMENT BY GUARD: "GYE HAS BECOME TOO DEPRESSING ESPECIALLY SINCE IT IS THE THREE WEEKS." SO GUARD HAS UNOFFICIALLY ADVISED THAT THIS THREAD "MUST BE REBOOTED ASAP"....OPERATION GYE HAPPY!

YU Rowing Team

Yeshiva University decided to put together a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided he couldn`t stand any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel (Pidaini?) to spy on other rowing teams. He went to the top rowing teams: Harvard, Princeton, Oxford and MIT to see what YU was doing wrong.

Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

The anonymity here reminded me of this one:
One shabbos,the rabbi was feeling rebellious. He decided to call in sick to shul so he could go play a round of golf instead.
On his first shot, he hit a hole in one.
The malachim were incredulous. "Aibeshter!" they cried. "How can you reward his evil ways like that?"
He simply replied: "Reward? Who's he gonna tell?"

Hi, Just checking in on this thread.

I think i do qualify being here. I am depressed, and i am a person.

Oh, and i am addicted to lust...




Over to you guys now, for the warm welcome (hugs?), exchange telephone numbers, and generally tell me that its ok to be depressed. And a person.